Empty Nest-what are your plans?

Parents Forum
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<p>I don't think it's pathetic at all, Life (of course, I feel the same way you do, so maybe my opinion doesn't count for much!) I know all about the flashbacks as well. My H is sad, too, but he's much more pragmatic than I - she'll be fine, this is what childraising is all about, she'll be back home to visit, etc. I guess what really gets me is the "visiting" part - not only has she left for school, but she'll never really "live" here any more. For her, a whole new part of her life is beginning while I feel like a big part of mine is ending.</p>

<p>If I sound way too maudlin, well, it's just going to be one of those days, one big pity-party. I just really wish she was upstairs right now instead of 300 miles away!</p>

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<p>scout59- it's been almost 2 weeks for me since taking D (3rd and last child) to school. I think I felt pretty much like you do. I held it together pretty well helping her move in, but cried about 4 of the 8 hrs. on the way home and was snippy and somewhat nasty to my DH. It's better now, but there is still a big empty spot. We took a trip out of state this past weekend to a fun wedding and are planning a New England drive around for next month. I decided I need to find a teacher and go back to piano lessons, get the photos organized (really will do it this time!), get back into a gym routine and catch up on the stack of books next to my nightstand. It's OK to give in to the pity party for a couple of days, then keeping busy with something that's just for yourself really helps. As does knowing that she has found the right place, is making friends and getting involved in the activities of her department and dorm.</p>

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<p>Life and Scout, I often agree with you.</p>

<p>However, more and more I have come to realize that the kids I miss are the younger versions of themselves. I miss the babies, the 4-year-olds, the elementary school children, and occasionally even the adolescents. </p>

<p>But when the young adults whomthey are now come home for a visit, I realize that they don't really belong here anymore. They should be on their own. I enjoy it when they're here, but their presence also provides a dose of reality.</p>

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<p>Marian, I agree with much of what you've written, and I do know it's time for my D to finish that growth into young adulthood. However, right now I DO miss the young woman that she is right now: the one who watches "Project Runway" with me, who introduces me to new music, who laughs and talks with me at dinner every night. She and I went through some rough mother-daughter stuff back in early high school, but this past summer was golden. I suppose that golden time makes this absence even harder to bear.</p>

<p>I know you're right about not belonging here any more - after all, I don't really "belong" at my parents' home any longer, either. Right now, though, that doesn't make me feel much better! (Maybe tomorrow!)</p>

<p>Musmom- I actually didn't cry until I got home (a four-hour drive.) I was pretty proud of myself for that one... one step at a time, I guess.</p>

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<p>I'm sorry you're having such a hard time. I think I could have written basically the same post, except that my son is 18, not 17. And that I'm already feeling as if I no longer have any real purpose in life, even though my son doesn't leave for Chicago for two weeks. (I've never seen being a lawyer as anything more than a job I have to go to, unfortunately. I don't think there's been a day in the 29 years I've been practicing that I couldn't honestly have said that there was something else I'd rather be doing.)</p>

<p>Dating? I can't imagine. I haven't been on a date since my marriage broke up 8 years ago. (In fact, I haven't been on one since 1986, the year before I got married.) I'm 53 years old now. Oy.</p>

<p>Donna</p>

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<p>We don’t have an empty nest yet, but feel like it.
My Ds friends used to hang around in our house a lot. It is just so empty without all that action. My D is gone less than 8 days, and we have a 12 year older at home.</p>

<p>My son is not as active as his sister; he is always in his room with a book on his face.
Even when he comes out, he talks about science fiction which I don’t understand (or don’t want to understand). Specially now, I don’t want to hear about flying creatures or aliens. Sometimes, I feel guilty not spending time with him.<br>
I think I need to have a good cry and be done with it.</p>

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<p>My son is 18 and still home, but it IS different than having my D here. He is a joy to be around and has never given me any trouble, but we have little in common. He hunts and fishes all day, every day (when not in class or at work, but right now he has no job) and I'm only interested in hearing about that to a certain extent. Sometimes he tells me too much, like the near misses with the wild hog, and makes me worry. Last night, he brought a dead rattlesnake home (he says it is 5 ft long) and put it in my freezer. He told me what he was doing so I wouldn't freak if I saw it, but it is also wrapped in a sack where I cannot see what it is. He promises it will be gone tomorrow...I love him and all his friends, but I really miss watching Project Runway with my D! He's just not girlie at all!!!</p>

<p>My point is, even though I am not technically an empty-nester since my S is still home, it is really lonely for me sometimes.</p>

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<p>I called my daughter and asked if she missed me, and she said "No". I am happy and sad. Happy she is doing great in college, sad she doesn't miss me. However, yesterday she text me and said she missed my cooking, it made me cry.... there are still ten more years that my 8 year old son will go to college, I will spend as much time as possible with him.</p>

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<p>It is tougher when the one(s) we are "closest" to (for whatever reason) leave. I think it will be a bit more of an adjustment for me when D leaves, since she and I have been thru more tough times than S & I. She also comes in & chats with H & me late at night. S is more of a private person & not as "chatty." He's been thru tough times but never wanted to talk about it--more private & introspective.
D says her friends are all adjusting to being away & realizing that $ doesn't stretch as far as they'd hoped. We shall see how everything works out.
I feel fortunate that H & I have each other & I have my extended family as well, so there are many for me to talk to & lots for me to do with my non-profit.</p>

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<p>We have the empty nest...but with two kids in college, we don't have enough money to make any plans. Oh well.</p>

