Essay help from some adults please!

Parents Forum
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<p>I originally posted this in the Essays forum, but it seems that I'm not getting much of a response there. ADad recommended that I post my situation over here. He said there would be lot of helpful parents over here, so I'm crossing my fingers and hoping for the best. </p>

<p>Okay, I have a really big question to ask.</p>

<p>My father molested me when I was in freshman year in high school. It only happened once, because that day, I told my mom. The thing is, is that it's a family secret, and he isn't reported or anything. I'm thinking about writing about this for my personal statement, but I have no idea how to go about it without making it overly sentimental or cliche. Do admissions officers get these kind of mushy-mushy tragic, woe-is-me types of essay often? And if you guys think I should write about my experience, I need to somehow not say that my father did this to me, because as twisted as it sounds, my mother and I feel like we need to protect this secret and honestly, I don't want him to go to jail or anything. But the problem is, is that one of the HUGE and important complications of the aftermath is the fact that he is my father, and not some neighbor.</p>

<p>Also, I'm an Asian female whose upper-middle class who is probably going to apply to some lower tier Ivy-leagues. Yes, I am taking advantage of my situation here: do you think this would raise my chances of getting into some of them if I pull it off? Or would an essay of this topic just turn them off?</p>

<p>My other problem is that if I actually decide to submit this essay, how do I get someone to correct it? I can't exactly show it to my English teacher, unless I do it anonymously.</p>

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<p>For many reasons, it is not recommended for you to exploit this painful experience for your college essay. For one thing, if any educator even suspects the truth here, they are legally required to report it. Also, what are you trying to covey, that you survived an assault and did not report it? It may be more appropriate to talk about something that has inspired you to excel. What is it about YOU that is special and makes you a great candidate. Have you helped others, or do you have a talent that is not obvious in your application. My D wrote about how happy she was at her freshman HS orientation, going to a school where she didn't know a soul, but feeling accepted and thrilled when the evening was through. Then she went on about the teachers and people who helped her blossom.<br>
Write something positive about yourself would be my vote.<br>
PS-you should really discuss this with your mom or a responsible adult, This is a very serious issue that will affect you and your family forever.</p>

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<p>Colleges want to see essays that reflect personal growth -- if the person writes about a difficult or painful personal experience, then the college wants to see a positive outcome expressed. A "woe is me" essay (in your words) is a turn off-- no one gets into college by virtue of the ad com feeling pity -- what works when a student write about a traumatic experience is a message that leaves the ad com feeling respect or admiration.</p>

<p>So, for example, if a student wrote an essay about their parent's loss of a job & resulting family hardship, and then wrote how she had gotten a job on her own to help with family finances -- that might be a good essay because it shows the student taking initiative and helping out. </p>

<p>It's hard to see how your situation translates into a positive message, and while I am very concerned for your personal well being, I think it is misguided to use that as an essay topic if, as you say, you are doing it to raise chances. It won't --- at least not with an essay written in the way you have described it here.</p>

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<p>I agree with the above posts. I think the your essay topic is bound to elicit shock or anger from the reader. Are those the reactions you're looking for? It's also bound to trigger many questions-- did you get help, is there the possibility he could have done something like that before (or since)? etc. Of course, maybe we are missing something-- are you involved with women's or children's advocacy or anti-abuse groups? That might make things different, but still--</p>

<p>It's one thing to take a risk, but this is a serious, complicated issue. It's probably a good idea to talk to someone about it, maybe even write about it, but I don't think your college essay is the place. Good luck. That's a tough situation.</p>

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<p>Cawcaw - you have been given some excellent advice. If you think about your interests, your accomplishments, etc., I am sure there is something you can write about that will give admissions people a positive impression of you. What happened to you was inexcusable, but it's not a good topic for an essay. </p>

<p>Admissions people do get a lot of "tragic" essays and unless they reveal some personal growth, they will not lead to an acceptance. </p>

<p>As other posters have said - please talk to someone you trust. This kind of betrayal is too painful to just keep secret. You may find in time that you not only resent your father - but those in your family who told you to keep the incident to yourself. You need someone who is just interested in helping you.</p>

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<p>Cawcaw,</p>

<p>What happened to you is quite sad. I don't think your feelings can be resolved without some individual and family therapy. I understand your mother's desire for secrecy, but your mental health, and the safety of your siblings, are at stake.</p>

<p>I agree with the other posters that this would not be a good essay topic.</p>

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<p>Thanks for you replies!</p>

