Is this independence or interdependence? Could it be the new norm? Is there much value left in a traditional family for future generations? What limits one more? Marriage or children?
“One of my most precious and valued possessions was my independence: my struggle for control over my own life,” she wrote, continuing, “I didn’t see that it had no intrinsic value for anyone but myself, that it was a coin that was precious only within the realm, a currency that could not cross borders.”
I’ve obviously read too many articles already. Paywall for me. Bummer
The article resonated with me. I can’t help but notice - just to give one example - that as the longest-lived single person in my family that it is my job to keep everyone (siblings, cousins, sole surviving aunts, etc.) in touch with each other. My married siblings don’t have the time or inclination.
I can’t read the article but it sounds interesting! In my family of origin, I am the one that gets people together…and I am the only one married with children!
It is also important to me to try to maintain the family ties for my children’s sake. My family of origin is small (and then I am the only one who had kids) but I want my kids to have connections to extended family, aunts uncles cousins, especially as my family side gets smaller and smaller.
The writer of this article mentions living in what her family jokingly calls “the compound,” where she landed after a divorce during the pandemic. Her mother lives there as well as her sisters, with their families (unclear whether the sisters’ kids’ fathers are there). Then the rest of the piece doesn’t mention the idea of a compound again, but instead goes into what marriage makes us give up in terms of independence.
The author says she did not experience the loneliness often connected to divorce. Well, yeah, she is in a crowded, noisy family compound/house and could probably use a little more alone time.
Not sure what the point is here. The opinion piece does not directly suggest a family compound as a solution to problems after divorce, or as a way to avoid marriage.
I would also argue that living in a house with so many family hardly represents the “independence” the writer says that marriage took from her.
I have often thought we could all save some money by having two or three generations living together. For a summer, after I sold my house, my daughter and I lived with my 85 year old mother and it was lovely. In my workijng class town, generations often do live together, or live close together, and maintain that geographic closeness throughout their lives.
My kids are questioning traditional forms of relationships, including marriage. But like many of their generation, I think they are, at times, lonely. Work can be fulfilling to a point. Having kids is economically risky without a partner to share expenses and work.
The example the writer gives of a friend marrying a partner (who seems to be gay) for “convenience” is one some are considering. decoupling romance and marriage, in other words. I recently read an article on the new phenomenon of “lifelong platonic relationships” or “co-parenting,” if you will.
All very interesting, but what does that have to do with compounds? A family compound may be one solution to the economic challenges of parenting alone. So is cooperative living, perhaps, or, yes, “co-parenting.” For those who want a child but not a traditional marriage, perhaps options are opening, and yes, a family compound is one- if the family can afford a house big enough.
Agree that the example she gives of living in an actual, physical compoound composed of extended family is a bit of a misnomer. But, I give her some slack. It’s a metaphor. Incidentally, one of my “jobs” as the footloose single person of the family is to maintain the summer house that has been in the family for two generations.
I didn’t indicate it was a misnomer. Just that she mentions living in a compound and then for the rest of the piece, doesn’t mention it again, and goes on about how marriage takes away independence.
There is a disconnect in the article, in other words.
And living with that many family members does not represent the “independence” she says marriage takes away. Instead it is a different sort of interdependence or even dependence (If for example a family member takes care of her kid and vice versa).
I don’t see how your summer compound relates to very many of us! In fact, After divorce, I cannot afford the kind of house the writer’s family owns, big enough for so many people. My kids sleep on the couch when they visit 
Who wouldn’t want a family compound?
Well, I can’t help that. That was the name of the article; it’s also the name of the subject line.
ETA: My bad. That wasn’t the name of the article. But, for some reason, it’s the part of the article everyone is stuck on. Maybe, we can bracket that piece of it and move on?
The opinion piece is entitled “What does marriage ask us to give up?”
The author describes her living situation - “Since the pandemic began, my daughter and I have been living in what my family jokingly calls “the compound” — a house my mother and I bought together before I was married.” - only for context.
So the idea of “living in a compound” is not the focus.
Reader comments for this article are very thoughtful and many are in support of being in a loving relationship.
One reader wrote:
Despite these facts, there’s a tension that runs through human life between independence and dependency; if we are lucky we will never materially need another person. But most of us will. We become sick, disabled, mentally ill, or any other quite normal frailty emerges - in those moments, single or married, we need reliable and loving relationships. In moments like those the luxuries of independence can become a prison of our own making.
I had read the article prior to the creation of this thread and agree that the title of this thread and the subject of the article do not strongly relate. That being said, however, I would love a discussion on family compounds!
