Hi,
I really could not find any other forum to put this in so here goes. So throughout my freshman year and beginning of sophomore I have had MANY problems with my family, arguments that would lead to mom or dad leaving the house for several days, parents making me take classes that are too hard for me, taking care of my brother as well. I don’t know how to explain this to my counselor because she is very mean and not welcoming. I am not using this as an excuse, I am a hard worker but this has affected me. Please give me tips on how to explain this to colleges and tell my counselor this!!
Thanks for responses in advance they would help me so much!!
You are a sophomore, with 2 more years before you apply to colleges. Many colleges don’t rely that heavily on counselor’s statements (state schools, less competitive schools).
Are you trying to get your counselor to place you in lower level classes? If so, propose a different set of courses and explain why you want those. One of your parents will probably have to sign off on the schedule.
I’m so sorry that you’re going through this and I hope you get some clarity and peace with this situation.
I am trying to figure out a way to tell my counselor that I am struggling and this is why my grades are bad. @twoinanddone
I’m sorry you are going through this. It’s not clear to me if your reasons for wanting to discuss this with your counselor are so:
- he/she knows what your situation is so he/she can put context around your academic performance on college apps when the time comes (assuming you feel your academic performance is suffering due to family situation)
- he/she can provide guidance on your schedule and whether it makes sense for you to drop to lower level class
- he/she can provide guidance on how to deal with your overall family situation and the stress it is causing (or perhaps even to help you feel safe if you feel unsafe, it wasn't clear to me if that was the case)
or all of the above.
If you find your counselor unwelcoming and mean, is there another adult in the school (a teacher or coach perhaps) with whom you have a positive relationship that you could share these issues with? This other adult could then help you develop a plan of action for any or all of the above.
Thank for everbodys redpnses
*responses
Perhaps you should talk to someone else in the guidance center and try to get a different counselor. Most often they are assigned by sections of the alphabet but exceptions can be made for students who have problems. It could be that talking to a different counselor will give you and your GC a fresh perspective.
It could be that you do not like the message you are receiving. I somehow doubt your GC is “mean”. I would schedule an appointment to discuss your issues. Tell the scheduler you need some time to go through things so adequate time is given. Tell them what you have told us. Agree with the other posters about suggesting alternative classes to the ones you consider too hard.
Good of you to approach the problems now and stop the downward spiral. You can’t change your parents but you can learn some coping mechanisms. Letting a GC know your situation and asking for ideas on how to not let that stress get to you as much is a good idea. Getting adults from school to help you make plans takes a burden off of you.
Finally- you may not like everything you hear. Remember to develop an internal control over your life without excuses for things. You are in charge of learning the material regardless of your home situation. Placing blame for your performance on outside factors (such as family circumstances) will not solve your problems. Learning how to persevere in spite of problems will make you a successful adult. Adults at school can help you with how to cope.
I agree with wis75.
Yeah, I will try all of your suggestions.
In addition to the suggestions above, you should talk to your parents about seeing a trained family therapist who can help you figure out how to communicate more effectively as a family and better manage your (and their) stress. I realize they are unlikely to be receptive to this since they too would need to see a family therapist to really change the dynamic at home, but at least put it out there for them to think about. At a minimum, know that there are more constructive ways for families to manage problems than to storm off and disappear for days at a time when they are upset or angry and it’s important for you to learn those techniques - if not now than before you have a family of your own.
I’m sorry that you are trapped in this situation for the time being. Take strength from knowing that it is temporary: A few more years seems like a long time at this age, but it will go by fast and you can choose how much or how little interaction you want to have with your parents thereafter and what the ‘rules of engagement’ will be. If someone is consistently inappropriate, you will be able to minimize your contact. In the interim, be kind to your sibling who is probably suffering as much as you are. You can be supports to each other.
I have taught high school kids for almost 30 years. Believe me, there are teachers that will help you. Find one that you like and feel comfortable talking to. That will be a big step and a huge load of your mind once you’re able to really confide in someone.
Good luck!
Trying to get parents to get help- could be adding too much stress and impossible to accomplish. The moniker “inidanguy1” suggests parents are from India. Knowing my Indian H and relatives I wouldn’t count on willingness. The OP needs solutions he can implement without involving his parents for now. Your HS adults are your best bet.
@wiz75 it’s true my parents think they don’t need help
I think you should go talk with the school psychologist at your school. They are usually really good at giving advice and helping kids navigate difficult family situations. Make an appointment or simply see if someone there is available. This is totally separate from the guidence counselor’s office. You’d mentioned that you don’t feel very positive about the guidence counselor but you will find the school psychologist very different. They are usually very student oriented and very empathetic. Generally really easy to talk to. I hope you do this. Good luck.
@indianguy1 I agree with @lostaccount about seeing the school psychologist. But some of the behavior you are describing makes it sound like you are the victim of child abuse. It may be mental, but it’s still abuse.
I think you need to find the courage to be just as assertive as you possibly can. If you can get out of any of these classes, get out now. I’m not one to encourage one to encourage others to shift blame, but I can just see what your parents have done, and any complaint they have you need to say, “It’s your fault because you forced me to do this. Don’t blame me.” They’ve looked at other immigrant parents who have their kids in XYZ classes and decided that you have to be able to do exactly the same, and perhaps you just aren’t able to. You just have to push, push, push, until you get your way. You simply should never, ever, under any circumstance be signed up for a class that you do not want to take. Do not stop. Do not let these people shame you or beat you down. Stand up for yourself and demand to be treated with respect.
My experience with many of these school counselors is that many of them are indeed mean, hateful, and slothful people. I think a reference from Lucifer must be required to get the job. The psychologist ought to be better.
As I mentioned in my first paragraph, some of this behavior sounds like child abuse. If it’s bad enough, you can call Child Protective Services and they will put a stop to it, either by forcing your parents to behave like civilized human beings or by allowing you to live elsewhere.
Reading your post has really bothered me and I wish you well.
Child Protective Services may get involved if the OP talks to anyone in a public school system. Public school officials may err on the side of caution to protect themselves from liability, and also they are mandated reporters of course. Unfortunately this prevents some kids from talking to anyone at school, or anyone at all, in some cases.
@compmom From the description of what is going on, Child Protective Services may need to be involved. Explosive fights with a parent storming out of the house for days because a child is unable to perform exactly as the parents wish is child abuse.
You should take the classes that you are able to handle. Your parents probably push you too hard.
Besides the class level, what are the other things that made your parents left the house for several days? Did you do anything bad? Also why your counselor did not support you? Is she mean to everyone or just you?
Earl I am not questioning the need and did not mean to give that impression. It is just good for the OP to know. I do know that the possibility of Child Protective Services prevents some kids from getting help. If this poster needs that kind of help and intervention then I certainly hope this possible intervention by the state is not a deterrent to getting that help. It is serious business to get CPS involved, but sometimes it is really needed.