Extreme Apathy In HS Senior Re Admissions

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hi -- I'm looking for advice, support, thoughts on the following situation.</p>

<p>My daughter has become extremely apathetic about everything related to college. She's a good solid student, not tippy top but with solid SATs (about 2200). She's still engaged with her school work and her friends, but she is now avoiding anything related to college.</p>

<p>She will not even open college-related mail. Not even big-envelope mail from colleges she's applied to. </p>

<p>She has granted me permission to open them, and then doesn't want to hear about the results. ME: "You're in! Into honors program! With merit money!" HER: "I don't want to talk about it right now! I'll talk about it later!"</p>

<p>She has a lot of anxiety generally, and I think she is terrified to go away to school. She has ADHD and is very "young" for her age.</p>

<p>There's really only one school she's even remotely excited about -- a very good school that is only about 45 minutes from our house. But it is a reach -- reachable, but still a reach. She knows there is a very good chance she WON'T get in. </p>

<p>She selected the other schools she applied to by geography and size. Not too far away, not too small. She hasn't even visited some of them, but when I suggest that we go visit them, she says, "I don't want to talk about it!" Like a little kid.</p>

<p>The admission letters so far have been for schools that I'd consider safeties.</p>

<p>Has anyone else faced anything similar? What did you do? How did things work out?</p>

2

<p>She isnt ready for college.
Does she have any ideas about what she would do instead?</p>

3

<p>I’m not sure that she isn’t ready for college, but it does seem that she’s dreading it and avoiding thinking about it for some reason.</p>

<p>That reason may be related to college itself – perhaps she’s spooked by the unfamiliarity of it or worried about the academic demands. But it might just as easily be connected with a reluctance to leave her current high school world, especially if she has made good friends there.</p>

<p>My son was like this. He went out of his way to minimize talking and thinking about college and doing things related to college admissions. It seemed as though he was trying to wish the whole situation away. But he did get accepted and went off to college on time. And it worked out fine.</p>

<p>So I’m not sure that spending time doing something else instead of college is necessarily the best solution – although it might be for some young people.</p>

4

<p>My daughter and I had to have several “talks” during her senior year because she just didn’t “get it”. She didn’t get the urgency, or the fact that there really isn’t that much of a “later”.</p>

<p>So, I made out a timeline working backward from the first day of college:</p>

<p>First day of classes</p>

<p>Move in and last minute business</p>

<p>Freshman Camp</p>

<p>Orientation & Registration</p>

<p>Apply for housing - make a decision</p>

<p>Apply for scholarships</p>

<p>Get accepted</p>

<p>Apply for college</p>

<p>I attached some dates to these things, and set that paper aside. Then I sat her down and just talked to her. “What’s the deal? Why are you not engaged it these activities.”</p>

<p>She said she was scared, overwhelmed and just focused on her senior year right now.</p>

<p>So I asked her, “Are you for sure you want to go to college next year?” She said she was, and restated her fears, etc.</p>

<p>So I sympathized with her, told her I knew it was scary, assured her that we’d be there for her, and it was going to be exciting, and she was going to be fine, and then I informed her: THINGS HAVE TO HAPPEN NOW OR YOU WILL NOT GO TO COLLEGE NEXT YEAR. And I pulled out the sheet. We have to make sure you’re covered financially - scholarships, etc, we have to touch all the bases - and for that to all happen and the planets to align, you have to engage.</p>

<p>She REALLY didn’t realize the urgency until I showed her in black and white. She was procrastinating because she was a bit terrified.</p>

<p>Just saying - talk to her. MAKE her talk back.</p>

5

<p>we have stopped asking our son to fill out incoming scholarship requests. he is burned out. there is nothing that he could do at this moment to increase his chance of getting acceptance.</p>

6

<p>My D goes in and out of that behavior. I’ve tried to talk to her about it. She will only say that the communications “make me feel like curling up into a ball and staying there.”</p>