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<p>Empty nest here for two years now, but I didn't feel like a true empty nester until this week. DS left for his junior year in college, about an hour away. But DD got on a plane this past weekend with her BF, headed 3000 miles away after arranging for a bed to be delivered to her new place, and had all her clothes and extra stuff shipped as well. She is truly moved out -- no longer is she just a student who comes back home regularly for vacations. She's taking a year off grad school to work and just be a young adult. </p>

<p>This year should be a wonderful one for her, and we're really happy for her, but it's a weird feeling knowing she will no longer call our house her home.</p>

<p>I've never minded having a lot of free time. I never seem to have enough hours in the day so I'm not worried about what to do with myself. But honestly, what I've been thinking mostly about since she left is how I can hardly wait to go visit her later on this fall. :o</p>

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<p>Ah yes, organizing the photos--so that I could FIND those pictures that I wanted to give to DS for his dorm room, and even perhaps photo album, for his first year! (Note to parents of rising seniors--if you think you want to send them to school with a photo album--seemed like a good idea to me--start it at the beginning of the summer, before those Twin XL sheets go on sale and all the other dorm stuff and all the other stuff stuff !).</p>

<p>It has been one week, and I have not even managed to send a text message successfully, sigh (how do ya learn to do that--DS showed me several times before he left, but I have not managed yet). Maybe we aren't going to be that kind of parents. I did buy a webcam but it is not set up yet--and considering that we have gotten email from our son at 2:30 AM we may never coordinate times. I have actually found that I cried more, and missed him more, before we dropped him off 7 days ago. I would hear his music, I would think last this, last that. Now, I tear up occasionally, but DH and I feel like this big project, of our one and only, is sort of.....done. </p>

<p>One of the hardest parts was in the last 30 minutes of our 4 hour drive home. We turned onto the final highway, which means we are really in the home stretch--and suddenly, I realized that it was no longer "home" in the same way, for our son. THAT made my heart ache. But he is in a safer place than our city, he is having a great time at a great institution, so I guess that has balanced our sadness.</p>

<p>Empty nest? I feel, as a concept at least, that his absence is freeing up psychological energy to (finally) do some serious decluttering of my house(that would make it empty!)--though I have spent much of the last several days sailing, or biking, or otherwise doing things that are much more fun than all those decisions that go with decluttering. Pack and move? Perish the thought--the effort it would take!</p>

<p>Yes, it's nice not to worry about his schedule, to eat whole wheat pasta (which he does not like), to be noisy when we wake up, to do far less laundry, not to buy Fruity Pebbles. But I sure check my email a lot! And, we have discovered, it seems that our son needs to learn to talk to us on the phone--how can he just have flowing conversations with friends, and seem to have little to say to us?</p>

<p>But most of all, he is just good company, and we really miss that.</p>

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<p>I do have a plan. </p>

<p>Stay alive till she gives me a grandchild.
Steal the child.
Run away.
Teach him/her to play basketball.
Take that wonderful voyage all over again.</p>

<p>Just need to get the wife on board.</p>

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<p>Ah, Curm., some folks will laugh at your post, but in a couple years, I'm right with you. </p>

<p>Disclaimer: I'd like her to graduate from high school and college before she has the grandchild.</p>

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<p>We took our daughter (our youngest) to college two weeks ago -- our oldest is starting his junior year. While I miss them, I am proud of each of them and happy that they were able to basically wave goodbye, walk away and begin to handle life on their own. I guess I always viewed that as my job as a parent -- to make sure they had the confidence, skills and (hopefully!) good judgment to start to find their own way, albeit in a protected college environment.</p>

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<p>I'm with you, Carpets, though I'm not unsympathetic. I tear up every now and then, but that's only because my life is changing. I've been telling her for the past year - "flap your wings, girl! you can do it!" You, know, I can tell in her voice, she actually believes it now. I'm happy for her and thrilled by her success.</p>

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<p>I sent just one text to my D. My second attempt failed as the darn phone won’t allow me to text what I want to text. The phone just keeps popping out random words. So that is it on texting front for me… at least till I learn how to override that feature. </p>

<p>Cronie, your post remind me of my life story.. just after the college, I moved several thousands miles away from my mom with my DH. Now I know how my mom must have felt.</p>

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<p>We're empty-nesters now, and mainly it's the spooky quiet that gets to me. But I agree with some previous posters that I miss, finally, the things we did when the kids were little; it's as if I never admitted I'd never play piggy-back, or calm them after a nightmare or hold them on my knee again until the last one was out of the house.</p>

<p>We also have the boy/girl thing going on: D calls several times a week after her classes just to chat; S has been gone 8 days and we've only wrung one short email from him, and that to ask for snacks.</p>

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<p>The youngest left this week for university- the oldest who attends grad school 45 minutes from here came for dinner, did with us the evening things the youngest usually would do, then spent the night, sleeping with the dog, who also misses D3 :) What a sweetie!</p>

40

<p>No empty nest yet but will be spending this last year preparing for it. Trying to stay busy and cram as much volunteering and pasta parties for various teams to make D2's last year as memorable as possible. Working out an hour a day to lose some weight so I don't have chubby cheeks in her sr. night pics (who am I kidding!!). Would like to find a job next year but one that would allow me to travel during the week and weekends to see D1 and D2's college games...I know another pipe dream! I have been home with my girls for almost 21 years. It will definitely be a big change for me!</p>