Please give me feedback on the following essay for the common app, all suggestion are welcome,
Prompt: Some students have a background, identity, interest, or talent that is so meaningful they believe their application would be incomplete without it. If this sounds like you, then please share your story.
When I was 10 years old, My parents decided to transfer me to a boarding school in the middle of a forest, with the nearest village a half-hour away. I was skeptical of this decision, and my chances of survival in such a boarding school, where using of Social Networks(Facebook, Twitter), and possession of intelligent electronic devices(anything from a mp3 to a Laptop) would lead to expulsion. Looking back, this is the most singular experience that defines who I am and is also in many ways the best thing to ever happen to me.
Living in this boarding school has taught me the true value of friendship, and made me a good judge of human nature. The rooms in the boys hostel where divided on the basis of class(or standard) with ALL people of a particular class living in a big, narrow hall like setting. So being with the same people in class, in activities, at night developed a unique sense of comradeship. This experience of living like this has taught me the art of negotiation and developed in me a deep understanding how and why people behave the way they do. For example, While on an inter-school MUN competition I was able to generate military support for myself as People’s Republic of China, from the whole of the committee against Germany, even leading people who were part NATO(US, UK, France) to defy their foreign policies, and abandon their ally.
It has made me more humble and charitable. The school allows children of the staff to study for free, I have a close friend who was in my class via this route. His family had considerably less money, but never even for a single moment in the 5 years he spent in the school with me, was he made to feel embarrassed or left out. This respectful attitude, of even the most uncouth students, has entwined in me a deep set of belief that money, although important, sometimes matters the least. It is true happiness and excellence that we must strive for, and that is why I try to donate whatever I can to Charity, for example, I gave away all my birthday money to treat the poor children who live around my father’s offices.
Although I do my best work when working alone, or in a small intimate group, I understand the value of taking initiative and leadership. I identify myself as an introvert, but in a world that cannot stop talking, leadership and taking the first step are often the pathways to getting what you want. For example, I am a huge fan of soccer, and so during the FIFA world cup last year I, along with most of the senior class wanted to watch the world cup finals. Even though a couple of those who wanted to watch the final were Prefects(or house leaders), I was the one who went up, and convinced the school’s Head Teacher, and subsequently, the head administrator, to allow us to watch the finals. In a place where Saturday night movies are not allowed to run past 12 PM the whole school was allowed to watch a match that started at 1 AM.
Living in this school has taught me that everyone can be average at everything, but true value lies in people who are excellent at what they love. For me this love is reading, I regularly read around a 100 books a year. Whenever I have to make an important decision I drop everything and read, It is like meditation to me, it calms me down, clears my head and makes me focus on what is important.
I am now 4 months out of the school, and I believe that I am a much better than in more ways than I can imagine, and this unique ‘boarding school experience’ is the most defining experience to have happened to me.
//essay ends
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Target schools:
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Penn State University
Rutgers University-New Brunswick()
University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign()
University of Maryland, College Park()
University of Wisconsin - Madison()
Purdue University-Main Campus(Con.)
Boston University
Georgia Institute of Technology-Main Campus
University of Colorado at Boulder
University of Massachusetts Amherst
University of Michigan - Ann Arbor