Edit/Comment on my essay

Applying to College
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<p>Every moment adds to the equation that equals me, and I don’t regret a single action I’ve taken. Although, after years of self-discipline, I have yet to become the product of that equation. There is a gap between reality and dreams, and though I have seen the other side, and fallen into the river of consciousness below, I must be tall enough to cross that gap. I will lay down, and others will cross it with my aid. </p>

<pre><code> In 1997, I was diagnosed with Tourette Syndrome. Self-control was a mystery to me; I was a slave of simple miscalculations within my brain. I was put on a high dose of medication that involved some ill effects. I began sleeping 20 hours some days, and not at all some other days. When I got fed up with this form of self-mutilation I stopped taking the drugs, and began to look for a safer, more natural way to gain control of myself, no matter what someone with Ph. D. would say. This is when I began reading the works of the 14th Dalai Lama.

  Though my childhood may seem complicated, in public I led quite a typical life.  Friends, girlfriends, and video games.  The usual.  Now able to function in society, I felt I had to keep all of my problems secret.  Free of artificial “help”, it was up to me to learn about myself.  But there was another layer to me, and I was afraid of what it was.  It’s my meaning; my purpose, and I could not even fathom the idea of that.  I embarked on a journey to come to terms with it.

  In 2001, I was experiencing nightly narcoleptic attacks, namely hypnagonic paralysis.  With this came hallucinations and paranoia, and even more loss of mental control.  Long story short, I wound up in contact with a Buddhist monk who told me to face my fears and induce the paralysis.  With the process he taught me, I learned how to control my hallucinations and enter a lucid dreaming state.  I did this to come to terms with my purpose, but that would never happen in my own little box.  I could read myself like a book now, but what would the pages say?  It said I am a creator, and that what I want to do, have always wanted to do, and will always want to do, is bring my imagination into reality.

  I realized how my life had trickled down this path, not guided by any supernatural force, but merely my longing to dream.  Everytime I picked up my guitar or keyboard, everytime I wrote a short story or a poem about trees or Shinto kami or ancient pagan gods, everytime I read the words of Siddhartha Gautama or the Dalai Lama, and everytime I fought back a tic or escaped from a paralysis attack; it all led up to this.  Me.  Now.  Without every single event, I would not be able to do this, and I’m thankful that I have been tested and tried constantly, and yet have overcome hardships and gained control of myself and my future.  Total control.

  Now a man, I am able to create as I please.  I will create a new aesthetic universe that others can enjoy, and turn my tamed delerium into an auditory and visual experience.  I will make music, I will make films, and I will make whatever future standard of creation surfaces in the future, with the wisdom, education, experience, and opportunities available with the University of California.

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<p>Edits and comments are appreciated, thanks!</p>

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<p>I like it bro...
I got tourette's too, I did not mention it anywhere in my applications, though.</p>

<p>I was wondering if you got extra time on the SAT's for this. The thought of applying for extra time did not even cross my mind until it was too late. It would seem like I had a valid argument because the tics and everything usually distract me from the test at times...</p>

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<p>The first two sentences are a bit unclear. You say that your moments equal you, but, somehow, you aren't the product. I also don't fully understand your metaphor in the third and fourth sentences. Does reality equal the river of consciousness? If so, then dreams would be above, and reality would be below, which would make sense, but then you follow that you have to cross this gap, which wouldn't fit. You also mention that you must be tall enough—is that another metaphor for some type of strength? While in a literal sense, being taller might be useful if you had longer legs to cross a hypothetical gap, I think you might benefit from a more personal quality. You can choose the word, but maybe something along the lines of "sane enough" or "determined enough." What do you mean by "you will lay down"? Also, it should be "I will lie down," as "lay" is past tense of "to lie," as in "to recline."</p>

<p>In the next paragraph, I think that the use of the word "mutilate" is excessive. It comes from the Latin "mutilare," meaning "to maim." American Heritage defines "to mutilate," when referring to a person, as to "inflict a violent and disfiguring injury on." Later on, I think the use of the word "would" is innapropriate. I think that "might" is a better verb form. Also, with "Ph.D." the space is traditionally removed between the "Ph." and the "D."</p>

<p>"Complicated" doesn't seem to describe your childhood. Complicated and typical aren't antonyms. A better word might work better. The tense of "I felt I had to..." would be better switched to "I feel I have to." That is, if you want to keep the "now." Otherwise, you can switch it to "then" or remove it altogether, and you could keep your tense.</p>

<p>Your use of "was experiencing" indicates a continuous aspect that I don't think you're trying to achieve. The simple past, "experienced" would work better, I think. I would cut out the "long story short," it's cliched.</p>

<p>In the first sentence of the next paragraph, you should maintain parallel construction. You start it off with "not guided by any..." and then continue it with "but merely my." Changing it to "but merely by my" would keep it parallel. Next, perhaps you would be more familiar than I, but isn't "to escape an attack" more idiomatic than "to escape from an attack"?</p>

<p>All of this said, great build-up, terrible ending. Axe it. Honestly, when I read the last sentence, I was thrown. At the very least, leave out the last sentence. But, even then, don't be afraid to use your second to last paragraph as your conclusion. You don't need a formal ending; the latter would be a powerful one. Do you want their last image to be you, or their university?</p>

<p>Good luck.</p>

<p>BTW, if you had any free time yourself, I'd love to get a good writer to look over my own essay, if you had any free time, depending on what time zone you're in. I'm planning on snail-mailing my apps tomorrow morning.</p>

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<p>Thanks for your input Syn.</p>

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<p>anyone else?</p>