Family problems for essay topic?

I’m only a sophomore so I’m ages away from applying to college but I’m already fretting over the essay. I really want to talk about family issues and how they shaped me into an independent and motivated person. The thing about my family is my father is a narcissist/sociopath. He controls the clothes I wear, the things I do, when I can use the bathroom, when lights are off, and sometimes even kicks me out of the house.

Additionally, I think he is jealous of me because he discourages me from doing homework and keeping up my grades. He tells me constantly that I should quit speech and debate, stop doing science olympiads, won’t let me do summer programs, and once told me “the more A’s you get, the dumber you are to me”. Once, when he saw me doing homework, he ripped up all my homework papers and shattered my phone and computer. Now, I’m really scared to do homework whenever he’s awake and wait for him to fall asleep before tiptoeing to turn on the lights and finish my workload.

Even worse, he’s constantly getting in fights with my mom which sometimes get physical :frowning: My dad does not have a job so either. My mom is scared to file for divorce, because she is scared my dad will put our family in danger. It’s incredibly hard to keep my grades up with a family like this, but at the same time I feel like my family has given me more motivation to push through the pain, and prove to my family and the world that I can be successful.

Do you guys think that this will make a good essay? I really want to write about this so that adcom understands why my grades aren’t as good as other people, and why it’s hard for me to do summer programs. At the same time, I’m scared that I’ll be giving the impression that i’m asking for pity, when lots of families divorce. Also I heard that colleges are wary to accept people with family problems, because they might terrorize the school (I think there’s a link between school shootings and family problems). What do you guys say?

Wow, I’m so sorry about everything that’s going on—I can’t imagine what that would be like… I think that the more personal that you get with the common app essays, the better the admissions readers will be able to understand your way of thinking—something that they value highly. I’d say to go for it (keep in mind that this is my opinion), but make sure that you don’t get to the point where you are painfully uncomfortable writing the essay. Also, don’t worry! You have so much time until applications. If you REALLY want to delve into your apps, what I would do right now is jot some notes down for potential topics and reminisce over them.

Just my opinion but you want to avoid the " woe is me" tone to your essays. The colleges are more interested in what you bring to the table than why your grades are so bad. You could weave a story about how you were able to accomplish so much in spite of this adversity.

My father the sociopath. Don’t do it. An essay like this requires you to interpret your father’s behaviour. Inevitably, admissions will ask, I wonder what else is going on in this household? What is this student not telling me? The topic leads to doubt and casts your family in a negative light. I’m not saying that your father doesn’t have issues in how he relates to you, it’s just that the reader only hears one side of the story, and the story is mostly gloomy. Poor taste.

Obviously, we don’t know have all the facts, but just based on what you wrote, it sounds like you need to find a way not to live with your dad anymore. That aside, you’re too young to be worrying about your essay topic.

Thank you for all of your help!! I think that I probably won’t write about this since it’s too controversial. But roethlisburger you’re right, I think it is too early for me to be thinking about essays–I should probably focus on the SAT, etc. first.

@dottieyu Yes but there are ways you could write about the situation without mentioning details. However, I agree that it is way too soon to be writing your college essay. The good time for this task would be the summer after your Junior Year.

I’m sorry for your situation as well, clearly you know it is not normal and if it’s as you describe, it’s unacceptable. Your mom doesn’t have to file for divorce, she could just leave. Perhaps you have a trusted adult you can discuss it with?

I believe you can write a very inspirational essay about your life without divulging too much. You do not sound like a “woe is me” type person at all. Just the opposite. You sound very strong and brave, full of motivation and ambition to rise above a very difficult situation. What college wouldn’t want a student like you?!?

Perhaps you could write about doing all these things without the support of parents (without getting into specifics)

So much good advice here. I would definitely consider toning down your father’s issues and promote more of how you work to overcome it. At the same time, do not belittle the fact that these things have impacted your life and who you are growing into as you become an adult. There are ways to use some (not all) of this and write a very effective essay. And there are people out there that can help you find just the right way to do that. https://www.facebook.com/essentialessays/
Best of luck to you. Be proud of how strong you seem to be.

Thank you to everyone who replied! I really appreciate all of your advice and support. I really wish my situation were as easy as just leaving, but things are just really out of control and if we leave, we’ll be without a place to live (my dad controls all of our income, even though my mom is the our only breadwinner).

