<p>Ok folks, you would think with this being my second child that I would know all the answers.....but the challenges just keep coming!</p>
<p>Tell me your thoughts on this.</p>
<p>DS is coming home in two weeks for his GF birthday. He has asked if they can stay one night at our house rather than at her dorm (she is at a local school but lives on campus). As in, stay together. The other night he plans on staying at the school with her. What do I say? I am not wildly enthusiastic about this idea (the part where they stay at our house - the part about the dorm I can deal with it isn't so under my jurisdiction). He claims there will be no "activity". Just cuddling. </p>
<p>Issue #2. In a month, DS and his GF both have study break weekends. He wants her to come see him as he cannot come home due to athletics. Fine. He wants her to drive his car to go see him. Supposedly her parents say she cant take one of their cars because its a 3 day weekend. I have said thats ok as long as a) I get the car's brakes fixed and b) I need to hear from her parents that they are ok with it. He thinks I am being totally unreasonable. I think she is trying to pull a fast one and I am being put in the middle of it. I think its a huge concession on my part to let her take the car for a variety of reasons. Its a 2+ hour drive, into a major city. I don't think she has the driving experience that he has. What if something goes wrong? What if she gets in an accident? But....IF her parents say its ok, I am ok with it (once the brakes are fixed). If I don't hear from them, in my mind, then she is trying to do something behind their back and I dont want any part of it. Am I being unreasonable?</p>
<p>On Issue #1: You're going to get a range of reactions to this. There are parents who allow it and parents who don't. IMO, there is no right or wrong answer to this, it depends on your values, what you are comfortable with, etc. </p>
<p>I think it is the parents' right to set the rules in their house, make those rules clear to their kids, and then stick by those rules. So if you don't feel comfortable with them sharing the room, make that a rule.</p>
<p>Just be aware that if you say no to the staying in the same room, they may likely still be in the same room between 1 am and 5 am, when everyone else is asleep and not aware of what's going on.</p>
<p>As for Issue #2: I would feel uncomfortable with anyone other than a family member driving my car.</p>
<p>It's very good of you to be searching for acceptable "middle ground" on this one. I suggest you stop. "Jake (or Bill or Sam or whatever your S's name is), I'm not letting Betty drive a car that even I'm uncomfortable in. There are plenty of other ways for her to get to Cleveland." As for the sleepover at your house "Sure, Betty can sleep in the Family Room. I'll get her one of those air matresses so she'll be comfortable."</p>
<h1>2 Is it his car or your car? If it is your car, again I would say "no"; too much liability to have someone else driving the car that distance. If it is his car, I might not be paying to fix the brakes. I would stay away from the issue of whether her parents know and approve of the activity: that's their business.</h1>
<p>If it's a local school, why can't he stay at your house while she stays in her dorm or at home? They can still spend the whole day together. I'm sorry, but if you are uncomfortable, that's what counts. It's your house.
And, no, I would not give my car to someone who is not a great driver, driving alone into a city she doesn't know.</p>
<h1>1. I am with NewHope. What I would say is
[quote]
"Sure, Betty can sleep in the Family Room. I'll get her one of those air matresses so she'll be comfortable."
[/quote]
and I agree with fireandrain about the time
[quote]
between 1 am and 5 am, when everyone else is asleep
[/quote]
</h1>
<p>mho</p>
<h1>2. I am with archiemom.</h1>
<p>
[quote]
Is it his car or your car? If it is your car, again I would say "no"; too much liability to have someone else driving the car that distance. If it is his car, I might not be paying to fix the brakes. I would stay away from the issue of whether her parents know and approve of the activity: that's their business.
