Fellow parents! I truly need some advice!

Parents Forum
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<p>Apologizing for the long post in advance. Just need to get this all out.</p>

<p>I have a wonderful only daughter, who up until a few years ago was a motivated student (straight A's, not even "A-"s were good enough for her). But for the past few years or so I've definitely noticed a change in her attitude towards school and life in general. She goes to a competitive college (UC Berkeley) and I thought she would excel in college since she seemed so excited about it, but it's been the complete opposite. This "change" in her alarmed me so much (not caring about her grades, having problems with friends, and being generally moody and apathetic), but I was powerless to help, especially 400 miles away. This all culminated in a dramatic first year where we finally, after countless doctor visits, psychologists, therapists and any other specialist you can name, found out she had bipolar disorder. It was a shocking thing discovering she had been suffering with manic episodes, cutting, and bouts of depression for YEARS. The stress of moving away from home definitely heightened her symptoms, though looking back now, I can see how I could have missed her suffering at home (anger for no reason, picking fights with me and her dad, not wanting to socialize with her friends-- though I attributed this to normal teenage angst since generally, she seemed happy).</p>

<p>Once we had a diagnosis, we started to look for a solution. I figured, okay, this is good-- we at least know what we're facing. We'll just provide her with all the love and support she needs along with a weekly visit to a psychologist and a psychiatrist (who prescribed her a "starter antidepressant" and a "mood stabilizer" for her manic moments). Almost immediately, we noticed a change in her for the better-- she FINALLY began to take college seriously and was starting to make up for her mediocre first year. But this is where it all went downhill and the purpose for why I'm writing this long post today. That summer after her freshmen year, one of her closest childhood friends (who was planning on joining her at UC Berkeley that same fall) died in a sudden car accident. I don't think I even have to describe to you the devastation faced that summer and fall. Needless to say, what little improvement we saw in her immediately left, despite an increase in her visits to the psychologist and an increase in the dose of her medication. Once again, it was like she was dead to the world. That entire fall I was on my toes, just waiting for a breakdown but THANK GOD it didn't come. Fall passed with another mediocre semester (which I was so thankful for!) and in the Spring, her spirits seemed a bit more up (she moved into an apartment with friends and she was enjoying the classes she was taking which thrilled me beyond words!). FINALLY, I thought, we are getting a break!! She's healthy and happy and improving! But once again, we were struck down. She began losing weight and had other health related issues, which her psychiatrist told me was a possible sideeffect of the medicine. But after a while, her symptoms didn't improve and we took her to a doctor who gave us an unexpected diagosis (though not lifethreatening, it was a deeply traumatizing diagnosis, especially for a 19 year old girl). Her entire Spring semester she would fly home (to LA) twice a week to go to a specialist. These past two years have been a whirlwind-- we've never faced so many crazy experiences in such a concentrated amount of time. </p>

<p>Lately, I had a serious discussion with her about life in general and her answers honestly disheartened me. She told me she seems worthless-- she feels like she is "an insane person" who is "damaged" and "not intelligent enough." No matter how much we told her what is happening in her life right now, is not her fault whatsoever and she has been SO INCREDIBLY STRONG these past years and has encountered more terrible things in these last two years than I have for most of my life-- she won't believe us. I can't reach out to her and tell her that it is NOT the end of the world-- to NOT lose heart now! She was planning on becoming a doctor, something she was INCREDIBLY passionate about, but now she's dropped that idea. She told me "How am I supposed to help people, when I'm stupid and worthless?" I was so shocked!!! How could she feel this way about herself??? And this was her life's DREAM! In high school, she took anatomy courses at a local junior college JUST FOR FUN. That is how passionate she felt about becoming a doctor. I'm so afraid that she has given up on life. I don't want her dwindling away thinking it's pointless to fight for her dreams and a good future. But I do not know how to approach this anymore. Her psychologist suggested a "life coaching program" where we bring her morale up much like you would do a small child-- praising her for "C's" in classes, telling her how proud we are of her for the smallest things-- which I do everyday anyway. But so far, this has only made her strive for average. I want her to see that to get where she wants to go, she has to FIGHT for it-- fight for better grades, a better life. I want her to see that she is still so young and has so many years ahead of her and two years of bad luck don't equate to a lifetime of unhappiness. </p>

