Feedback/Critique on my UC Prompt #2 please!

<p>Hi everyone, this is my first draft of my UC Prompt #2 and I do feel like there isn't a clear focus in my essay. After I read it, I felt kind of lost about how to fix everything. At first, my essay is about an experience, but the second part of the essay is more about personal quality and I feel like it doesn't flow that smoothly. However, my experience did contribute to my motivation factor and I feel like it's an important part of myself. Please help!----------------------------></p>

<p>The lights dimmed as I sat back in my seat and tried to imprint the view of the sparkling Hong Kong city lights into my mind. The place where so many memories had been made, in just a month, leaves me feeling quite bitter. In such a short time, it suddenly felt like home because part of my heart had been left there. </p>

<p>In addition, I had also visited Taiwan for a week. The bright night markets in every region were filled with filled with young people and they had my heart thumping with excitement. The different culture and language made me realize that I did not want to leave because it felt so much more exciting than being in a place where nothing ever changed. </p>

<p>On the day I arrived back home, I felt so homesick. The place I finally arrived at, after time away from home, showed a truthful reflection of myself. Every time I looked at my souvenirs and pictures, I had a strong desire to go back. It hit me that in order to be able visit more countries, I needed to do my best in school so I can go to college to gain more knowledge and get a job. I felt a thrill of excitement as I finally found a real goal to work towards. Before I had traveled to both places, I had felt empty without knowing what I really wanted to do. However, I realized that in order to get to places, I needed to improve myself. </p>

<p>Reality is, I did not really want to face the truth. I had only put in minimal amounts of work compared to others. In my mind, I felt like I was doing enough. However, life moves on whether you are successful or unsuccessful. Difficult circumstances constantly arise, and it is important in how you respond to them. Either the person changes or the world changes. If neither change, only the person will suffer more. </p>

<p>Throughout my school life, I had a hard time adapting and sometimes, I just could not adapt at all. Even then, everyone puts on a mask and gives it their best, right? The more people that surrounded me in high school, the more I felt like my color faded as it got mixed and put onto paper. However, I tried, even though I was lacking in many aspects. </p>

<pre><code> I am proud that I have gotten this far in my life. Although I only improved in mind, I feel like I have learned a lot through the amount of work done. The desire to achieve my goal kept me moving, even though it was at a slow pace. Unfortunately, by the time I realized this, my past grades were pretty much set in stone. Alas, I regret that I had not tried hard enough, but I will not let that prevent me from keep moving forward because that is the only way I can still go. As long as I still have the ability to move, I will keep working towards my goal. If I cannot even lift myself up, I will be easily beaten down by anything when trying to reach happiness.
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<p>Could you clarify on what the prompt actually is? To tell you the truth I really can’t tell what you’re trying to say with this essay</p>

<p>The prompt is:
Tell us about a personal quality, talent, accomplishment, contribution or experience that is important to you. What about this quality or accomplishment makes you proud and how does it relate to the person you are?</p>

<p>I think after you talk about how you’re motivated to become better, you should mention what you did to become better and how you became better in the process. Dawdling on past mistakes without any concrete plans doesn’t sound very exciting. Hope that helps.</p>

<p>I know you want feedback for your essay but I just wanted to give you the important reminder that it’s not a good idea to post your essays, whether draft or final copies, on CC, especially before it’s been submitted. You can always run into trouble and you never know who’s going to read it and/or use it. </p>

<p>Thanks!</p>