Evaluate a significant experience.

Applying to College
1

<p>Evaluate a significant experience, achievement, risk you have taken, or ethical dilemma you have faced and its impact on you.</p>

<p>250-500 words.</p>

<p>I had always wanted to run for student council president for my school for I was going to have the chance to improve the school and make a change for the better. Normally, there would be no more than three candidates running for election and they just delivered a short speech to the entire school, but this year there were six. Something different had to be done; I had to come up with “avant-garde” ideas</p>

<p>I compared my run for presidency to a proper national election one, and among the differences, there was one which struck me the most: The lack of a campaign. There had never been a tradition of doing so in our school so I thought I should start it.</p>

<p>I wanted to make a connection with potential voters, so I designed catchy posters and stuck them around the school and I personally baked dozens of muffins which I took to school the next day. We didn’t have a good cantina service in our school so I would offer them for free during the break. With the help of my friends, we set a table in the recess area and used it as a free muffin giveaway stand. A horde of children from all ages roared towards the table, raving for “Free Muffins!” </p>

<p>Everyone was pleased they were getting free muffins, something which had never happened before, but my opponents were perplexed. In a matter of minutes, they appeared with improvised cardboard posters and one could hear the shouts of their supporters crying their names; Then I realized, I had started a proper campaign and everyone was now being involved. By the end of the day, the hallways were full of improvised posters and slogans made throughout that same day plus the ones I had taken the time to design.</p>

<p>A faint twinge of excitement floated through my body that night, for I would be delivering my speech to more than 600 students. Stage fright was not an issue, since I had had various opportunities to practice my public speaking skills in other activities. My speech came out quite well however, I did not win the election. Nevertheless, after sleeping on it, I realized I had learned a lesson from the experience. A sense of enthusiasm and an ardor was created among the school due to my introduction of the campaign idea. For the first time, students from every year got involved with the elections. Directly or indirectly I had sparkled the school’s attitude towards the elections </p>

<p>This acquaintance had a positive impact on the way I see things now. My willingness to introduce something new, my desire for innovation or the appetency for a change in the way things were, actually served asan enlightenment or an inspiration for many and the “change” I was longing for, actually occurred. “The campaign idea” will now be a legacy to upcoming students and that is what made me proud; because progress is made through creativity and innovation.</p>

<p>499 Words</p>

2

<p>Great job! Good flow in the essay, Would you like to read mine?</p>

3

<p>Not to be mean or anything but your sentence structure and syntax are absolutely terrible as well as your grammar. Most of your sentences seem contrived and unnatural. Also this topic sounds very generic and I don’t truly feel that you learned anything. </p>

<p>“Nevertheless, after sleeping on it, I realized I had learned a lesson from the experience.”
Sounds like every essay that adcoms receive. You shouldn’t have to use a sentence like this to convey your “lesson learned.”</p>

<p>Also I would suggest cutting this down and use this as your extra curricular elaboration, and come up with a new, more natural topic. This essay doesn’t stand out from the crowd.</p>

4

<p>I think it has a lot of promise. </p>

<p>IMO there are a couple of spots which sound like you searched a vocab list for something to make you sound erudiate (“Appetency?” Really? Also you rave “about” something not “for” it. I think you mean “clamoring”). Finally, “perplexed” doesn’t really describe someone who reacts in a “matter of minutes.” </p>

<p>There are also some verb tense agreement issues. </p>

<p>Can you make the first sentence a little punchier? Also, while I get the positive spin you’ve put on this, you might also consider what you learned about campaign strategy–the fact that after an innovative campaign, free muffins and a great speech, you still lost.</p>

5

<p>Thanks for the advice, I have a newwer version now for anyone who wishes to check it and give me their opinion.</p>

<p>Thanks in advice.</p>

<p>PS: Some of the words might sound strange but as you said, I used a dictionary. However these words aren’t strange for me since I speak 4 languages and for example, the word “Appetency” is very similar to the spanish word “Apetece” and so I know where it comes from and as I said, it doesn’t sound awkward for me.</p>

<p>But I will look for other suitable words instead, thanks for the advice, it is really appreciated!</p>

6

<p>Oh, and @howdoudo989 what is a “standing from the crowd” essay with perfect “sentence structure and syntax as well as grammar”?</p>