<p>This has been very hard for me ... My daughter was never very good at keeping in touch by phone or email but at least she was home every night ... Now she's away -- 6 1/2 hours away and she isn't returning my texts or phone messages. When we finally got her on the phone I told her that I didn't want to be sitting around wondering if everything was okay and can we agree to pick 2x a week to get in touch .. she said okay and I asked her to choose when was convenient. She said - whenever .. I tried to explain that it should be based on her schedule but she refused to pick so I said - how's Wed & Sat. She said fine.</p>
<p>So last Saturday -- nothing. I called, texted. Nothing. Today is Wed so I guess I'll call again but I'm ****ed. </p>
<p>She is a smart girl -- but has a history of some depression, cutting -- etc. which I "think" she's basically grown out of -- but not hearing her voice makes me think the worst. The last time we spoke she did sound a little down and admitted that she wasn't getting out much. I texted her best friend who goes to a different school and he said he sensed the same and that he was trying to encourage her to get out more.</p>
<p>On the bright side -- she did text me out of the blue last Monday to tell me she got a job -- which is huge -- particularly since we didn't insist that she get one. </p>
<p>The last time we spoke was last Wed which was also her first day of work. I had coincidentally sent some cookies & milk to her room that evening as a surprise and she was grateful because she was so tired after her shift. She sounded happy -- having made a friend at work.</p>
<p>Anyway - I just don't know how to make her understand that we would like more communication. I am aware that parents need to let go and not be too connected to their kids during this important time but in this age of texting, emailing, facebook, skype, cell phones, etc -- when parents can be in constant contact -- I really don't think 2x a week is too much. It seems everyone I know has no trouble hearing from their kids -- and even the one book I got "The Iconnected Parent" states that on average kids communicate w/their parents 13 times a week! -- is making me more depressed about it!</p>
<p>Thanks for any feedback ... Even if you have no advice but are in the same boat -- that'll at least make me feel like it's not just me!</p>
<p>Perhaps your D is trying to separate a little bit. I would give her some space. If she isnot responding to your calls or texts, trying sending her a little note by email once a week with news from home.</p>
<p>If you’d really like to hear her voice, I heard this trick from a college parenting program. Send your D a nice card congratulating her about how well she is adjusting to college and how proud you are of her. Say you are enclosing a $20 bill in hopes that she will use it to treat herself to a nice dinner. Then mail the card without enclosing the cash. You will get a phone call guaranteed!</p>
<p>How often have you been calling and/or texting her? I would stop that immediately if I were you. </p>
<p>I would also reduce the 2x/week to 1x. </p>
<p>If that fails I would tell her since she can’t be bothered to call or text you once a week she obviously doesn’t need a cell phone and cancel her service. If she wants a cell she’ll have to sign up for service on her own and pay the bill herself.</p>
<p>I have resisted contacting her in any way – I tried to reach her on sat since that was supposedly our agreed time – but since then - not. Since today is Wed - the other agreed day - i don’t know whether to call or not. I hate to NOT call just to prove a point since it doesn’t seem to affect her – just me.</p>
<p>I don’t think you are being unreasonable. Mine is not calling much at all and doesn’t even bother to call me back when I leave a message. I don’t ask for much. I call once sometimes twice a week if there is a reason. She is not my only child so she better not get on my list. </p>
<p>Honestly I am little mad but I think she is doing this because we were very close before she left home and I think she is just trying to break away. I know she is not doing anything bad but I still feel upset since there has been some rapes and a girl was stabbed to death at other colleges.</p>
<p>rachelfran—I like emilybee’s suggestion to reduce contact to 1x per week. Late Sunday afternoon tends to work with our son. (Mac “facetime”—I think that’s what it’s called—is awesome! Are you able to Skype?) Of course, it’s going to depend on the kid, but your D seems to be wanting some space, and with her busy schedule it may just slip her mind to get in touch…Try to wait until the weekend to call. In the meantime, spend time with loved ones, learn a new skill/hobby, go for a walk, etc. It’s not easy, but SO necessary, to let go!!</p>
<p>I don’t know if this will be helpful or not, but I can share my experiences.</p>
<p>My son’s first semester at college was by far the WORST semester in terms of his communicating. In retrospect, I think he needed that separation in order to get his bearings for independence. After that, it got a little better.</p>
<p>Secondly, I tend to hear from him when triumphs occur. Kinda like when your daughter got a job, and when she made a friend. My son texts me when he gets a good grade on a test. I send a short response of congratulations.</p>
<p>Thirdly, my unsolicited advice. Don’t initiate two-way contact with your daughter unless it is an emergency. Treasure it when you hear from her unsolicited, even if it is one sentence in a text. At least you know she is alive from that one text. Keep sending sending the one-way contact, (goodies, and letters , because she IS grateful). Swallow your anger, because this is part of the deal, no matter how heartbroken you are. This is HER life now. Get some more hobbies.</p>
<p>Lastly, see if you can get her to video chat, even for 10 minutes, once a week or even every other week, and then don’t press her for anything else. Somehow, being able to see their face, helps a lot–you can tell a lot by how they look. Good luck. Many people here know just how you feel.</p>