From the replies I think that I’ll probably write a little about family issues but focus more on how they have impacted me in a positive way. I’ll probably think more about this in the future, for now I should really be focusing on AP tests and keeping second semester grades up!!

Please, if the situation continues to the point you feel you will be harmed, talk to your guidance counselor or even social worker at school. There is help available and no need to have to be afraid for the next several years. As a single parent, my daughter and I have faced some difficult times in the last couple of years and she wrote about the situation in her college essay. She was accepted into all of the colleges where she applied. Go with your heart, I feel that is really what they colleges are looking for.

Perhaps print your question and take it to your HS guidance counselor

hey girl, im sorry about your family’s issues. i would try to deal with what is going on before stressing yourself out about college. i would start studying for the sat/act when you are a junior and take it march/may before school ends so you dont have to worry about it. about your topic, i see where you’re coming from, but it is a little upsetting. you may have the child protective services called. i hope you are alright, and please pm me if you need to talk or anything. i am 14 and going into college, so im sure i could answer some of your questions :wink:

Thank you to everyone who replied, I really appreciate it!! My mom did contact child protective services when I was young but they didn’t do much about the situation :frowning: I’ll definitely talk to the guidance counselor too, thanks for the advice.

You NEED to talk to someone about what you are facing in your household rather than worry about your college essay. What you and your mother are facing at home tiptoes on physical abuse, and definitely constitutes emotional abuse. If loving your father and tolerating his actions requires this much pain, you may eventually need to change how you view him.

OP, really sorry about your situation. I agree with people saying that you don’t need to be thinking about college essay yet. Better to focus on improving your situation and on studying for school and SAT/ACT.

But, since you asked, I am going to give you my two cents. I think it’s appropriate for you to talk about your family situation for one simple reason-- it has had a huge effect on your grades. I agree with poster upthread that you do not sound “woe is me” at all but really brave and intelligent. If you do write about it, I suggest that you stick to the facts:

“he told me “the more A’s you get, the dumber you are to me”… he ripped up all my homework papers and shattered my phone and computer. Now, I’m really scared to do homework whenever he’s awake and wait for him to fall asleep before tiptoeing to turn on the lights and finish my workload.”

Stay away from calling him “sociopath”, “narcissistic”, “jealous” etc.

Also don’t go on and on describing his behavior. Even just the quote above is enough to convey your situation. At least 80% of your essay should be about how you’ve overcome. Give examples of the ways you’ve found to make things better or easier for yourself, and how you’ve been able to stay so positive about your future.

Best of luck to you and stay strong and focused.

OP, I hope things have gotten better for you-- at a minimum, that you’ve found someone to talk to. Your guidance counselor should be your first line of defense once school starts.

As far as the essay goes, it’s really too early to start. Admissions counselors will want to read about the person you are as a high school senior, not the you we’re talking to today.

As far as the topic goes: the point behind this essay is to show the reader a different, positive side of you that he might not get from your statistics. It’s to “give them a reason to say yes.”

If I were writing the essay you describe, I think I might too easily slide into self pity, instead of using it to show that I would be a great addition to a campus. The end impression of my essay would probably be either “the dad is a jerk” or “that poor girl”-- neither of which would help get you into college.

So if you decide to use it, be careful.

I will add: I think it might be appropriate to let your guidance counselor know what’s going on. He or she can include it in their letter. That way, any dips in your grades would be explained, without you spending those precious essay words explaining it.

Sorry to hear about your situation. On the whole, I agree that the topic is probably not suitable for an essay. Consider other things about yourself that are valuable and life-enhancing. Your sociopath father is probably already a narcissist and used to making himself the center of attention, at least in your family. Making him and his activities central to your essay continues that pattern for you, though I know he must be huge in your daily life and mental anxiety.

If you feel you must write about it somehow, there’s an excellent site called “The Leadership Council” that has some very balanced and well researched studies into families like yours. You may also want to read a paper by a British social worker called “Sociopathic Fathers, the Charming Killers.” (I may have the title slightly wrong.)

You might write from those about how our courts routinely fail to protect women and children. Let the admissions people read between the lines.

However, it is a mistake to use the essay to reveal things about yourself that may further endanger you or your family physically or emotionally. College admissions officers are not therapists, and if someone calls CPS or another agency in response to your essay, you may be in for a world of pain. Families who report are in greatest danger from the sociopath in the immediate aftermath of seeking protection.

It’s an awful catch-22.

A society that fails to protect its weakest members puts them in serious danger once the situation is reported.