<p>hi, please rip this apart, and give suggestions on HOW to improve. Gracias!</p>
<p>Prompt: A better understanding of other people contributes to the development of moral virtues. We shall be both kinder and fairer in our treatment of others if we understand them better. Understanding ourselves and understanidng others are connected, since as human beings we all have things in common.
adapted from Anne Sheppard, Aesthetics: an introduction to the philosphy of art</p>
<p>assignment: Do we need other people in order to understand ourselves?</p>
<p>ESSAY:
It is very difficult to understand ourself, but this understanding can be improved by understanding others. By realizing that everyone shares intrinsic similarities, one can both see a less biased view of oneself and eventually improve one's own character.</p>
<p>There is an old chinese saying that a person who travels within mountains cannot see a path but a person who stands apart can easily see a path. The principle that it is hard to see things in close proximity, such as a person's character, than it is to see things that are far away, such as someone else. I continulously experience this myself in everyday life. many times I see a bad feature in someone else and it is only through realizing that he and I are similar that I am able to find fault in myself. Works of literature too try to gain an understanding of all humanity which includes the author.</p>
<p>After we realize that we share a common humanity, we can also realize the existence of others and act accordingly. Without noticing that there are other people in this world it would be impossible to follow Confucius' teaching to "do onto others as you would have them do to you." Virtues such as compassion and selflessness are based on the fact that one must heed the needs and point of view of others.</p>
<p>Ultimately, other people helps us improve ourselves. Abenezer Scrooge spent much of his life as a miser because he passed his time alone. However after the ghost of Christmas past shows his interaction with friends as a young man, he realizes that he too was once a social and warm person. After the ghost of Christmas present shows the meager but loving Christmas celebration of the Crachet family, Scrooge finally sees the suffering of others because of his miserly ways and the happy and warm time that he himself wants. Thus after Scrooge saw the effects and emobdiments of himself in others, he was motivated to improve himself and iembrace the virtues of compassion and charity.</p>
<p>Not realizing that everyone is similar leads to narrowmindedness and selfishness. To prevent this, society exists to remind us to pay attention and improve</p>
<p>I can't give you a score estimation, but I think you could improve your body paragraphs. Elaborate on your examples. Make it painfully clear that each one ties back to the thesis [SAT readers aren't really looking for complexity or philosophical thought. They read quickly and if they see your point clearly and you have ample support to back it up, you will earn a higher score]. Your 4th paragraph is excellent in that respect. The other body paragraphs don't have enough concrete evidence [you mentioned how works of literature are attempts to understand humanity. This is a great point. You could start an entirely new paragraph on this with a specific work as your example to provide lots of support]. I would also avoid using personal examples. Literature and history are a bit more substantial, because I think readers realize that you can make up a personal bit quickly. </p>
<p>Also, make sure your conclusion and intro match up. It seems like you are saying slightly different things in both of them, which may count against you. Asserting that 'ignoring people's similarities leads to selfishness' may be better in the beginning [or in a body paragraph], so you can support it. Stating this at the end sounds like you are about to launch into a new topic related to the original question. </p>
<p>Anyway, your writing is very strong and the vocab is nice. Grammar mistakes really don't count too much, as long as they aren't in excess. But sometimes simplicity and concrete, overemphasized examples work better. My essay for the SATs [both times] was completely awful in terms of the depth of thinking. I used trite examples but elaborated a TON, and I got good scores both times. Which is why I think that is a good strategy. I liked your essay. Best of luck!</p>
<p>Woah! All around good, 10ish. I think the examples are a bit vague.</p>
<p>Oh yea, and people who grade these take a few minutes to skim through it so you WANT to make the first sentence a STRONG thesis. I had to reread your first sentence a few times to understand! They won't take as long as us to "rip it apart" because they have 309731509814093175098 other essays to get through!</p>
<p>Going off of what chisquared said - do the SAT graders expect to see the thesis at the beginning of the paragraph? Or does it fall at the end, with a broader statement at the beginning?</p>