Thanks so much for all of the support.
3 Likes
One of the crazy things about this and our health insurance systems.
Daughter found a lump, soon after thankfully she was with friends and the wife happens to be an OB/GYN and her husband an oncologist. They told her she had to have it checked out and the OB/GYN scheduled the mammogram and then biopsy.
Daughter was told because she’s so young with no family history, the mammogram wouldn’t be covered as preventative but would be part of her deductible. $700.
The good news is that she went through with the mammogram, she definitely complained to me that it was an expense that she wasn’t expecting. But then her deductible was very soon covered so I guess it’s ok in the end.
There’s more craziness about the fertility treatments she had before her mastectomy, that was very expensive also.
1 Like
My healing thoughts to you and your daughter.
My father, who died from colon cancer, had 8 siblings. One died from lung cancer, one died fairly young from an unknown to me cancer, one had a type of eye cancer, one had thyroid cancer, one had lymphoma. One was killed in WWII and the other two are still alive with no cancer diagnosis that I know of.
Their mother lived to be 98. Their father died of a heart attack in his sixties. All but two of the siblings smoked for many years.
I’ve felt at times that I’m destined to get cancer, but only two (both smokers) of the grandchildren have been diagnosed, again, with different types than any of the other relatives. I’ve been good about getting regular colonoscopies bc that’s what my father had. Other than that, I haven’t been advised by my Drs to get any additional testing other than mammograms. Yet, now I’m thinking, does regular medical paperwork ask for health histories of aunts, uncles, or cousins? I can’t recall that mine ever asked for anything but parental and sibling history.
My children are adopted so I haven’t been concerned with needing information for their sake. But reading this thread and putting all this in writing makes me feel like I should ask my doctor about genetic testing.
3 Likes
I called out insurance company which is a very good employer plan. Very good. BCBS
I was told that genetic counseling for my husband and I would not be covered as preventative (it would be if one of us had cancer) and subject to any deductibles. We’ve already hit our out of pocket maximum.
The genetic counseling questionnaire was about us, our sibling and our parents, their parents and their siblings. My daughter is one generation removed to ask the information I got from my mother in law. She asked about the one sibling of mil that she knew about but my mil didn’t seem to think about other relatives of hers that had cancer. There’s a line asking if you know any other relatives who have had cancer.
I’m sure that my daughter heard all about her cousins dog though. 
1 Like
Were the two non-smokers the ones who have not had cancer diagnoses?
Smoking elevates the risk for many cancers: Smoking and Cancer | Overviews of Diseases/Conditions | Tips From Former Smokers | CDC
If available (often not, however), they may want to know the medical information from their birth parents.
1 Like
One non-smoker was the one with lymphoma. However, he was exposed to second hand smoke for many years, along with me and all the cousins/grandchildren. But none of the non smoking but smoke exposed cousins (only 12, 4 of 9 siblings were childless which is also kind of strange) have had cancer and we are all 55-70+ years old.
My children were adopted from China with no birth parent history unfortunately. We were preferential adopters.
deb922 - hugs to you and your daughter as you navigate this! 
I think the day is coming when a full panel of genetic testing will be done for everyone. I recently found out I have the CHEK2 gene which raises my risk of breast cancer, colon cancer and prostate cancer for men. My first cousin had breast cancer. My dad had prostate cancer and my aunt had colon cancer. I had never heard of this gene before and had no idea that there could be a genetic link between a father with prostate cancer and breast cancer. So now my kids are being tested. It means that anyone with this gene needs more frequent and earlier testing.
If relatives are not forthcoming with information, depending on the state and depending on how long ago it was, many death certificates are searchable on line. I found that my ggrandfather died of cancer that way.
2 Likes
Thank you for the info.
Again, my thoughts for a full recovery are with you and your family.
Best wishes as your daughter undergoes her treatment. So glad to she took steps to get diagnostics done quickly. I’m sure she’s thankful for the great support system she has.
I can relate to the whole secrecy regarding family history. I think our generation is much better about sharing and taking these matters seriously.
1 Like
Best wishes to your whole family on this unexpected path. Don’t make the (verycommon) error of taking the anger at the situation and trying to find a person to put it on. You can “what if we had known” yourself into bad places that way, and your daughter needs everyone to focus on her health – anger at the MiL, however sensible in your mind — is just not helpful right now. Hang in there, and take care of you so you can take care of her.
