<p>I know I've mentioned having depression at my current school before, and I did some re-evaluations over the past year since there were a lot of factors screwing up my life. However, most of them are now out of the way. My mother's had her transplant and is doing well. I've stopped getting treatment and the health center and developed a long-term plan to keep me stable at school. My hearing aid is working just fine. Life at home is perfectly good and I was happy all summer. In spite of all these successes, however, I am still incredibly depressed whenever I come back to my current school. For the first week, I'm okay. Then I start tanking horribly--to the point where I consider depression medication to tolerate my current institution. I am taking two classes off-campus this semester and I am never depressed at the other two schools. In fact, whenever I am in-class at one of the two campuses, I am the happiest I've been since I started attending college last year.
I don't know what to do because I now know for a fact that any depression I have is environmentally based, and I'm terrified of getting anything less than a 4.0 because I need 4.0's for this depression to end. If I don't get out, I'm stuck with another two years, and I don't know if I can do another two years of this.</p>
<p>Sounds like you need more professional support than you have going right now. You seem to have a problem with perfectionism if you can only be happy when you have perfect grades. And for some people, medication for depression is the right treatment, and a professional could help you decide if that is the best/right route for you.</p>
<p>You can always take a gap year, or just attend part-time at the other schools you feel happy at. I realize that may cause other difficulties with financial aid or the speed toward transfer/degree. But life is not a race and even if you want to travel along at a 60 mph clip, you won’t get anywhere fast with a flat tire. Sometimes we need to take a different path, different speed, and have time to repair the issues getting in our way.</p>
<p>Your ability to transfer is not contingent on getting a 4.0 as much as it is on having realistic expectations and a practical list of transfer schools. Don’t set yourself up for failure by believing that ONLY a 4.0 will get you out of your current school. And don’t have only pie-in-the-sky schools on your list, be sure to have solid match and safety schools where you could be happy and productive.</p>
<p>“I’ve stopped getting treatment and the health center and developed a long-term plan to keep me stable at school.”</p>
<p>Maybe it is time to stop trying to do this on your own, and get yourself back to the health center for a new round of treatment.</p>
<p>There is nothing wrong with
a) taking a medical leave NOW
or
b) planning now to take second semester off</p>
<p>In either of those cases, you would be out of this environment by January 2012, and you can re-consider where it is you will be happier studying. I’d start with the two other campuses where you currently have classes. How difficult would it be to arrange to transfer to one of those institutions?</p>
<p>@Happymomof1: No way am I going back to the health center! They almost killed me first semester by giving me twice the normal dose, which would not have been necessary if they hadn’t turned me away for treatment until my eardrum was on the brink of rupturing and sending me back to the O.R. Not only will I never let them overmedicate me again, I will also never let them near my ears if I can help it because I really don’t want to have tympanoplasty #6…Medical leave, or any leave, really, isn’t an option for me because of money. We have little to no income right now because neither one of my parents have been able to find work.
I would love, love, LOVE to transfer into one of my schools where I am taking classes, especially since going there would give me easier access to my doctors, a much stronger creative writing department, cross-collaborations and respect between departments, and a community with legitimately happy students and professors. I am so happy every time I go there–happy to the point that I am no longer depressed and actually look like myself again. The only issue is that…the school I want to attend is Penn, and nobody gets into Penn.
The only reason why I can be happy with 4.0’s is because I have to get out somehow, and I know a 4.0 will guarantee a way out for me. So many things about my current school really do upset me, especially since I never wanted to go. My folks wouldn’t allow me to withdraw my application. They demanded I apply, even though I came out of my interview in tears because my interviewer was incredibly rude about my health. I got endless pressure to go after I got in because it was the best school I got into, and I was already told repeatedly that nobody would want me because my health messed up my high school career…and, in spite of my bad feelings, I attended…and I regret it because it turned out much worse than I expected. Not only do I need 4.0’s to leave, I need them to show an admissions office that I am not a screw-up. I can do this, I just need to be in a place where I can be myself without being punished.</p>
<p>I’m sorry that I misinterpreted your post. I assumed (wrongly I realize now) that the treatment you had been receiving from the health center was for the depression. </p>
<p>You need to deal with your depression first. Your grades won’t get better, you won’t cope well with life at your college, and you won’t be able to make functional plans for the future until you do so. If your health center is useless, then get a referral from somewhere else - the health centers at the other institutions, social services, your advisor, or class dean, etc.</p>
<p>As for transferring to Penn, I know people who have done it. It is not impossible. Since you are on that campus during the week, pop by the admissions office and get started with the application process. If the other college is an option, visit their admissions office too.</p>
<p>You wrote, “They demanded I apply, even though I came out of my interview in tears because my interviewer was incredibly rude about my health.” Is that interviewer still there? If you are at one of the colleges that I suspect you are, then it is time for you to draw on the fine Quaker tradition of confrontation, and confront that person about his/her behavior. If you were interviewed by an alum off campus and cannot speak with him/her in person, then you should address this issue with the admissions office staff. “I just need to be in a place where I can be myself without being punished.” sure looks like a potentially confrontable issue too. Take that up with the responsible individual(s) and/or the honor board of your college.</p>
<p>It’s been two years since that interview took place. I don’t know if I could really confront this admissions person now. My plan is to confront her (and a lot of people who I feel are acting badly) upon my time of departure, whether it’s in a few years or within the next one. I have addressed the issue of being myself without being punished towards my dean, but I got a brush-off because the incident that sparked our meeting is part of a campus problem that’s been around for 20 years. Another part of the problem is that I cannot do creative writing, the major I have wanted to do since age 14, at my current school, and even a minor looks out-of-the-question because all of the courses for this subject go to lottery. Involvement in the department means nothing until you’re a junior or senior, and by then, it’s really too late to get a lot of classes under your belt. Between the major and the fact that my punishments have been overlooked, I really do feel hopeless here. I wish there was a way I could see about my professor helping me get into Penn…or that there was a way I could get into a school of equal academic rigor with my major and without punishment.
Being in a place where I’m bored by the academics sucks…that’s why I switched from public to private school after I got one of my two eardrums back. I don’t want to be placed in a school that’s below what I can do because of bad health again. That would really kill me since it’s a mistake I swore never to repeat.</p>