<p>If I WAS to write my personal essay on this topic, which I am hesitant on and it seems that you guys agree with this, I would not focus on the "woe-is-me" part or go into graphic detail, as some of you seemed to be concerned about. Sorry, I probably did not make that clear. I kind of express myself sarcastically, and when I mean a "woe-is-me" essay, I don't literally mean I would write an essay detailing how horrible my life is. I would instead focus on my growth from the aftermath. I would say even after this, I feel like I still have faith in people and I remain optimistic and I would say fairly emotionally well-balanced. I've come to be more assertive, I have come to realize the imperfection of my parents, etc. Maybe it would be important to note that I told my mom that very day, instead of letting myself continue to be abused? That kind of stuff. I've never worked with any advocacy groups because, truthfully, I think it just would be too painful. However, I hope to be able to do this when I get older. </p>

<p>The reason I might write my essay on this topic is because I read that admissions people like to see people who have encountered adversity but did well despite the situation. The thing is, statistically, I feel like I fit the stereotypical Asian bill. Even my ECs. Violin? Check. Tennis? Check. Is it wrong to think that if I wrote about this subject, it would set me apart and also it would show how I deal with adversity?</p>

<p>What I am worried about is if a lot of students write about a tragic situation, such as a death, and their personal growth afterwards. I feel like my situation is unique to what they encounter most often, so that will be different, but still it runs the risk of becoming the stereotypical "tragic situation with ensuing personal growth!" essay since with my topic, there's only so much I can do without seriously disturbing the reader. </p>

<p>My mother isn't exactly the best person to talk to about this kind of topic. When I do try to speak to her about it, she usually just winds up twisting the conversation into her problems and that she is the victim. She doesn't want me to get therapy either, because it will reveal our secret. She's a helpful one, isn't she? I guess I could talk to one of those hotlines, but those can't exactly help me with how to approach something like this as an essay topic. And friends? Honestly, I don't want to be pitied by them. I feel like my relationship with them would change.</p>

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<p>I hate to do this, but I'm going to bump my topic. Just wondering if any of you might something to say that could help me, now that I've addressed some of the things you guys were wondering.</p>

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<p>cawcaw90, I still would not write about this topic. If you are going to write about some defining moment in your life, I do not think you want to write about this. To say that your father molesting you and the aftermath of that is the defining moment of your life almost implies that you haven't gotten past it.<br>
I CERTAINLY do not mean to trivialize your situation or say that you should have gotten past it but I do not think this is what you want adcoms to think of as the first thing they think about you.</p>

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<p>I think you might be considering writing about this in the essay because you really want to tell someone what happened to get help.</p>

<p>It's true that if you report this to an educator they are mandated by law to report it to the next person and so on. Likeliest a person would come from a government agency to interview your Dad, but unless he raped you he won't actually go to jail. The visit by a child protection social worker to your Dad would likely ensure he'd never, ever try anything like that again, on you or a younger relative. </p>

<p>You are probably very afraid that your Mom will be furious with you, too. From what I've seen, it will get worse before it gets better, but telling someone is finally better than holding in a secret. When you hold in a secret, it makes you very angry inside, which can turn to depression long-term, and that's not good for your health at all. </p>

<p>I think your Dad will be put on notice and watched, but won't go to jail. Perhaps it will be worth the short-term commotion to protect you and any younger relatives for all future time if he knows he can't get away with this.</p>

<p>Someday you might also blame your Mom for making you keep this inside, when it was a crime committed against you. If someone had hit you in the streets with a brick, would she also make that stay a secret? </p>

<p>Can you handle some temporary commotion and anger by your Dad when you blow the whistle? What would happen is you'd mention this to someone at school. Within a day or two, someone higher up than the teacher would actually phone a Child Protective Service. Then that person would contact your Dad and say that there's been mention at the school that this has happened, so they have to come to discuss it with him. </p>

<p>I think that's the way to deal with your secret, not in a college essay. On that level, it will make an AdCom feel worried that it's unresolved, so could manifest itself negatively once you get to college.</p>

<p>I'm so sorry this has happened to you at this moment in your life. Nothing you did deserved this. Someday if he stops this you will also be able to forgive your Dad, but (I think) not if you look at him forever and realize he got away with this in secret. You are still from a good family, and families do get through these things with effort. </p>

<p>I met an AdCom once who said he wanted to admit people to the campus who are happy and productive. Writing about this searing, unresolved problem doesn't make you sound ready to CONTRIBUTE to the life of the campus.</p>

<p>C'mon, you can find something else that isn't "stereotypical Asian." If you could write very deeply and movingly about how you feel when playing the violin, that's a better essay. I wish I could play a violin and would love to meet someone who could do it passionately. I'm less jumping up-and-down to meet a victim of abuse.</p>