<p>I think it’s a product of ambivalence. She loves her senior year, knows she will miss her friends, and knows just as strongly that she can’t wait to get to college and will have to adapt there, as well.</p>

<p>I wouldn’t write it off as not being ready, but do wonder if a gap year might be in order.</p>

<p>As to how to handle - I would say mix the news in with an activity that she really likes. Maybe she feels panic every time you bring it up. This makes her more averse to the discussion.</p>

<p>Example: my D talks a lot more when we are physically busy, cooking together or walking. So I use those times to bring up a slightly challenging topic. She is more relaxed to start and responds better.</p>

<p>It sounds like she is feeling a lot of conflict, and backing off to let things ‘cool off’ for her might be a good idea.</p>

<p>I think my D is thinking there will be time enough to handle this once all the FA offers are in hand. I’ve been trying to convince her that we can’t wait until then to do all our investigating, we won’t have enough time given her coursework and EC’s. </p>

<p>Things are going better for us now that I’m talking more about college in general. Under the advice of my acupuncturist I started talking to her about her leaving and how that was going to impact the entire family. That has helped a lot, because she never thought at all about how this change would impact the rest of the family. Getting her attention off her own feelings might help, too.</p>

<p>Complicated, isn’t it? Also, you might find it very different once she hears from a school she really wants to go to. That changed things for my D, at least temporarily. I think my D doesn’t handle ambiguity well, likes everything to be cut and dried and has secretly decided it’s down to 1-2 schools, one she’s heard from and another that’s going to let us know pretty late in the process. I think she may just not care except for those 2 schools, so the discussion isn’t worth the discomfort it provokes.</p>

7

<p>Maybe she just doesn’t want to think about it until she’s heard from the one she likes best. I actually think not thinking about college during this period where there’s nothing you the applicant can do to change the process is pretty healthy. I’d say leave her be, wait till you’ve heard from all the colleges and then have a conversation about what the options are. She may want to take a gap year, or by April she may be chomping at the bit to leave.</p>

8

<p>I agree with emeraldkity4, your daughter is not ready to leave home for college. Her fears are getting the best of her so it is time to discuss options: a gap year, a year of work in your home town, community college for a year, etc.</p>

<p>You do not want to force her onto a campus somewhere where she will feel paralyzed and unable to cope with completing academics as well as all the bureaucratic tasks of independent life. </p>

<p>In your discussions with her, point out how different life will be next year when all her friends have left town for college. She may neeed some time to envision the sea-change to come and figure out where she will be happiest. Best of luck.</p>

<p>cross-posted with mathmom.</p>

9

<p>i don’t think this is that uncommon, as others have said, especially while waiting for all results to come in. Seniors also tend to be really bonded at this point and are valuing their last days.</p>

<p>I do wonder if she has a little more than the usual ambivalence, or even apprehension, due to her ADHD (and/or young age). Are there things in motion that can help or reassure her about academic challenges with ADHD, once away from home? Does she have medication or other approach that helps? How much support does she rely on from parents? Does she express worry about being more on her own or mainly this kind of head-in-the-sand behavior?</p>

<p>You don’t have to answer these, just raising the questions.</p>

10

<p>She sounds pretty normal actually. It’s REALLY hard for seniors, even kids who are excited about going off to college, reality is sinking in-they are no longer kids, they are college students, they won’t be sleeping in their own bed every night. There is still a lot of uncertainty about where they will be in just a few short months. A LOT of kids have a hard time not knowing where they will be in September. It’s VERY scary. I would just open things as needed, keep them in a pile on your desk so she can look at them when she wants, stop talking about it unless you REALLY need her to do something. Chat here with us about a new acceptance, a scholarship she got, or any questions you have. I think to the kids it sounds like “YIPPEE, one more scholarship and you are gone…see YA—Dad and I are going to PARTY!!!” even though that is not at ALL what you mean.</p>