3 Likes
I can imagine your frustration and anger at your MIL for either ignoring the question, ‘misunderstanding’, or otherwise avoiding talking about generational secrets.
My brother was recently diagnosed with cancer in his 70s & this thread reminded me to send the details to my doctor to ask about screening, thank you.
I can only imagine your frustration at the thought that, had you known, she might have been tested sooner and the cancer caught sooner, before it spread, avoiding the radiation. Of course, there is no way to know that, but that’s how I would likely feel. I can absolutely imagine channeling much of your anger and helplessness that you cannot fix this for your daughter toward your MIL. I am sorry.
I think Blossom is brilliant, as always, to suggest the support group and safe venting space.
@deb922 , what a scary turn of events. You’ve been dealing with a lot lately. Best wishes for your D’s full recovery and permanent remission.
1 Like
Just wanted to mention that we were able to get free genetic testing from two sources so far. My kids got free testing from the state because they both have chronic fatigue and orthostatic intolerance as young kids. It was though a genetic program connected with our department of health.
I am also in the WISDOM study, which is still recruiting, I believe. They did a saliva test for my breast cancer genetic markers at no charge to me. It was interesting and reassuring that they found nothing of concern.
1 Like
Here is the WISDOM study link, it is still recruiting:
The study sounds interesting.
Have any of you participated in the AllOfUs NIH study? I joined, but had not yet decided if I trusted them to hold my personal info private such that I want to send the genetic sample. Is that silly?
Not sure what your MIL is like, @deb922, but I know a number of older women who won’t discuss anything “female.” They just plain won’t talk about anything related to the female anatomy. It seems ridiculous to most of us, but it’s the way that they are. Although it’s not female-related, my kids’ friend had rectal cancer when he was in h.s., and his grandparents wouldn’t even discuss it. Sometimes it’s hard to change the way you’ve been for so many years.
My strongest good vibes are going out to your D. It’s wonderful that it was caught early.
4 Likes
First of all, cyberhugs to your daughter and to her parents. Glad to hear she is in good hands.
Even as late as the seventies, cancer used to be a stigmatized diagnosis. I wonder if that also contributed to your MIL not wanting to discuss family health history.
(This is from NYT archive:
https://www.nytimes.com/1977/05/04/archives/cancer-more-than-a-disease-for-many-a-silent-stigma.html )
While we have not eradicated cancer, there have been some advances made, there are many more treatment options available now, and the “c” word is no longer taboo…
1 Like
Thank you to each and every person who took the time to answer.
I think I needed to talk some things out. Because of stupid covid, I’ve been a bit isolated from my usual friends that I talk to. I needed a safe place to talk about my frustrations and this was my safe place. Thank you for that.
I am so happy to hear that my mil isn’t alone. She’s a very nice person. She lost her mom at 10 and had a horrible stepmother. And then lost her best friend, her sister. It was a lot and I feel much better venting here and not blaming her.
She loves her granddaughter very much and I know that.
Now tomorrow my daughter starts her chemo journey. My sister flew in to take her and help this week. We will fly in for the last infusion. My daughter has her future mil who is taking a turn. People are stepping up, her fiancé is the best. And so very helpful. We are lucky.
33 Likes
Best of luck to your daughter and everyone as she starts chemo. It sounds like she has wonderful support and a great care team.
I am glad you feel a bit better about the MIL thing, but please remember that it’s okay to feel angry with her. Anger can be a useful feeling, and it’s not inherently a “bad” thing. You can be angry with her and also feel a lot of sympathy and wonderful things about her. It is tough to hold those conflicting feelings simultaneously, but that can help you navigate a very difficult time in a healthy way. When I’ve let myself do that, it not only helps me feel better in the moment, I also avoid resentment in the long term. Feel free to feel your feelings.
You can allow yourself to feel angry as you begin to process all this scary information. The anger will dissipate with time, and you will understand your MIL better.
Glad you expressed your frustrations here. Hope the first chemo goes smoothly. I hope you are able to reconnect with your real-life friends to get some much needed hugs soon.
7 Likes