<p>You have my deepest respect.</p>

<p>PS I just reread you post. The molestation happened when you were a freshman!
In my mind, I thought it just happened last week.
He definitely won't go to jail if you report something that old, as long as it isn't continuing today. It will become a discussion, an interview warning by the government. That's what would happen if you reported it to the school tomorrow.</p>

<p>Now think about it; you've been carrying this around all this time! It certainly has bothered you. To mention it to a teacher isn't going to bring sirens to your doorstep because it's not happening any more. It just might make you feel better that the secret is no longer secret. </p>

<p>Even if you don't choose to report it now at school (since it's on your mind), an essay on this topic really doesn't make you sound good. It makes you sound secretive, worried and troubled. Even if you moved past it. Please don't use this as your essay topic. Anything else is better, whether or not you CHOOSE to mention this at your school this year.</p>

<p>Also, if you write on a different topic, you can still decide later to deal with the old secret, but it won't all happen at the same time as StressSemester, when you need to concentrate on college applications. In other words, file your college applications with essays on another topic, and THEN think about what you want to do about reporting it.</p>

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<p>cawcaw, I sent you a PM.</p>

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<p>Heck, if that's the story you need to tell then tell it.</p>

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<p>Cawcaw. First, my sympathy for a difficult and clearly an unresolved emotional issue. Perhaps it is made even more difficult by your Asian background. </p>

<p>There are no topics that cannot be written for a college assay, including such a painful one as yours. That said, some topics are clearly more difficult to write into a good college asay and yours may be one of such. Here are some suggestions:</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Your assay can address the topic of forgiveness and how it is important for you to be able to move on and yet retaining a degree of love for your family. Can you see your parents in a light beyond this incident? </p></li>
<li><p>How does the incident relate to your choice of a study concentration: anthropology, philosophy, law etc. To do it right, you would have had done some meditation already.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Best of luck to you.</p>

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<p>I would not recommend this as the topic of your essay. It is too charged an issue; it is likely to come across as a plea for sympathy rather than an essay showing strength of character, it raises all kinds of flags about your mother as well as your father, and about you; and it puts the reader on the spot about whether to report it. Is that what you want?<br>
Contrary to Paying3Tuitions, whose advice is otherwise sound, I would say that you cannot assume that a report of the incident would not lead to a criminal sentence for your father, including the requirement of registering as a sex offender. In California, for example, the courts can be very severe in cases of sexual assault, even when it does not involve rape.</p>

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<p>Thanks for all the replies! This is really helpful. I will definitely take all your feedback into account.</p>

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<p>Don't do it. The potential cost to your family is astronomical and the chance that it will be some sort of differential advantage is slim. </p>

<p>I would think that you might be able to use it if you concealed the details. Sort of like, "A person who was close to me and I trusted completely did something that I'm not sure I can forgive them for. It made me feel...I did <this> about it... it's changed me <some way="">"</some></this></p>

<p>Good luck on your essays.</p>

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<p>This thread disturbs me. Cawcaw you deserve better parents. Make an appointment with a psychologist for family therapy and insist your parents go with you and work on becoming the parents you deserve. Left unaddressed this issue will eat you alive and very possibly do the same to a young relative or stranger. Do not let this lie. Let the therapist advise a course of treatment. Write your essay about the process.</p>

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<p>Thanks! WashDad, I was thinking of doing something similar to what you suggested--like concealing the identity. For AP English, we have to tell our life story twice. I was thinking of telling my closest friends, to get this burden off my back.</p>

<p>I dunno, I know most of you think its a terrible idea, but I just think its a waste because its definitely had an influence on me, but not necessarily in a bad way. Like I haven't gone into the drug scene or treated my friends differently. On the surface, I think, I'm just same ol' goofy me. But I think it has definitely helped me mature a lot, and establish independence and see a darker part of human nature that a lot don't see at that age. I think if I were to write this essay, I would not show resentment, but rather growth and forgiveness(well, I hope). Maybe I could write about what it was like to reveal it to my friends? And I would send it to a school where I know I have little chance of getting into, like Yale or something. I mean, then there's not really anything to lose, right?</p>

<p>I read that college admissions people like people who have gotten past adversity, but I guess the adversity that I went through is just too controversial. </p>

<p>Anyways, thanks for all your replies! It's been very helpful.</p>

<p>Oh, and Schmoomcgoo, sorry about disturbing you. But my mom and I are actually going to talk to my dad tonight about the situation. My mom decided she wants a divorce and that she'll bring it up in court. So I'm hoping that I will get that therapy soon :)</p>