<p>I wrote of my son's friend's death Wednesday. This is an article from the Chronicle today. Jamie's mom courageously speaks about the warnings she gave to him and about her worries when he went off to college. I hope that all of our children will heed these warnings. Jamie was great, just like all of our kids, and what happened to him could happen to anyone.</p>
<p>Please take the time to read the article and show it to your kids. Maybe they will listen.</p>
<p>Thank you, ag54, for sharing that article. I immediately copied it and e-mailed it to my son, asking that he read it and respond. I am sure many other readers will do the same.</p>
<p>I so appreciate Jamie's mom's unselfish thinking of others while she herself is trying to cope with her grief. Undoubtedly, her sharing her story will help other families address this issue. It is a warning for all of us. Please thank her for her forthrightness if you do speak with her. She will never know how many families she may have helped. </p>
<p>It is so true, parents can do "everything" right, yet still be hit with such a tragedy.</p>
<p>I do feel for the family. However what I want to say will probably get some harsh responses here.</p>
<p>It is a parents folly to "just say no" to the things a young adult will face going to college...Anywhere. "Don't drink, Don't drug, Don't have sex.." alot of kids only hear the first two letters of the first word. Why? because a parent is trying to create an absolute to a situation that is variable. </p>
<p>Some of the worst kids drug, alcohol and sex wise come from families where these things are absolute "NO's". They arrive at college, first taste of freedom and they screw up, big time.</p>
<p>I've never said "no" to these situations to my S or D, instead we've talked about being smart about these situations. Using good judgement if and when they decide to partake. It's their choice, not mine. I just ask my kids to be themselves, to not let somebody make them what they aren't. </p>
<p>My job is to explain possible outcomes if they decide to partake. Not all the outcomes are negative either. Being honest about the situations means they'll listen. Many parents had the same stuff happen to them in their lives while in college and instead of copying what their parents said to them way back then, they should tell the truth about what they did and how they felt about it back when they were young. </p>
<p>Again, I feel for this family and the many others out there where something like this will happen. If you need this article to start a dialog with your child great. I would suggest instead of talking about it in terms of absolutes, you focus on choice and personal judgement.</p>
<p>Some of the worst offenders that I know have parents who just did not say "NO" and "talked" about the situations. It seems to me to be more the nature of the kid and the ways the planets lined up on a particular night as to who gets the ultimate consequence.<br>
The families who eschew this type of life and live in communities that insulate them from these influences do then do have fewer problems with their kids this way--I am referring mainly to devout Christians and "old world"" families. Even they have their maverick kids. Yes, the preacher's kid can be a hell raiser, but there are more kids with clergy for parents that are perfectly well behaved.<br>
Our school does a drug/drinking/contraband/risky activities session for parents and kids each year. It is well attended by the school community. Yet the rate of problems caught stays stable each year. The message from the various groups over the last 5 years has been for the parents to say NO. Their studies show that allowing wiggle room is too often interpreted by these kids as , "I can do this, just keep it under control." Kids too often fail to keep it under control. By saying NO, there is no misunderstanding where you stand. Drugs are illegal and dangerous. Alcohol is illegal for under 21s and dangerous. People die from misusing both and using recreational drugs and drinking too much alcohol is misusing.
I have known parents who have given tacit approval for their kids to experiment a little and even provided them the shelter to do so. Often their kids do turn out ok. And a strict naysayer can have kids who do the extreme. BUt the stats I have seen about young people's behaviouf. is on average is that they usually do come home to roost.<br>
There wasn't anything that family could do with that young man, I am afraid. THere is a certain type of a person, risk taking in nature that just loves the thrill of living on the edge. For such people, the numbers are against them if they live dangerously. The discussions are fine, but the message should be clear, as some of these kids are a bit dense in the head about what was said if there is any ambivalence.</p>
<p>AMEN and AMEN!!!!!!</p>
<p>cptofthehouse:</p>
<p>Even worse than some parents going so far as to enable their own kid to 'experiment' with alcohol, drugs, and sex in their homes is when they enable kids from other families to do so as well by allowing the parties to be at their house, providing alcohol to minors, turning a blind eye to other activities, etc.</p>
<p>usla-ucsd-dad</p>
<p>That is so illegal in VT, with such stiff penalties, that I would think parents would be afraid to allow this in their homes, but I hear that some do. Once kids go off to college, though, I guess I think some experimentation is likely, if not inevitable. A lot of campuses, I think, believe that if they are too rigid on enforcement, this just drives students off campus into less safe situation with driving possibly involved.</p>
<p>It's a perennial discussion that I'm not sure has one easy answer that works for everyone. Obviously it doesn't or we'd all be doing it.</p>
<p>It seems to me the real life saving step would be more education...</p>
<p>...but not education regarding the risks of alcohol and such. Rather, education regarding what to look for in friends, when to call for help, who to call for help and so forth. </p>
<p>Our kids need to understand that a kid passed out may NOT be OK in a few hours. Stable, yes, but dead stable.</p>
<p>H has a term for how our kids see themselves regarding alcohol and every other danger out there...."Brilliant and Bulletproof"</p>
<p>There are parents who have the philosophy that the kids are going to be "doing it" (it being any kind of risky behaviour), so they may as well have safe harbor in their homes to try it out. Great if the kids can understand that. Too bad that kids do not generally thank parents and keep that behaviour within bounds--yeah, some might, but more than the parents think do not. You look pretty bad when it gets out of hand and it comes out that you were condoning this behaviour.<br>