<p>This is where I ask you parents for some insight. Should I have her take a medical withdrawl from classes for a semester and have her come home? I'm afraid that being alone in a big city for the first time and especially being around highly competitive students, is making her feel worthless. The enigma is, of course, that bringing her home is the easy way out. I'm afraid that it is giving her the message that when life gets tough, you should walk away from it. Her father thinks she should stay in school. As a mother I want her home, but I have to take a step back and see what will be best for her in the long run. What do you say parents? What is the right thing to do? We're in way over our heads here!</p>

<p>(PS. Her psychologist recommended her staying in school. Thank you so much in advance!)</p>

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<p>My advice, as a mother, is to take her out of the school. I would have her finish in a small college, one where there is lots of personal attention, and one that is close to home if that is a possibility. JMHO. I would want her to feel like a big fish in a little sea. She may need time to gain her confidence back before attending a new school. I know someone that had to live with his uncle for a year after he failed classes freshman year. He has a reading disability. He felt like a complete failure, and his uncle encouraged him to try again elsewhere. He graduated and is very successful in his career, and in his personal life. It all worked out well.</p>

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<p>Agree with northeastmom. Is there a smaller school where she could have close contact with profs, have good on campus counseling services and be a reasonable distance from you? Academics could be just as strong, but with a smaller student body, she may be able to handle all better and receive more support.</p>

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<p>Sorry, I am but a mere child, not the mature parent you were looking for. But I'll give you my two cents for what its worth.</p>

<p>First of all, I'm really happy to hear she has very loving, supporting parents. I knew someone with bipolar who didn't have that kind of family. It was tough. Having someone who will stand by you really helps the healing process.</p>

<p>With that said, unless you're afraid she might harm herself, I wouldn't ask her to come home. If I had to go home, I think that would make me feel even more like I failed (even though it's not really the case, it would be just how it would seem). Instead, maybe I'd take a semester off... maybe get a little job in a clinic (since she says she wants to be doctor). Or maybe reduce the courseload just long enough until the meds start working properly. </p>

<p>Just remind her there's no shame in taking it easy right now. Another girl I know wasn't doing too well because of bipolar depression. She failed all but one class one semester. Her roommates had to convince her to take the next semester and summer off to get stabilized. She took that advice and is now doing really well. This year she'll be graduating. :)</p>

<p>btw, please tell her that everything happens for a reason. Suffering makes us more compassionate, which, unfortunately, is something a lot of doctors lack. Perhaps this is happening to prepare her to help others.</p>

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<p>My hunch northeast mom and mkm56 are right: Cal is so big - and can be so impresonal especially to a lost soul. How about taking a year off? Concentrate on therapy, on pursuing non-competitive hobbies, walking along the beach, reading, learning to live with meds, correct combinations, therapy, therapy therapy.... </p>

<p>My sincerest sympathies, to both of you. This illness is so tough on everyone. BUT. Never in history has it been easier to be a patient/parent of someone with with bipolar disorder. The stigma attached is lessening, understanding is growing. There is help out there for your daughter. Encourage her to seek it. Find a doctor skilled in helping young girls. If one doesn't seem to help, find someone else, and then another if need be.
Involve your daughter in studying about the disease: new frontiers in neuroscience are shedding new light - and give new hope - to patients of all kinds. At worst, it'll give her understanding about her condition. At best, it may inspire her to return to her original academic passions.</p>

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<p>As a mom with a psychiatric disorder/mental illness I would urge your daughter to stay in school. Yes Berkeley is a big campus but the Bay Area is full of wonderful support groups. It would be my hope that she could find a group of other students witih bipolar disorder to add to her support network. Perhaps in a support group of students (or even non-students) she could see that having bipolar disorder does not mean one is "damaged" or "not intelligent. There are so many brillant people who have bipolar disorder(though my mind is drawing a blank on the name, I believe there is a nobel prize winner who has bipolar disorder). Good luck to both of youl.</p>

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<p>I also think you should bring her home and have her take a year off from school. Maybe have her get a part-time job in a health care setting. It would allow her the opportunity to see how others have dealt/overcome their illnesses. If she isn’t able to get a part-time job she could always volunteer at a hospital or some other health care facility. Hopefully, after taking a year off she can resume her studies at Berkeley.</p>

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<p>Like TutuTaxi, I thought a year off with volunteering with kids who need mentoring.</p>

<p>There's nothing like improving your own outlook by helping others with theirs; and kids soak up mentor love/encouragement like a sponge.</p>

