<p>Hi, I've been really scared to apply to an Ivy league specially with my grades and Standardized scores. I know UPenn is an Ivy league and is way beyond my reach. Although i'm not a great test taker i feel like i might have had some unique experiences in life that will make me stand out. My achievements and ECA's are kind of different then most students in my school but they are fewer than others. </p>
<p>I would want someone to read my essay and help me make it better. I do exceed the word limit that's why im still trying to cut it down further. I mentioned one of the greatest factors that have come up recently because if i start mentioning a lot from my past i might just loose the reader haha...
so heres my essay, please critique as much as you can. </p>
<pre><code>Once again thank you for flying with us. On behalf of the crew we welcome you to New York City. I exhaled deeply as I heard the word New and turned my head left then right, front then back, waiting for some signal so I could just dash out of the airplane. As the view was zooming towards the ground, my life was reaching a new transformation. Dragging my luggage in one hand while managing to hold the box of sandwiches my mom made in the other hand, I finally stepped onto the fresh soil that I was about to call home.
</code></pre>
<p>The walk from the flight exit to the immigration queue seemed never ending. Breathing deeply I read aloud every sign I passed: Foreign passport holders, Families, Aah finally, my queue: US citizens. Waiting in line I recalled the questions my father had prepared me for and then I heard the same questions from the immigration officer; one after the other, like the bullets I have dodged. He began Place of Departure? Pakistan; Travelling with family? No; Alone? Yes; Age 17; Who will you be residing with, in the US? My sister; Purpose of visit To complete my education; All clear, welcome to USA. Next! </p>
<p>The questions flashed back a memory from my past. My words had fallen in desperation, as I breathed in the alien air. I stretched like I would before starting a race. After reaching my sisters home in Queens, I fell onto my knees to pray to Allah. The word Alhamdulillah fell out of my mouth continuously. Offering my thanks was the least I could do. Closing my eyes in prayer caused reflections of the past memories all over again, from the year 2012. This was the year when approximately 1500 and counting Shias were killed. Being a Shia and living in Pakistan, there was a threat to myself. My prayers not only offered thanks to the fact that Im alive, but also to the fact that I have a chance to leave behind the familiarity and embrace change. This change will give me a new start, where provided that I have enough funds and support. </p>
<p>In the fall of 2012, my parents decided to move to UK. Being a US citizen, I was in a state of confusion. I had to decide where to live and I chose to live with my sister and her family in New York City. First day, fresh start. My decision was like struggling up a hill with rolling stones. I knew that in order to succeed, I have to be quick, active, focuseda real New Yorker. The words of the air hostess still alarmed menewnew culture, new environment, new people and a whole new system. I was scared, fearful of what would come next. A part of me was also determined. I wanted to adapt everything this city has to offer me. And I knew that it comes down to two Es; education and experience. </p>
<p>Even though everything around me has changed, I still hold onto my past. I still remember that moment before my departure, when our home helpers daughter, who had recently joined school at the age of fifteen, asked me if she could have most of my school itemsI was happy to give it all awayfor me they were just text books and stationary, but for her they were a type of luxury. I didnt realize the importance before, but now I ask myself Why am I here? Why U.S? The only answers that come to my mind are education and desperation. One day, I was talking to her over the phone and asked her how her school was going and she responded, in our native language, Not too well. I cant find a job, Im scared that I might be a targeted victim if I go around looking for work. I might drop out soon. </p>
<p>Her desperation awakened a responsibility within me. I had overtaken a responsibility that I believed in. My goal had become to help fund the education of indigent students in Pakistan. I was motivated to form an online organization. My motivation does not come from what others have said; it comes from what I have experienced. </p>
<p>Currently my organization consists of approximately 1100 actively participating members in various parts of the world. My hope is to see more than just one society educated and progressing. As Ive grown up and have been through a few different roles in life, I have lost my childhood in many ways. I have been separated from my parents; I have lost my home country. I have also gained. I am now able to take risks, Im independent. I have learned that an adult should be someone who has the ability to accept responsibility, for their own life but also for the lives of others, make choices and then believe and implement those choices. After my senior year ends this summer, I already have my next decision in line; to pursue my education further. Being able to stand a step away from fulfilling the unique experiences yet to achieve. Im scared. But this time Im stronger. </p>
<p>And please tell me if you were an admissions officer at UPenn or perhaps any University and you see this essay with a 3.06 GPA and 22 ACT score aiming for finance or marketing as a major; what will your opinion be?
Thank you. Be harsh if you have to I'm a practical person and will be more than happy to hear all opinions.</p>