Many of my friends do not go that far, but feel their kids can "learn" to drink at home, and include wine with meals, permit champagne for toasting, etc. Some of this is even a cultural thing as many countries do not have the restrictions ours do. Last year, an acquaintence's D went out after the dinner, and took her car. Got into a little accident, and the cop caught a whiff of the wine. I think she drank a little more than the parents say is a "taste" given the alcohol level. No she was not drunk, but even a trace is illegal for a kid under age 21. She now has a DUI, and there was all kinds of trouble for the parents since the girl admitted that she had had wine at dinner with permission from her parents, something they corroborated. I believe in some areas, maybe there, it is not illegal for parents to do this. But if it involves driving afterwards, well, it is no longer a parenting issue. Several thousand dollars later in attorney's fees, time spent in the courtroom and in alcohol counseling (court ordered), along with the stress all of this caused, things have settled down. The parents still defend their practice, but say they will be more vigilent in making sure the kids do not drive afterwards. Well, you only have to turn your back a moment. Also, when you are letting the door open like that, you don't know if the kids has a propensity for alcohol and takes more than a toast's worth. It's like say you're a little bit pregnant. In my book it is better to be consistent so that kids know exactly where you stand and on what side of the law. Believe me, I am not saying that there are not successful adults raised that way. But with some kids, and you often don't know who those kids are, they need that consistency.</p>
<p>I feel for this family more than you know. Everyone has strengths and weaknesses. It sounds like this young man was friendly and happy but also adventurous and perhaps even reckless. What a tragedy.</p>
<p>As parents, we do our best to meet our children's needs and protect them from any harm, including self-inflicted harm. Unfortunately, we can't always do that. I agree with Cptofthehouse but I doubt anything would have made a difference in this case.</p>
<p>WHat no one is talking about is this kid was not alone...he was with friends...but did they let him continue doing whatever he was doing and then it was too late</p>
<p>there is anotjer thread on this site and kids are just not caring about roommates, not their business....well...we can see what happens if kids just don't do anything when it is possible something is wrong, until it is too late</p>
<p>Earlier articles suggested Jamie passed out when no one was around so I don't see any lack of caring here, nor do I think it likely that minors who illegally drink alcohol will provide the most reliable or reasonable care for someone who overdoses. Perhaps the next step is a Designated Non-Driver for every party but that's ridiculous unless you've decided to give up on laws against underage drinking.</p>
<p>I agree with CGM....this guy was with friends. I guess the next thing is to ask is.... OK, if my teen is with a friend who is excessively drinking, what can my teen effectively do/say to get the friend to stop? I really don't have an answer.</p>
<p>Frankly, (and this is going to annoy some) I wouldn't mind if colleges(especially private colleges) went back to having stricter curfews in their dorms. At least those parents who want their kids to live in a structured environment (and are paying for one) can then choose dorm life. Those who want the freedom to do whatever can live off campus.</p>
<p>On one hand, we like to pretend that these kids are adults (because of their "legal status") but in reality they are not. We are still paying for them and their brains haven't stopped growing yet (the part of the brain where logical decisions are made.)</p>
<p>I don't think there is an answer. Kids drink. They drink with friends, and as DRJ4 hs brought up a valid point on the reliability of friends who are also drinking. The blind leading the blind. When they start going out on their own, parents can't do a thing, if they have a risk loving kid, or one who for whatever reasons is attracted to substance abuse or are just experimenting. We just tell them and remind them, and remind them again when something like this håppens.<br>
A few years ago, a bunch of teenagers were picked up for underage drinking in a parking lot not too long after a funeral of one of their buddies, who died from some consequence of alcohol/drug abuse. Their excuse and reasons for drinking was that they were depressed about that incident.</p>
<p>there is a delicate balance. I am a current student, not a parent..but in my experience, the worst underage drinkers are those whose parents turned alcohol into the forbidden fruit (ie it is horrible to drink, just say no, never drink) and those who made alcohol into no big deal (the "i'd rather have you drink in the house with your friends so I'm gonna supply you with booze). Myself and others, who are careful with alcohol, came from the families, who told their kids to be responsible with alcohol and perhaps let their children have a glass of wine with dinner if the parents were also having some.</p>
<p>Im a student too... I agree with florida girl. The worst offenders come from the extremes- the ones who were granted unlimited freedom (who don't respect the effects of alcohol) and the ones who are told no, no, no, and then out of curiosity and irritation tasted the f. fruit.</p>
<p>I think the best method is the honest approach- let them know about the dangers, about moderation- but admit that alcohol won't kill you after one sip.
That way, they can feel smart and not like a wuss then refuse / moderate.</p>
<p>flgirl04,</p>
<p>You may be right. Sometimes it surprises me that we don't have more deaths, given how widespread underage drinking apparently is. I've concluded that some things work for some families and other things work for other families. We hope that each family finds the right balance but there are always exceptions, often for reasons that are easy to understand in hindsight but not as easy to foresee. The exceptions, like Jamie's death, are very sad.</p>
<p>Here are the conclusions released in March 2005 by the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism (a component of the National Institutes of Health and the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services):</p>
<p>
[quote]
The researchers conclude that greater enforcement of the legal drinking age of 21 and zero tolerance laws, increases in alcohol taxes, and wider implementation of screening and counseling programs, and comprehensive community interventions are among the strategies that can reduce college drinking and associated harm to students and others.
[/quote]
<p>I have always shaken my head at this legal drinking age at 21 for a number of reasons. I did see a report, however, that a significant reduction of drunken driving deaths occurred in that age group since the age was increased.</p>