[/quote]
</p>
<p>You might check with your insurance company on what your coverage and liability are, should she end up with the car. But I just wouldn't let a kid's college-age friend, boyfriend, girlfriend, etc., borrow one of our cars for an out-of-town trip. No.</p>
<p>The whole spending the night thing can be a dicey issue and depends entirely on what you have preached over the years and how much you want to promote the relationship. (Obviously, if you have advocated for celibacy/abstinence until married, then letting them snuggle up together in your house may look hypocritical.) If you have younger (minor) kids in the house, I would probably advise against it. However, if you are exercising common sense and "everyone" knows they are having a sexual relationship, then it comes down to what you and your husband feel comfortable with. If you have two extra rooms, then I would giver her a guest room, wink-wink, (or just tell your son he has to sleep on the sofa) and then ignore any visiting that goes on after you turn your lights out and retire to your own room. Think of it like the tooth fairy or Santa: it's okay to engage in a willing suspension of disbelief when necessary. (Anyone else experience the ICK factor when faced with these types of decisions with their kids. I thought this was one of the reasons we sent them AWAY to college?!) Be careful of setting precedents. For example, does this mean next summer (assuming they are still together) that this girl will be having sleep-overs at your house all of the time? Do you want to deal with that? Personally held moral issues aside, it is your house and it is VERY okay to just say no to anything you do not feel comfortable with. You don't have to give your son a reason, just say, "Not this time, honey." </p>
<p>As far as the car goes, since you are the registered owner of the car and the one who holds the insurance policy, you will be held liable should anything happen. That means if the girl drives while intoxicated/ sleep deprived and crashes into anyone, you could be sued for everything you own to settle potential damages not covered by your insurance company. Maybe her parents don't want her to drive because they want her to stay on her own campus and engage with friends there? Or they just think she is a bad driver? Don't want to pay for gas? if your son has a long time relationship with this girl (and I hope he does since he wants sleep-overs at your home), then there is nothing wrong with calling her parents and checking to see what their thoughts are on all of these issues. And, just as before, be wary of precedent setting. Are you going to want to let this girl drive your car often, or whenever she says her parents won't let her use their car? Your intuition seems to be telling you something is up... listen to your gut. One thing I know, once the toothpaste is out of the tube, it cannot be put back in. Once you have the girl openly spending the night and driving your car, it will be hard to pull back at a later date. And, though she may be the girlfriend of your dreams now, that can change with time.</p>
<p>what you had suggested for the driving thing sounded more than reasonable. I would wonder why he doesn't think so and doesn't want you to talk to his parents.</p>
<p>Issue #1 - at least he asked. My d is 2 hrs away and bf stayed home. night before she left she was up late packing. too much socializing to get it done earlier. we needed to leave by 7:00 am. I am up at 6:15 in the hall in my nightie, her bedroom door is open and she is standing there going through stuff. I am talking to her rubbing my eye and spot male sneakers on the floor. ahem - why are those there? then I see his hat. I look at her and she says "Shhhhhhhhhh " - he is sleeping. under the covers in her bed. YUK</p>
<p>Since he asked - as opposed to smuggling her in at 1 am. You will have to do what you feel comfortable. Lay down the law and stick to it. Expect it to be violated between 1 am and 5 am. </p>
<p>Issue #2 - it's your insurance. Perhaps you can do the driving? hehe.</p>
<p>Since I posted, DS has emailed me several times.......and has backed down significantly on last night's (ahem) temper tantrums over my thwarting his every desire and whim. Re the "sleepover" I am indeed worried about setting a precedent. I have already offered the separate room. I have a feeling that issue will go away because I think the GF will end up with the ick factor too. </p>
<p>And regarding the car.....great points re insurance - and ones that I am indeed very concerned about. I am now gently directing him toward the wonderful world of Greyhound - we are talking City to City, no stops, same time.frame, no risk of getting lost (the city that he is in....lets just say that he and I spent a lovely hour on move-in day trying to GET TO THE FREAKING CAMPUS OH NO ANOTHER ONE WAY OH NO ANOTHER DETOUR.....).....I think its going to end up being the best solution short of her taking a family car or her having a family member drive her. I think he is seeing the light. </p>
<p>Thanks all - sometimes it helps to get feedback from others - and you have reinforced my feelings on both of these "issues"!</p>
