essay editing

any help would be greatly appreciated

Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you

<pre><code>The more I saw Troy, the more I wanted to breakdown and cry. It became demanding on my spirit because every new encounter inevitably lead to more sorrow and grief. I felt bad for his parents, his little sister Jennifer, but I found it particularly difficult holding back most of my tears whenever I saw his identical twin brother, Jonathan.
Troy told me he had been diagnosed with a rare form of cancer called Ewings Sarcoma when I was finishing up my sophomore year in October 2002. I was in a state of utter disbelief as he looked at me with a candid expression; my legs and arms became numb and I couldn’t conjure up a single facial expression, just a blank stare. The first thing that came to mind was, “How could this happen, he’s only seventeen?”
The financial burden Troy’s family was about to undertake was sure to be extravagant. Call me impulsive, but I soon became involved in every single fund that the community had to offer for him and encouraged others to participate, I simply became possessed. The depression from within dwindled from my system and it was replaced by an immense feeling of obligation and motivation. Never before had I been so determined in my efforts to support a cause. I discovered that I had the passion, fervor and intensity which I so much admired others for possessing. Perhaps the greatest gift he gave me was the lifelong relationship I will have with the American Cancer Society.
It may sound cliché, but Troy’s struggle to survive put life in perspective for me. Who cares if you did bad on a test, if you struggled at a sport or if you didn’t have a lot of money, it’s all meaningless unless you have the gift of life. Perspective allows you to sort out the basic problems of life in a more meaningful and comprehensive way.
During my last visit before Troy’s death, he was very content with his situation and even cracked a few jokes. Here he was, near death and as a happy as anything. I cried uncontrollably as I looked at him, and he reassured me that he “just wanted everybody to live happy lives and not harp over his death.” My greatest inspiration derives from seeing him in his fragile state, consoling those around him as if they had been the ones to be struck with fatality.
Three weeks after I last spoke to Troy, his eighteen month battle ended in defeat. All I could remember were his last words to me and I’ll forever have them imprinted into my mind, “Just live happy lives.” It’s actually pretty sad when a person’s greatest impact on you comes upon the face of death…
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<p>its so sad.</p>

<p>I thought the essay was very good. You should expand upon the relationship you have with the Red Cross because that will tell more about you. I know this is a personal essay, but there isn't anything that makes it that much more unique than any other person's essay having to deal with a tragedy. Also, there are a few lines like this, "My greatest inspiration derives from seeing him in his fragile state, consoling those around him as if they had been the ones to be struck with fatality." where you should pay attention to diction. Be more concise; more concise means more powerful.</p>

<p>thanks i took that out of my re-do. the only problem with the red cross thing is that I won't have any space to fit it. I already surpassed the 500 word limit and adding more details about my involvement with the red cross will only inflate the word count even more.</p>