Essay help for UCs (short one)

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hi. I think this is my first time posting in the parents forum, but I have always noticed that you guys give awesome critiques for essays, so I hope you don't mind reading another one. This is for the UCs and is short. The max is 200 words and prompt is: </p>

<p>Focus: Potential to Contribute
Rationale: UC welcomes the contributions each student brings to the campus learning community. This question seeks to determine an applicant's academic or creative interests, and potential to contribute to the vitality of the University
Question: Tell us about a talent, experience, contribution or personal quality you will bring to the University of California.</p>

<p>My essay:
The art of creating something important and necessary is like catching toast right when it pops out from the toaster. I am fortunate to experience this thrill every time I enter room 601, the home of the Titan Template. In this place of refuge from the rest of school, I can express my creativity and exercise my responsibility. As the production manager of our award-winning school newspaper, I oversee the layouts of pages and decide which stories and pictures make it to the final version. I also teach underclassmen the basics of news page design and improve the look of the paper by creating fresh artistic designs. For some people, art is a painting or sculpture, but my canvas and creative outlet is the computer monitor.</p>

<pre><code>I don’t view the newspaper as boring pieces of paper, but as a link between the students and the community. It highlights the concerns and achievements of the students to parents and is a bright spot in our dismal school district. Nothing is more rewarding than seeing everyone in class and in the community talk about the good things happening at school, and one day I hope to experience the same feeling again as part of the student newspaper in college.
</code></pre>

<p>I would like to know if this answers the question well enough. Please comment on anything else. Thanks so much in advance!</p>

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<p>Bri,</p>

<p>I think you have a good topic, but offer the following feedback:
1) The toast reference is odd and a bit confusing. I suggest losing the first sentence
2) is there a specific case article or layout you worked on that you can share about?
3) when you first reference the Titan Template, indicate that it is the school newspaper
4) I like the bit about highlighting student concerns and accomplishments. Again, maybe mention some specific cases.
5) Also lose the sentence about the computer monitor. The overall effect of your essay should convey that you like working on the newspaper, you don't need to keep stating it. </p>

<p>good luck</p>

3

<p>Thanks for the comments. I went and took out the first line and the part about the computer, but still end up with about 195 words, which is 5 words below the limit. Do you think it is essential to have specific cases?</p>