<p>I feel for you. It's heartbreaking to watch someone we love and admire have these feelings of self doubt. I watched it firsthand with a dear friend of my D. Had everything going for her, and we sat by and watched it all slip away. Her family sheltered her and discouraged her from discovery of her self and her needs.</p>

<p>Your D sounds like she needs care and support and home may be just the right place. Perhaps one semester break to start and see where that leads.</p>

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<p>Oaklandmom, good point about the support groups. Berkeley is ALL about support groups isn't it? (Smile.)</p>

<p>As to your comment about intelligence -- anecdotal evidence I've been able to gather (this is an area of interest to me) seems to point to a connection between unusually HIGH intelligence and bipolar disorder. To be blunt, everyone I know who suffers from this disorder is really, really smart. High IQs, artistic, accomplished. (One close friend, now a college philosophy professor, got into Harvard at 15 and graduated with honors at 18 - all before his first major onset of soul-wrenching depression.) It makes me wonder if all those chemical reactions and synapses inside the brain that make these people outperform us all intellectually in the first place, can also sometimes go so tragically awry that they bring on this serious illness.</p>

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<p>My advice is to get a second opinion from a licensed mental health therapist with expertise in college students who are bi-polar. This would help you get a more informed opinion than you can get here from people like me who are caring, but lack the expertise and information to help you with your difficult decision.</p>

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<p>Interesting point katliamom. My cousin suffers from bipolar disorder and was a "child genius". I hadn't made the connection before, but the people I know personally who suffer from this disorder are all extremely intelligent people.</p>

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<p>My advice to you is find a good psychiatrist for yourself. Preferably one knows alot about bipolar disorder. S(he) can help guide you through this labyrinth, and if there is a crisis, he can be of great help, possibly even communicating with her doctor.. I say this as a mother with kids who have had some issues. Seeing a mental health specialist has been helpful. I met a gentleman while waiting for my appointment this summer. We showed up for the same time slot because he did not record his appointment correctly. We had a wonderful conversation. He had been coming here for over 15 years now. He has a 35 year old son who has schizophrenia. The counseling he, the father, was receiving, was, in his mind, life saving. Some of the needed interventions would not have occured, or occurred much slower and with more agony, had this life line not been there. For legal reasons, you may find yourself frustrated in dealing with your d's psychiatrist. He also may be reluctant to speak of issues with you even if your d provides a release. Your d also might find it more removed to have her doctor talk to your doctor.
I say this too, because in my case, my young adult is much more comfortable and forthright, knowing that I am seeing someone, that I have some issues, in sharing information. It's more a mutual effort rather than the problem being one way. Also I believe that the stress and overwhelming work that comes with having a child with mental illness, can put the parent in a less than optimum mental state.<br>
I can't give you specifics about what your D should do as whatever she does could have consequences. Without knowing all of the details, we are just shooting in the dark. Even with all of the facts, what to do is a crap shoot. The best you can do is to get as much help in dealing with the situations as you and she go along, and professionals can do that.</p>

<p>Just as an aside, these college years are often when mental illness rears its ugly head. THough you may attribute many of her earlier behaviours to her condition, they could also have just been normal at that time.</p>

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<p>Was anyone else bothered by her therapist's suggestion that she join a "life coaching" group? Life coaches do not need formalized psychiatric/psychological training.
My first thought is to arrange a family session with current therapist, and discuss the option of moving home and attending a local college, or getting a job. Its difficult to know how stable D is. It seems she was able to mask her depression for years, and now has added problem of a medical or psychological condition that leads her to lose weight. Does she strive for perfection? I feel much like Ceecee; eventually, she will learn to recognize symptoms of mania and develop compassion for herself & others.
I wish the best for everyone in your family.</p>

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<p>Hmm. Part of the dilemma, it seems to me, is that you want to keep her strong circle of support intact, because it has held her well through so much, and so you are caught between your heart (which senses she could use some time to re-group and renew herself) and the thinking of her father and therapist. And if she is in a depressed phase, decision making is probably truly stressful so it is hard for her (or you) to know what she needs most. Maybe the strategy is to brainstorm some in-between options. If being in Berkeley feels good to her, could she live there and work/do art classes/volunteer or something? Or could she take a gap year that fits with academic ior career interests, etc. Is being closer to home (those medical appointment commutes definitely sounds stressful) but not "back at home" any kind of option. Maybe consulting with someone who helps kids do gap year planning, as a family group, would offer some useful alternatives. Living with a chronic illness is work and a big developmental task to take on at 20 something, but she has persisted so far and had great support. As others have pointed out, there are some good role models out there who have been through this kind of passage and it might be a very good time to look up some successful adults who would be willing to do some telling of their story to inspire her to think of some alternative pathways to her own success. You are not alone in this process, as much as it feels like it at times, and your efforts to craft the right next step will be worth it.</p>

