<p>I write the essays every time I do a practice test, and I'm just wondering if anybody can help me out on what I should and should not do.</p>
<p>I'M NOT GOING TO C/P THE WHOLE ESSAY; I'm just looking for some basic help from some experienced kids/counselors.</p>
<p>I just completed test #3 in the BB. The essay question is "Is conscience a more powerful motivator than money, fame, or power?"</p>
<p>I wrote the full two pages. Here is my thesis statement word-for-word from the essay: "However, the truth of the matter is that conscience can overcome the corruptions of money, fame, or power. Unfortunately, though, the power of the conscience does not always trump the attractions of money, fame, and power."</p>
<p>I think my conjunctions are a bit funny, and I don't like the repetition of "money, fame, and power". How much do these stylistic things matter? Because I didn't have time in 25 minutes to reread and revise.</p>
<p>As for the three paragraphs, I used solely historical examples.
Paragraph 1: MLK and the civil rights movement, he sacrificed everything to fight for justice
Paragraph 2: Philanthropy of the Captains of Industry, Rockefeller and the Museum of Modern Art and Carnegie and the "Gospel of Wealth"
Paragraph 3: an example of how conscience does not always trump, the owners of Enron and their corruption.</p>
<p>My main question is should I include a concession like my Enron paragraph? And do you think my thesis is strong enough?</p>
<p>Conclusion: Conscience has the power to trump fame, power, and money, but unfortunately does not always do so.</p>
<p>What would you estimate that I got on this essay? The rest of the essay is written pretty well, with the second paragraph being my strongest.</p>
<p>Thanks so much for your time and help!</p>