<p>On the car, no way any one else drives our family owned cars in general, the liability is too much. DDs BF of many years has driven our cars in many circumstances, but he is some one we have known for many years and known him well as an adult and we do trust him. We are not at all casual in letting any one drive our cars, too much risk, and if they cause minor damage you probably will end up absorbing that :(</p>
<p>On the sleepover, my DH and I used to stay over at each other's families homes in college, in separate rooms. I have done the same with my kids, when there is a good reason and when I feel there is a proper level of respect for values.</p>
<p>One DD had a BF whose parent's really gave in on everything, DD could never stay over there, I made a big deal of it, but this kid got everything he wanted in life, and he was not getting my DD :eek:</p>
<p>Other kids have slept over, in different rooms, and it has worked, though if she is living nearby, I am not sure why she needs to stay over, why not just go back to her dorm at the end of the night? And no, no one is put in a room to share with an unmarried partner; all our Ds know this and they really don't fight it, they know it is our house and our rules.</p>
<p>In general I do not run around seeing who is where i the middle of the night, but we do tend to be up late and up early, so there is not a lot of opportunity :D</p>
<p>I have posted a few times on other threads where someone I knew got into a lot of trouble by letting his brother drive his car. I let my kids drive our cars because I have no choice, but no one else outside of my immediate family is allowed to drive our cars. I would rather rent a car for them.</p>
<p>
[quote]
One DD had a BF whose parent's really gave in on everything, DD could never stay over there, I made a big deal of it, but this kid got everything he wanted in life, and he was not getting my DD
[/quote]
LOL!!! Agree with many other posters. Our kids know (a) we, their parents, are not stupid and know what can go on at college, (b) we, their parents, set the rules for this house, and (c) that there may be several instances where (a) & (b) do not intersect!</p>
<p>As for the car, no way, no how. I wouldn't want the responsibility and worry that go along with having someone else (especially a somewhat inexperienced driver) drive my car</p>
<p>I agree with somemom as well. My 25 yr old daughter comes to visit with her BF and they are in separate quarters. They both feel comfortable with the arrangement and wouldn't have it any other way. In fact, they would feel uncomfortable in the same room under our roof, it is just disrespectful. We have had a short discussion on the subject. It works in our home.</p>
<p>My in-laws did the same thing for their S and I in college and we NEVER did any maneuvering around the house.</p>
<p>However, I have woken up to some of my S's female friends fast asleep in the basement. He was tucked away in his little bed, upstairs. Communication and respect are the key.</p>
<p>Thanks again, all. Sometimes as a single mom.....you need a little reinforcement. After DS went off on me about how unfair, unreasonable, hypocritical, ridiculous, etc. that I was, I needed some grown up reinforcement!</p>
<p>With respect to the sleepover, DS will no doubt be unhappy that I have not revised my original position....which was actually to LAUGH and say you have GOT to be kidding. This girl LIVES 5 minutes from here. Seriously? SERIOUSLY? So....he is welcome to go stay at her campus room but with respect to staying here, my position remains the same. My house my rules so sorry too bad next. If you want to be with her, it won't be here.</p>
<p>And the car thing.....I just felt like it was asking an awful lot......and if her parents won't let her take one of their cars, its pretty obvious to me that they would not be in support of her taking DS car. Thus - she would be doing it outside of their knowledge, and that simply is not going to happen. I am not "that mom" that will go behind other parent's backs. Not to mention the fact that I am very uncomfortable with the whole idea.....and the insurance aspects.......I am pushing the Greyhound idea hard. Or she can get one of her sibs to drive her. Regardless, it won't be in his car.</p>
<p>Toledo- I think kitkat makes a valid point, esp for a single mom who does not have Dad to bounce things off- you can start to subconsciously be manipulated by the kids, it is a safe back stop to verify your gut instinct is true. I know when my husband was working out of the area for a long stretches, I would call him and make sure I was not as crazy as the kids thought I was ;)</p>
<p>By the same token, just because a rule made sense in the past does not mean it won't change as kids age, so it is good to hear a range of answers from others. </p>
<p>To be honest, OP, I think you had a pretty conservative set of answers to your sleep over question, many a time I have seen far more "open-minded" answers here where many people seem to comfortably allow shared beds.</p>
<p>I missed the part about your being a single mom, and that might mean that your kids know just how to put extra pressure on to get to you, JMO. Go with your gut, your rules, and your sensibilities. You seem to be doing a better job than I could ever imagine myself doing if I were a single mom! Good for you!!!</p>