@MWolf I have no idea if LACs only hire people who attended LACs, and I’m not going to look it up, but I do know that humanities degrees from UVA, Berkeley, MIT and Cambridge should be added to your list of “almost as good”. Another way in, of course, is to be a professor somewhere else first.
Harvard
Jonathan Bobaljik - (linguistics) undergrad McGill, grad MIT
Ambrogio Camozzi Pistoja (Romance languages) - BA U of Milan, grad Cambridge
Anna Wilson (English) - undergrad Cambrige, grad U of Toronto
Yale
Jennifer Allen (History) - BA UVA, grad UC Berkeley