Essay open for comments

College Essays
1

<p>This essay is concentrated on leadership. Although this essay is not for a college application, I am considering applying the same basic structure to a college essay. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated (Please ignore any grammatical errors as best as you can as I have not done any editing) </p>

<pre><code> It is finally finished—I have spent hours and hours on it, tested it, and painted it. This “it” being my sixth grade science project of course. 

 The next day I took my masterpiece to class—our objective to make the “machine” run for sixty seconds and then stop—and I started pouring the sand in the funnel. Here we go… Nothing. The sound of sand falling on an unmoving object; a class of kids stared at me. I was devastated.

   Devastated that is, until I got my marks back on the project. I had received 49 out of 50. I was proud of myself and when I discussed my grade on my project, an obvious failure, he told me it was due to the creativity of my project. Looking back on this, I now realize the importance of what my teacher had said. It is not always all about the result that you get; the way you get there is just as important.

    The paths I have taken throughout my life are just as important to me as who I am now. From a young age I have challenged myself academically, trying to not only get an “A” in the class, but to also learn and understand what I am being taught. Because of this, I am able to apply what I learn to my daily life. In addition, it has made me a leader in the classroom.

   On the court and on the ice, I strive to lead by example. I show up for every practice I can possibly make and do my best. Sometimes my best consists of falling all over the ice or missing my winner down the line, but, hey, there is always tomorrow to make it up. My tennis team noticed my work ethic and voted me captain of the team for my junior year. I am by no means the best, but I come and bring my best effort to the court and to the ice every single day. It has taught me that hard work can take you a long way. 

     In the community, however, I have not worked as hard as I would like to. Sure, I have done various volunteer jobs, but I feel that I have not done enough to make an impact in my community. I believe that NHS will offer, for me, an opportunity to become a leader in the community as well; something that I know will be of invaluable importance to my community and me. I want to make my life that “machine” that stands out from the rest, and if I work hard enough I am sure that I can make it a project that stops at 59.99 seconds—almost a perfect sixty seconds.  After all, nobody is perfect. Why not try, though?

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<p>—Bump—</p>

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<p>any comments would be great</p>

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<p>I think it’s a great start. I’d elaborate a little more on the science project–have some fun and draw the reader in. What made it so creative? This is one of those “show don’t tell” sorts of things. Make us “feel” the hours you spent. </p>

<p>I’d like to know more about how you apply what you learn in daily life, and how or why that has made you a leader in the classroom. What classroom leadership are you talking about?</p>

<p>I’m not sure about the ending. You’ve spent the whole essay talking about the importance of trying even if you fail, yet the last sentence makes it sound like it really is the “result” that is important to you.</p>