Feedback on my UC Personal Statement please?

[anayar2]

<p>Hey guys,</p>

<p>Just wondering if anyone might be willing to provide some feedback on UC personal statement essay? Any help is appreciated!</p>

<p>Thanks!!</p>

<p>Essay:
Describe the world you come from and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>

<p>The two vehicles sped toward the finish line, neck and neck, headlight to headlight. The dusty red rally car fought hard, engine straining, to overtake the beat-up dune buggy. They flew by cliffs, narrowly missing jagged, rocky outcroppings. They braved sharp bends, bounded by thousand foot falls. They raced through the wreckage of their competitors. It wasn’t until the finish line was in sight that disaster struck. The car grazed the side of the mesa, lost control and spiraled over the edge of the cliff, ending in a fiery demise. Triumphant, the dune buggy crossed the finish line, the driver pumping his fist in victory. Words and images appeared on the screen. I fell in love.</p>

<p>A lot of people have said a lot of things about love, but one thing is undeniably true- love consumes you. Especially if you happen to be a twelve year old boy on his summer holidays. It was then, during the summer of 2008, that I was introduced to the world of computer graphics. Sitting in my basement playing my prized PlayStation 3, I was enamored by the visuals that games brought to life. Sparks from metal striking metal. Trails from bullets leaving barrels. The sound of engines revving, wheels digging up the dirt. It was amazing to me that these wonders could simply appear by popping a disc into the machine. The longer I played, the more my curiosity grew. How do those characters move so fluidly? How is that explosion created? How in the world does the sun look so majestically real? </p>

<p>Fortunately for me, we live in a world where knowledge is just keystrokes away. I searched all summer long, attempting to quench my insatiable thirst for information. As a matter of fact, if Google were a paid service, I am certain I would still be paying off the bill. Unfortunately, after all this searching a harsh realization soon hit me square in the face; the answers were actually complicated! What today I know are the simplest of explanations struck me then as complete technical jargon, nonsense. It never ceases to amaze me how much I have learnt by entering this strange world of NURBS surfaces, specular maps and key frame animation. As a passion I pursued outside of school, outside of any other extracurricular activity, digital graphics became an outlet for my creativity. When I am designing, be it in three dimensions or two, calm washes over me and there is clarity to my actions. It is this same clarity that I strive for in both my studies and sports. However this clarity was not, at first, easily achieved. First I had to work at understanding exactly what my twelve year old self was so curious to find out. </p>

<p>For example, to figure out how to make characters move fluidly I had to read, watch and learn my way into the concept of digital bones, and creating a skeletal structure for 3D characters. This self-learning, above teaching the subject matter at hand, instilled in me patience and value for trial and error. “Learn by doing” was the tagline for one of the websites I frequented and it became my personal mantra. Beyond anything else, however, the world of graphics design has gifted me an appreciation for creativity and with it, humility. The further I delve into the world of design, the more I realized just how little I know. I understand now that it is not a comparison with anyone else, but that I should always strive to be better than myself. This attitude has stayed with me. I am not one to show off my achievements or accomplishments, but it is as though others can see them anyhow. During my sophomore year I was approached by The Game Creators Ltd., a British creator of video game design software, to design their anniversary model pack (a package consisting of over sixty 3D models and textures). From here, of course, one thing led to another and soon I found myself an actual, full-blown freelancer. Working with individuals from China to Chile, graphics design has opened innumerable doors and opportunities. But above all, the most important thing this world has given me is confidence. Confidence in myself. Confidence in my actions. Confidence in my abilities. I know now that no matter what the future holds, I can to do anything I set my mind to. </p>

<p>I sometimes wonder what I would have done had I known what a profound effect sitting on the couch playing video games one summer night in ‘08 would have on my life. Whatever it may be, I know one thing- I’m glad I kept playing.</p>

<hr>

<p>Word count: 778
Is this too much for the first part of the personal statement? It leaves me less than 250 words for the second prompt.</p>

<p>Once again thank you to one and all!</p>

<p>Regards.</p>

[eruditefire]

<p>

@anayar2

Hey guys,</p>

<p>Just wondering if anyone might be willing to provide some feedback on UC personal statement essay? Any help is appreciated!</p>

<p>Thanks!!</p>

<p>Essay:
Describe the world you come from and tell us how your world has shaped your dreams and aspirations.</p>

<p>The two vehicles sped toward the finish line, neck and neck, headlight to headlight. The dusty red rally car fought hard, engine straining, to overtake the beat-up dune buggy. They flew by cliffs, narrowly missing jagged, rocky outcroppings. They braved sharp bends, bounded by thousand foot falls. They raced through the wreckage of their competitors. It wasn’t until the finish line was in sight that disaster struck. The car grazed the side of the mesa, lost control and spiraled over the edge of the cliff, ending in a fiery demise. Triumphant, the dune buggy crossed the finish line, the driver pumping his fist in victory. Words and images appeared on the screen. I fell in love.</p>