My family moved around a great deal and we usually did not live near extended family. Thus, my siblings are similar to my extended family, scattered all over the country. We now live about 10-15m from my mother, same distance from my grandmother, and my mother and grandmother are about 5m apart. A cousin is about 45m away and the aunt/uncle are about 1h away. This is the closest we’ve ever been to having a “compound” and it is not a compound. But close geographic proximity is wonderful. People are able to take turns visiting my grandmother every week so she gets a visit almost daily. There’s always a core group for birthdays, etc.
A sister and I are likely to be retiring around the same time and we’ve thought of buying adjoining lots or at least buying houses in the same town (we’re currently more than 1000 miles away from each other). My sister’s family, our mother, and my family have been renting vacation homes and staying together every year for about the past 5 years. I don’t think we would all want to be in the same house forever, but the ability to watch a favorite tv show together, or cook a meal together, or just hang out is a great way to build that closeness, and something that the necessity of getting in a car and driving (even if only 5-15m) seems to keep from happening often.
I’ve heard that issues can arise when property rights are intertwined (whether that’s separate houses on the same property or one large house, etc.), but I’d love to hear others’ experiences and ideas as it relates to living close to their families, possibly as a family compound.
In some ways, compound represents communal living for broken families so yes there is some value but it’s not independent, just another form of dependency.
What I don’t get is hatred for dependency, humans need to be interdependent to survive. Marriage is just one form and it works for some, not for others but it has its value, not only for spouses but for children as well.
@AustenNut - I’m with you. It may not be entirely what the article is about, but the topic of “family compounds” is still on the table unless someone changes the subject line!
I would like to hear from posters who came from cultures where communal living is common in form of joint family systems of extended families. Would you prefer that over nuclear family living? Other people can imagine living with their parents or in-laws to put themselves in similar shoes.
Very close family relatives have had a three house family compound (one house for parents & one house for each child & their families) on the coast of Maine for over 25 years now. Used mostly during the summer months. Great for keeping family together in good times & bad. No negatives. The separate houses allow for both privacy & dependence.
My cousins in Europe have a large home that the parents converted into three separate apartments - one for them, and one for each of the two daughters and their spouses. I found it stiflingly close when I visited but that is common place in their town and most people would never dream of moving even a town away, let alone across the country. Certainly makes caregiving easier but zero privacy.
I have a friend who has the same set up for her mom and siblings in their home country. It’s been fraught with problems because one sibling developed a substance abuse problem is causing all kinds of headaches for the rest of the family.
When I was about 9 years old, my grandparents opted to sell their Long Island bungalow and buy a mobile home near us in upstate NY. The home bungalow sold immediately, and the mobile home had a far-out delivery date, which kept getting moved out even further. So they lived with us in the interim.
It might have been the happiest 5 months of my childhood. I’d watch baseball each night with my grandpa in the TV room, next to the guest room (which later. became the 3rd bedroom) in the daylight basement. Also he loved walking with his friendly dog to our bus stop, listening to the news of our day as we walked home. I imagine there were some candy treats after school too.
For my parents, sharing the small 2 bedroom ranch with an extra generation for such a long time probably was stressful.
That’s the way my siblings and I look at it. We would drive each other crazy, if we really had to live that way by necessity. But, for weddings and funerals and occasional big birthdays, it’s been indispensable. My only regret is that we never got a chance to bid on the actual “big house” on the property, my late aunt and uncle’s house. We got the cottage beside it. And, I guess if you zoom out and include all the other family farms in the area belonging to other aunts and uncles, you could say the family compound stretches about ten square miles, almost all of it on the verge of falling into a legal rabbit hole called, “heirs property”. That’s probably the issue that has gotten the biggest attention from the media.
I’m super excited by this thread title. 
Like Colorado_mom and others my grandma lived off/on with my family for many years (from when I was about 12 through my grad school years). At times there were four generations in the house. It wasn’t always super easy but it was very rich in care, mutual concern, and the wonderful opportunity to know my mom’s mother. I watched my dad provide care for his mother-in-law (even though they came from sharply different political persectives!)
A number of my friends/family have built/bought retirement houses in the same town as one spouse’s sibling(s) (and other friends are planning to do that!).
There’s a lot to recommend - the ideal to me is private (and perhaps privately owned) space, but the ability to connect/help when you want or are needed.
I live with my mother and brother. Another brother lives across the street. We find it very convenient. I walk my brother’s dogs almost every day. If someone needs a ride there is almost always someone to do it, someone to shovel or put the trash cans in when you are away, etc.
When we were little, we lived about 45 minutes from my grandparents but went to their home every weekend. We had our cots/beds there, many of our toys, knew the local stores and how to walk to our cousins’ homes. My grandfather lived with us and some other cousins after my grandmother died.
One of H’s buddies lives one door over from each of his kids. All three have their own houses. He goes over for dinner to alternating houses every night and takes the leftovers home for the next day’s lunch. He mows everyone’s lawn. It seems to be working out pretty well for all of them so far.