Hi all, I’m currently a freshman in college. I really like the campus, the beautiful facilities, the rigor of the classes, and the professors but sometimes I just feel very lonely and like I do not belong here. I did not do any pre-orientation program so I could not move in early and make a strong group of friends. I did manage to meet a group of friends who I am kind of close with and get along with but I still feel like I haven’t met “my people” yet. It’s fine on week days when I have my classes to keep me busy so I don’t have too much time to hang out with anyone but on the weekends I feel a little lonely. Sometimes I don’t have anyone to go to the dining hall with or people who want to go out and explore. It also seems a little too late to find another group because everyone already found their friend circles (I’ve tried classes, clubs, study groups- nothing seems to click). Social media doesn’t make me feel any better either because it always looks like people are going out and having fun with people they’re close with. My roommate turned out to be different from when we met online too. She doesn’t like to hang out and sleeps very early on weekends (8:30)
This is not to say that I’m only focusing on my social life and don’t study. I put a lot of time into my work but I just wish I have a group of like-minded friends who I can count on to hang out with just like other people. I’m worried that this feeling of loneliness won’t go away and that I won’t enjoy my time in college. Also, sorry if this is an overdone topic on CC. Any advice or help is appreciated! Thank you in advance.
What you are describing is very common. Since we are right now very close to the beginning of the school year, this is probably the time when many university freshmen feel very much like you do. Many transfer students and some other upper class students might feel the same way.
It takes some time to find friends, and to find people like you. There are things that you can do to help to make it more likely for this to improve more quickly, but it will take some time.
One thing to do is to participate in clubs and activities. It sounds like you are already doing some of this. Keep at it.
Another thing that you should probably do is to talk to people at the counseling center at your university. They are there specifically to help students, and to help you find your niche at the university. They would be happy to chat with you.
One thing that I didn’t pick up on until much later in life (but I will tell you now): When you go to lunch or dinner, there will be other students who are in the same situation as you. They will be sitting alone at meals also. Just sit down next to one of them and chat. Some will be nice. A few might be annoyed. Remember both of these groups and next time only sit next to the nice ones (or still other people you don’t know).
No one finds their close friends in three or four weeks (or however long your university has been in session). Many people act as if they have, but this is partly just sort of show and not quite real.
The only thing I will add is to consider getting a part time job on the weekends. It will give you something to do other than study and often work associates become friends.
Hang in there. Things will get better. Keep trying.
Weekend loneliness can be overcome through a regular exercise program such as weightlifting & running which can be done alone or with others, a part time job (as suggested above), spending time in the library or in the local community (volunteering or shopping), or learning to play a musical instrument.
Dining alone can be very enjoyable if you take something to read. The Wall Street Journal , The New York Times, Atlantic Magazine offer great articles & give you topics for discussion with others.
I’ll bet a good number of people you see hanging out with their groups of friends are inwardly starting to feel bored, restless, and/or frustrated with the people they’re with, and are looking around for “who’s next”.
That’s because new freshman tend to try to bond with people immediately in those first days to not feel (and appear) left out. It’s an exciting but anxious and self-conscious time for almost everyone. No one’s sure what to do, but no one wants to look that way on the outside. Those new friend groups are often based on convenience or superficial things at first. Sometimes they stick, but often not. Soon, many of these friend groups that seem so strong will begin to dissolve and shift. People will start trying to make new friends with those who share common interests and values. They start noticing more subtle personality traits of people around them that weren’t apparent at first. So don’t despair!
Don’t just join a bunch of clubs that have meetings but little substance, but do participate deeply in one or a few things you truly like, are good at, and/or want to learn to do. Make sure that you get some good physical activity every day to keep your spirits up (and it’s also a great way to meet people… at the gym, pool or running track). Outdoor/hiking groups can be great for making friends if you’re up for that and beautiful fall weather is on our doorstep.
You’re doing fine. This is normal! Keep us posted, but I think you’ll start feeling much better in a few weeks.
Don’t give up! Keep putting yourself out there. Do ask to join other people who are sitting alone in the dining hall. Strike up a conversation with the only other person in the laundry room, the person on the treadmill beside you in the gym. Try a church, take up a hobby. Just keep trying to smile and be friendly. It will happen. Really valuable relationships take time. Trust me, you want really valuable relationships.
@asdzx1 Are you into sports? If so, see if there are any open admission club sports you can join. That would give you an instant “family.” My D did this (not just to make friends though, but because she missed competitive sports). Her school has a good number of club sports that anyone can join. It took her a semester to learn the new sport. But in addition, she also became a part of a tight knit group of girls. They have a great time on the many away games, and outside of games and practices, they enjoyed spending time together — regular themed parties and game nights, meals, hanging out, and volunteering.
Also consider joining a co-ed professional or community service fraternity. Those tend to be very tight knit groups as well. Keep trying various clubs until you find one or two you like and click with the students. Building friendships take time. Don’t give up just because you don’t make friends instantly.
I’m in the same situation so it’s nice to know I’m not alone! I have a few friends, joined clubs, etc but I end up spending way more time by myself than my peers. I don’t have great advice but here’s how I’ve been getting by
Studying in the common room - just by doing this I’ve ended up studying with other people on the floor which has led to occasionally grabbing dinner or watching TV in someone’s room afterward
Try and find a club that has a lot of social events so you can keep yourself busy on weekends
Say hi and strike up random conversations when you can - especially with the same people. At least this way you can make acquaintances that could potentially turn into friendships later (I’m still waiting on the friendship part though)
Good luck and if you figure it out please let me know how the heck you did!
It sounds too simple, but if the people don’t come to you, you need to go to the people. Put yourself in situations where others congregate. The majority of any group might not appeal to you, but over time, you find yours.
First month of college is way too soon to expect this all to be sorted out. Unlike hs, it’s a new group of people, the bulk of them with no shared history.
Be around people, engage…and there’s a funy thing that happens where they think you’re part of their group, have always been. That’s not being annoying or butting in. It’s just being there and participating. Wear a smile.
…actually sometimes not until the spring. But it does happen.
OP, I almost didn’t come read your post, b/c as you have guessed, there are quite a few students who post with this issue every autumn. But this is really one of the great parts of CC: we can be your ‘village’, backing you up when you need it. We love your bright hopeful courage as you jump into a whole new world, and we are cheering for you.
You may wonder how we are all so sure about this- maybe it’s different for you? And it is true, occasionally, that a student does stick the landing the first time.
But, you have all the pieces right- you are just impatient to get to the part where you feel at home. And that takes time.
It takes shared experiences- good and bad- to make a real friendship. So, keep putting yourself out there. Study groups are a great way to get to know people- you study for a quiz together and work out whether this is somebody you want to study with for a final. You work on a joint project- building a set, producing a radio show. You find people whose needs are greater than yours, and you work to help them.
And when you do suddenly realize how much you have settled in (often after a break), come back & tell us. Because we really are rooting for you