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<p>You have gotten some great advice so far - the only thing I will add is that it is ok to "take the easy way out" sometimes. I believe that you need to do what is necessary to help your daughter cope -and if she needs to be close to you in order to learn to deal with this new diagnosis then so be it. Who cares if it is the easy way out - life doesn't always have to be hard.</p>

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<p>OK. Here is a piece of anecdotal evidence that is only that, an anecdote. The girl who had been my best friend in high school moved to Manhattan when I was 23 or so. She was bi-polar. But, she started refusing to take her medication. In the midst of this, she had an episode where she had a homeless guy move into her apartment with her. At this point, her father called me and told me he was flying out from SF and that the girl was really in a bad way and I had to go sit in her apartment with her until he got there to make sure she didn't harm herself.</p>

<p>He got there, he took her home. However, 20 years later she died of AIDS, possibly contracted originally from her time with the homeless man.</p>

<p>Now, believe me, I know that bipolar disorder in no way means tragedy of that sort in most cases. But, with a 19-year old, I confess I'd want to bring her home. It's hard enough to be 19 without the extra issues bipolar disorder brings. Bring her home and get her stabilized. Of course, where I live, she could go to a great community college, have a job, etc. What is your home community like? Would it support her well?</p>

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<p>berkmom57-I think something you said is telling: "But so far, this has only made her strive for average. I want her to see that to get where she wants to go, she has to FIGHT for it-- fight for better grades, a better life." I don't know all the details, but it seems maybe this attitude is part of the problem. What is so wrong with being "average?" Maybe that is all your daughter wants to be right now. Is she at least passing her courses? If she is, I'd let her stay in school and graduate. Passing and graduating are great accomplishments. I know you envisoned more for your daughter, but maybe you're putting too much pressure on her right now(fight!, etc.) I think the real message should be that you don't have to be a super-achiever to be a worthwhile person. I think you should focus on other values that can make her feel good about herself--being a loyal and caring friend, for instance. If your daughter loved anatomy she doesn't have to be a doctor to pursue that interest. She could be a nurse, a physical therapist, a personal trainer and many other things that don't require her to be under so much pressure. I think the suggestion that another person made about finding a therapist for yourself is a good idea. I think it will help you to see things with a new, more positive perspective.</p>

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<p>Wow, thank you so much for all the advice. I'd never even considered seeing a therapist myself, but now that I think about it, it seems so wise. There's a long way to go before making any definite decisions, but I feel like a lot of you are right and that it would be better for her to come home and maybe not feel so pressured. Thanks again for those enlightening viewpoints!</p>

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<p>I wish you and your family all the best. Please let us know how this all worked out.</p>

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<p>I haven't read through all the responses to this query so sorry if I am being repetitive. </p>

<p>Although I am not a parent, I am a student who has suffered much the same way your daughter has suffered. I was validictorian for my highschool, had a phenomenal GPA, and took classes at the local college, but my senior year, I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder along with an eating disorder. I was very miserable, had no self-esteem, and no will to live. </p>

<p>Off I went to college where things only worsened. I wasn't a social person to start off with, and making friends in college was difficult, especially when I constantly thought of myself as a "weirdo" and as "mentally unstable". </p>

<p>I could go on about what happened to me, but I'd rather not. Lets suffice it to say that I am taking this year off and I am ECSTATIC about it. I am taking a few classes at the local college, and I've found a job that I absolutely love. I am doing a bit of volunteer work as well. On the side, I am attending about 5 appointments a week, and I am finally with a team of doctors that I really like. i am really hoping my confidence increases and I will be able to go back to school with new energy. </p>

<p>Most importantly, this was MY decision and not my parents. Had my parents made my decision for me, I think I would have felt even more forced into the roll of the dependant child, which is something I need to move away from. I need their support, but I don't need them to hold my hand through life.</p>