<p>The first year in college, we had a similar problem but were talking about his touching base once a week… I called it a “proof of life” phone call on Sundays. It took a few weeks, but he caught on mostly because he noted that I bugged him far less when he just made that one phone call. </p>
<p>As an update, sophomore year was much much better in terms of his calling and texting and now, in his junior year, he definitely calls more often than I need to hear from him although I love hearing from him any time. </p>
<p>So with hindsight as a guide, I suggest you back off a tad. Set a day of the week most laid back - which is why sundays work well - and let it go. He actually calls most often walking to or from a class back to his dorm. It’s a long walk.</p>
<p>Rreduce the 2x a week to 1x a week. Sunday evenings have worked well with our S2. S1 like to call on Wednesday in the middle of the day when he had a two hour break. Anyway…make it once a week and set a time that works for her and for you…Saturdays are never a good choice. Also have HER call YOU. Much less aggravating. If she misses then you can start calling and calling and texting and texting and she will certainly know why you are doing this.</p>
<p>My line is that I need to hear kid’s voice on a ten minute call once a week when kid is in the U.S. I need it. Like food or water. There is no kid who can say that he/she can’t spare ten minutes once a week. Beyond that, try to give the kid space.</p>
<p>I probably talked with my parents once a month when I was in college. No news was good news. Times and parent expectations have changed. S is a Junior in HS, I suspect that when the time comes his Mom will request a once per week phone call.</p>
<p>Haystack: same for me. Of course, back in the dark ages, before cell phones, there really wasn’t an easy way to get in touch with me. No phone in the dorm room, no cell phones, I was really on my own!</p>
<p>My son is also enjoying his independence and we have to initiate the phone call. I have settled on Sunday afternoon/evening to check in. Other than that, we don’t talk to him unless it is something very urgent. </p>
<p>I am grateful that he is enjoying his independence vs the oppositte: me getting a call all the time saying he is unhappy, etc</p>
<p>Does she use Facebook, and is she willing to friend you (you might have to promise not to post anything)? This can be useful to observe that your kid is alive.</p>
<p>I agree with earlier posters - 1x a week should be good. And I would definitely consider emilybee’s suggestion about turning off the cell phone. That will probably get an immediate response.</p>
<p>For proof of life, I’ve been monitoring DD’s Netflix Instant Watching activity. The list has been continually expanding with stuff I know she watches.</p>
<p>I totally agree that a once a week call from your child, ideally on the same day of the week so you’re sort of expecting it, works great. We laid this expectation out for our DS (only child) when he began college this fall. It’s working great! He has called every Sunday. Because he’s picking a time that works for him, he’s in a good mood when he calls.</p>
<p>Mom2CalcuGrrl:LOL. I do the same thing via D’s online banking (if she’s shopping, she must be breathing) I also have some other stealth ways to know what she’s up to, but if I told you what they were… well, you know the rest Let’s just say she didn’t properly set her privacy settings on facebook, so even though she didn’t friend me, I can see her wall posts.</p>
<p>My D texts several times a week, but not daily. She will call if she has a pressing question (how do I get an overdraft charge reversed) I admit that I have to restrain myself from calling/texting her. It is much harder than I expected to “cut the cord” so to speak</p>
<p>This thread brings back memories of when son went away to a school that was about a 3.5 hour drive from home. We’d asked him to pick a time once a week to call. Then he didn’t call for a few weeks, didn’t respond to cell phone call or text, never answered his email; I even sent a snail mail letter. No response. So one Friday I drove down there and called from the phone in the lobby. When he actually answered ( after several calls - it was mid-morning and I figured he was sleeping in since he his first class was after lunch) I asked if he was eating lunch before class. When he said yes, I responded, “Great, we’ll have lunch together.” Dead silence when I told him I was in the lobby. We had a nice lunch where I pointed out that since I wasn’t working at the time, I could visit him once a week. The weekly calls started the next week. I really don’t think it is expecting too much to ask for a weekly hello when the parents are funding the education.</p>
<p>Someone posted a story a few years ago about a kid that would’t call home. The story goes that a letter was sent by snail mail and in the letter it was indicated that there was $$ for pizza…but no $$ were put in the letter. The parent got an immediate call from the kid telling the parent that there wasn’t any money in the letter. Best of luck roping the little calf testing their freedom.</p>
<p>Neither of my kids are great communicators when it comes to calling home. But the oldest came up with a plan that the youngest now follows–call home while walking alone somewhere…to the library, to class, etc. You’re usually not using that time for anything else and the length of the call can be kept to a reasonable time limit–“Gotta go. I’m there.”</p>
<p>Some kids talk to their parents every day, multiple times a day; some don’t talk so much. It doesn’t mean that they don’t love you.</p>
There is no kid who can say that he/she can’t spare ten minutes once a week. Beyond that, try to give the kid space.</p>
Let’s just say she didn’t properly set her privacy settings on facebook, so even though she didn’t friend me, I can see her wall posts.</p>