Feedback on waitlisted email?

Applying to College
1

So I unfortunately got waitlisted to my dream school. Although it’s disappointing I’m going to try and do everything I can to get off it. I had two questions I was hoping everyone can help me with. One, who should I send this email to, Vice Provost of Admissions and Financial Aid, or the Director of Admissions? Also, if anyone is willing to read it I would love feedback on the email I drafted to send them to show my interest and why I am a good candidate.

Here is the email:

Admissions Director,

My name is Name. I applied to School as a transfer student and received my decision to be put on the waitlist. I would like to sincerely say thank you to yourself and the rest of the admissions committee for taking time to review my application among the thousands of others that were received and offering me a spot on the waitlist. School is still my dream school, and if I am accepted off the waitlist, I would happily attend.

Since applying to School I have made substantial progress in regards to furthering my education, and volunteering with my current school to gain more skills for my future career. Recently I joined the business club and was in charge of marketing for our annual mocktail networking dinner event with local businesspeople. It was my responsibility to develop the flyers and business cards for students, and I ran the tables around campus to bring awareness and encourage students to sign up. Along with organizing events I worked extremely hard to raise my GPA to make myself more competitive to show I am prepared for the challenging courses School has to offer.

School has continuously demonstrated why they are one of the top international schools, and I am amazed with the opportunities that come with a degree from School. If you would accept it I will happily send another letter of recommendation, and my updated transcript to show how far I have come. Once again I would like to thank you and the rest of the admissions council for reviewing my application, and I will eagerly matriculate if offered a position.

Sincerely,
Name

2

Its good but a little wordy and not specific enough about them.

Send whatever you want within reason, do not ask for permission, see my comment below

Is it an admissions council or committee, be consistent.

Where the letter is sent depends on instructions, some schools want everything in the portal, for most I would address it to your regional representative which you should find online.

This is just a rough draft, read through it, it may have mistakes. the capitals are just to get your attention.

If anyone else disagrees, feel free to make changes.

Dear Mr.(Ms. Dr.) ___________:

My name is * full Name* I am a transfer applicant from CURRENT SCHOOL Class of 2018/9? Common App ID# (you can put this is in the reference line instead]. I would like to thank the admissions committee for taking the time to review my application and offering me a spot on your waitlist. School is still my dream school, and if I am accepted, I will happily attend.

Since applying to School I have made substantial progress to gain the skills needed for my future career in business. I joined the business club [does it have a name?] at my Current School and was in charge of marketing for our annual mocktail networking dinner event with local business people. It was my responsibility to develop the flyers and business cards for students, and staff the tables around campus to raise awareness and encourage students to sign up. If accepted I look forward to joining the _______________ club at school where I can continue to volunteer and contribute to the club’s marketing (or something like that, you need to show what you can do for them).

In addition, this semester I earned a __________ GPA while taking a variety of challenging courses related to my intended business major [NAME? of major]. A copy of my transcript and an additional letter of recommendation from ______ is attached for your reference.

School has continuously demonstrated why (WHY is there a one line reason you can put here that shows what impresses you?)
they are one of the top international schools, and I am amazed with the opportunities that come with an EDUCATION from School. Once again I would like to thank you and the rest of the admissions committee, and I will eagerly matriculate if offered a position.

Sincerely,
Name