<p>A lot of people have said a lot of things about love, but one thing is undeniably true- love consumes you. Especially if you happen to be a twelve year old boy on his summer holidays. It was then, during the summer of 2008, that I was introduced to the world of computer graphics. Sitting in my basement playing my prized PlayStation 3, I was enamored by the visuals that games brought to life. Sparks from metal striking metal. Trails from bullets leaving barrels. The sound of engines revving, wheels digging up the dirt. It was amazing to me that these wonders could simply appear by popping a disc into the machine. The longer I played, the more my curiosity grew. How do those characters move so fluidly? How is that explosion created? How in the world does the sun look so majestically real? </p>

<p>Fortunately for me, we live in a world where knowledge is just keystrokes away. I searched all summer long, attempting to quench my insatiable thirst for information. As a matter of fact, if Google were a paid service, I am certain I would still be paying off the bill. Unfortunately, after all this searching a harsh realization soon hit me square in the face; the answers were actually complicated! What today I know are the simplest of explanations struck me then as complete technical jargon, nonsense. It never ceases to amaze me how much I have learnt by entering this strange world of NURBS surfaces, specular maps and key frame animation. As a passion I pursued outside of school, outside of any other extracurricular activity, digital graphics became an outlet for my creativity. When I am designing, be it in three dimensions or two, calm washes over me and there is clarity to my actions. It is this same clarity that I strive for in both my studies and sports. However this clarity was not, at first, easily achieved. First I had to work at understanding exactly what my twelve year old self was so curious to find out. </p>

<p>For example, to figure out how to make characters move fluidly I had to read, watch and learn my way into the concept of digital bones, and creating a skeletal structure for 3D characters. This self-learning, above teaching the subject matter at hand, instilled in me patience and value for trial and error. “Learn by doing” was the tagline for one of the websites I frequented and it became my personal mantra. Beyond anything else, however, the world of graphics design has gifted me an appreciation for creativity and with it, humility. The further I delve into the world of design, the more I realized just how little I know. I understand now that it is not a comparison with anyone else, but that I should always strive to be better than myself. This attitude has stayed with me. I am not one to show off my achievements or accomplishments, but it is as though others can see them anyhow. During my sophomore year I was approached by The Game Creators Ltd., a British creator of video game design software, to design their anniversary model pack (a package consisting of over sixty 3D models and textures). From here, of course, one thing led to another and soon I found myself an actual, full-blown freelancer. Working with individuals from China to Chile, graphics design has opened innumerable doors and opportunities. But above all, the most important thing this world has given me is confidence. Confidence in myself. Confidence in my actions. Confidence in my abilities. I know now that no matter what the future holds, I can to do anything I set my mind to. </p>

<p>I sometimes wonder what I would have done had I known what a profound effect sitting on the couch playing video games one summer night in ‘08 would have on my life. Whatever it may be, I know one thing- I’m glad I kept playing.</p>

<hr>

<p>Word count: 778
Is this too much for the first part of the personal statement? It leaves me less than 250 words for the second prompt.</p>

<p>Once again thank you to one and all!</p>

<p>Regards.

</p>

<p>Personally I didn’t like it. In the first paragraph you spent TOO much time describing the scene. It can be summed up into" the car fell of the cliff, and the other car won."
Sounds too flowery, half the time I have no idea what you are saying." A lot of people have said a lot of things about love, but one thing is undeniably true- love consumes you. What does this mean? " and what people say that?" How is this relevant?
“What today I know are the simplest of explanations struck me then as complete technical jargon, nonsense.” What does this mean? </p>

<p>Don’t ask questions in the statement “How is that explosion created? How in the world does the sun look so majestically real?”- Common mistake to avoid, said so on the UC paper.</p>

<p>“I am not one to show off my achievements or accomplishments, but it is as though others can see them anyhow. " How?
You are” telling" rather than showing.
And I still don’t know what your personality is.
Talk about how the world has affected you instead of describing it.
This is the real question the prompt is asking: What will you become and how has your world help shaped you to become that?
Answer that instead.
This is too" complex". You do not need to.sound like a thesaurus.<br>
Sound like YOURSELF.</p>

[waakemeup]

<p>Your shortest prompt has to be at least 250 words.</p>

[anayar2]

<p>Hey thanks for the feedback guys! I will rework the essay and post it here tomorrow or the day after, hope you will still be around!</p>

<p>There was something I myself found to be a little confusing about the essay so I shall put some more thought into it and really try to bring out my own voice. Just as a note I didnt really use a thesaurus at all while writing this so its just language that I normally use.</p>

<p>Regards.</p>

[anayar2]

<p>Also;</p>

<p>“This is the real question the prompt is asking: What will you become and how has your world help shaped you to become that?”</p>

<p>This really helped me. I had been stumped on the UC essay and what they were asking as it was so broad but this helps. Thanks eruditefire</p>

[thehomiealan]

<p>Seems a bit long. Try shortening while not losing depth or message.</p>

[Shirleyxxy]

<p>I think your idea is great, but many parts can be shortened, like the first paragraph. Now the essay is too long and redundant, but it does have depth.
Good Luck!</p>

[anayar2]

<p>Would anyone be willing to read my new draft if I mailed it to them? I’m new so I cant PM anyone unfortunately.</p>

<p>Thanks for all the feedback guys, REALLY helped!</p>

<p>Cheers.</p>

[bomerr]

<p>you need 15 posts to pm. I’d read it.</p>