<p>This is the essay from the Official Practice Test 2012-2013, which comes with an online scorer that uses e-rater to grade essays automatically. According to that I got a 12, but I'm not so sure about this score because I've never done this well in the past (and it's only my 3rd practice test). Can you check it out?</p>
<p>Prompt:
Nowadays nothing is private: our culture has become too confessional and self-expressive. People think that to hide ones thoughts or feelings is to pretend not to have those thoughts or feelings. They assume that honesty requires one to express every inclination and impulse.</p>
<p>Adapted from J. David Velleman, "The Genesis of Shame"</p>
<p>Should people make more of an effort to keep some things private? Plan and write an essay in which you develop your point of view on this issue. Support your position with reasoning and examples taken from your reading, studies, experience, or observations.</p>
<p>Essay:
Privacy often benefits people and helps them run their lives in a more efficient way. In some cases transparency is the better route, but revealing secrets can jeopardize life as we know it. This principle is seen in history, literature, and cinema.</p>
<pre><code> In the early 19th century, Napoleon Bonaparte's lack of effort to maintain privacy hurt his empire and led to its downfall. At that time, Napoleon was involved in a war with the Russians over land in eastern Europe. Napoleon had the upper hand, largely because he could attack the enemy with an element of surprise. However, in the Battle of Waterloo, senior officers in Napoleon's army leaked Napoleon's attack strategy. As a result, Napoleon's army was decimated in the skirmish and forced to retreat back to a small stretch of land. If Napoleon had been able to maintain privacy, he would not have been driven back and forced into submission.
Like Napoleon, the character Guy Montag in "Fahrenheit 451" would have benefitted from a greater level of discretion. In the Fahrenheit society, citizens are prevented from reading books so that they will not realize how oppressive the government is. This law is enforced by firemen, who, instead of stopping houses from burning down, simply burn the books that they find. Montag is a character who is enlightened by books, and after reading them, he feels that he needs to rebel against the government. However, Montag chooses to share this revelation with his wife, Mildred; this choice ultimately leads to a major problem for Montag. Mildred immediately shares this information with law enforcement officials, who subsequently condemn Montag as a criminal. Montag's unwillingness to keep his revolutionary thoughts private only hurts him in the end, and thus proves that privacy is beneficial.
Similar to how Guy Montag does not keep his though private, the protagonist James Walker in the movie "House of Lies" gets in trouble because he is too forthcoming with the truth. In this movie, Walker is a major sports star who is a close friend of murderer Sam Shields. However, the audience sees that Walker is not even remotely involved in Shields's heinous crimes. When Shields is convicted of several murders and is sent to jail, Walker releases a statement saying that he knew Shields to be a good man. This was a major mistake. A huge backlash erupted, and Walker was forced to retire prematurely. If Walker had kept his friendship with Shields private, there would have been no significant repercussions.
Privacy is important to humans' safety and civil liberties, and should be more valued by those who choose to ignore it.
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<p>I know I stretched the facts a bit in this essay, but assuming you didn't know I lied, what would you give me from the point of view of an official grader?</p>