<p>Once they meet their roommates, get a dorm assignment, etc. it does get better for most kids. Just enjoy senior year stuff-prom dress shopping or whatever is going on right now. Be excited on CC and let your D just absorb the changes in her life.</p>

11

<p>Her behavior is not necessarily a sign that she’s not ready for college. She may be just sick of the topic right now after getting all the apps in, and she may feel that there is no point in discussing anything until she has heard back from all the schools she applied to and knows what her options will actually be. Try to let her live in the present for a few weeks, as there is no point to doing otherwise.</p>

12

<p>“I think to the kids it sounds like “YIPPEE, one more scholarship and you are gone…see YA—Dad and I are going to PARTY!!!” even though that is not at ALL what you mean.”</p>

<p>Except when you do. Some days, that kid of mine . . . .</p>

13

<p>SomeOldGuy—ok, I admit, I’m looking at travel pages for a trip that is NOT centered around some school holiday :D.</p>

14

<p>Me too. Unfortunately, as long as I’m paying tuition, I may not get much farther away from home than Rockville Pike.</p>

15

<p>S2 received all his acceptances in Jan. He knows he still has time to decide, so for now, he’s not thinking about it. I don’t think it’s apathy on his part. Rather, it’s a life-changing decision that will take him out of his comfort zone no matter where he ends up going. So until he has to do it, he has no interest in it. That’s his way of handling things he’s not looking forward to. It’s pretty much how I’m handling the fact that both my boys will be away at college in the fall :(</p>

16

<p>To get away from the jokes and back to the OP, I’m shocked – SHOCKED – that an American teenager is reacting to a big, life-altering decision through avoidance and procrastination. The advice upthread about calendaring out the real decision deadlines working backward from freshman orientation was good. My guess is that when you do that, you’ll realize there is nothing your daughter HAS to do for about another four weeks or so. </p>

<p>However . . . that’s also a good way to tee up the conversation about understanding why she just wants to put her head down and do the high school thing and that’s cool for about another month, but then she’ll have to start thinking through her actual, realized option set. If she wants to get a bit of a head start on it so it doesn’t all come as a rush, that’s good too.</p>

17

<p>Thanks for the reinforcement, SomeOldGuy! It depends on where she’s planning to go. A lot of things are filling up at my D’s school - housing is full now (of course there are always other options, but if money is a constraint…) Orientation sessions are quickly filling up, so scheduling can become a problem…it just depends.</p>

<p>But I agree it’s a good discussion starter. </p>

<p>One thing that I found is - if daughter is freaking out, I HAVE TO STAY CALM. If I start freaking out, she’ll run screaming in the other direction. So even if I’m anxious on the inside, my demeanor has to remain calm, my tone of voice has to remain calm, and my approach has to be carefully measured…or she’ll spook! :)</p>

18

<p>Well, that might be a good hook to start the discussion about whether any of the “backup” options to Choice #A1 can be eliminated without much discussion. “Hey, D. I know you’re trying to focus on HS right now, but this letter from School XYZ says if we don’t think about housing in the next two weeks, you’ll end up living in a van down by the river. Can we spend 15 minutes talking about whether you want to keep your options open there, or should we just let that one go because you’d never choose it over School ABC?”</p>

19

<p>I’ve not read all of the responses in detail but my first thought for the OP is that if you have a daughter who tends toward anxiety who is getting extremely anxious about all this why wouldn’t you back off? Let her come to you? She might just need a break from collegecollegecollege. Stick all the mail in a corner. It isn’t even March.</p>

20

<p>Last year during the waiting period (January-March), my daughter did not want to discuss colleges. She was tired of the process and needed to recharge for when all the decisions were in and she needed to make her choice. Once she had heard from everybody, she got back into it and very systemically choose which admitted students days to attend and then very carefully picked which school she wanted. I think she needed the break and to her what good was thinking about choosing when she did not yet know what all her choices were going to be. Also, your daughter probably has enough drama at school with other students boasting or crying about their results. I say give her a break - take away some of the stress and don’t bring it up until all she has all her answers.</p>