Football death at our HS

Parents Forum
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<p>My head is still a jumble. </p>

<p>When the death was announced our DS2 contacted his siblings. I have taken the pre-emptive strike by contacting them at their colleges and leaving messages on their phone if he calls please contact him back immediately.</p>

<p>I am waiting for the shoe to fall from the sky on how I will broach this with him when he comes home from practice. </p>

<p>Do I say anything? Do I acknowledge it? Do I ignore it?</p>

<p>I know that sounds insane, but our DS is also one who does not easily express his emotions. I am also in unchartered waters, I have dealt with death in hs, and actually back when they were in elementary, but in my entire life this is the 1st suicide.</p>

<p>I know where I stand as a parent if I was talking to his parents. I would tell them, that they loved him and he knew this, they shouldn’t live the life of what if. However, that is a parent to a parent, and not to a child.</p>

<p>I have 2 hours to brace myself before I see our DS.</p>

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<p>Pima…
Talk to him. You are his mother and you will find the words. Let his emotions lead you right now…but talk to him. Don’t worry about showing your own emotions. He needs to understand that it’s okay to say however he feels in the safety and comfort of his home. He may be confused, or even angry. There is no way to tell how he will react, but open that communication. You will do the right thing. If he’s close to his sister, maybe she can talk to him as well, to say how she’s feeling. He may open up to her.
You will find the words.</p>

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<p>Talk to your son, openly and honestly. Cry together. </p>

<p>I’ve lost several family members to suicide and it always made me sad that no one ever mentioned them. It was as if they didn’t exist. By contrast, a dear friend lost a child to suicide ~11 yrs ago. Occasionally my friend will talk openly about that child, the memories, and things that they did together. I know it must be difficult for her/him, but I think it is healthier to acknowledge than to ignore the existence of that person.</p>

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<p>I am so, so sorry. I agree that you should talk to him so he at least knows the door is open. There have been several suicides in my life and both caused suffering all the way around. The one thing I would want your son to know is that studies have shown that people who try and fail to commit suicide are almost universally glad they lived and rarely try again. Which is to say that the moment of despair passes, and I think it’s really, really important for young people to know that, because they can be so impulsive and feel so terrible about small things. Tell us how it goes…this is so sad.</p>

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<p>I’ll probably get flamed, but a kid doesn’t love something he hasn’t done. We have three sons (and a daughter) and, from infancy, my husband said they would never play football and I was on the same page. We both knew people who sustained serious football injuries in high school. The kids played other sports, some with their own risks, but other than the occasional pick-up game among friends, they never played football, they never asked to play and they never missed it. It may be in part because they went to a high school with a poor football record and there was no status to provide incentive, but I don’t think we would have backed down had they wanted to play. I know you can’t protect kids from everything, I know you can get injured in other sports as well, but the worst and most frequent stories always seem to be associated with football.</p>

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<p>I know I am going to have acknowledge this. I just have yet to figure out how to do it and now I am worried I will not approach it out of fear regarding finding the right words.</p>

<p>I know me, and I think most posters know me too. I am just going to go head first. The family came in and met with the football team personally, so maybe that is how I will approach it.</p>

<p>In the AF we honor every life lost by taking the name tag and turning it upside down to represent the death. I have a BDHS Football paw magnet(They are tigers) on my gas tank cap. When the death was announced I explained this AF tradition to our DS and he took the magnet and placed it upside down. I am hoping that for him it gives him some peace.</p>

<p>I thank every one who has posted their sympathies to our school and our child. It has meant the world to me.</p>

<p>There is one poster that on the P &E forums I am always at odds with, BUT her pm touched me because she reminded me this is the time to remind every parent hug your child even if they complain. Let them know your life is nothing without them.</p>

<p>We talk about the problems in our school and athletics. Talk is cheap, life isn’t. When you sit down on the bleachers Friday night cheer for the team, not the kid. Our kids show better sportsmanship than parents a lot of times. They are the ones that take a knee and make the spectators understand every one is important, not just your team.</p>

<p>Take the time as a parent to make sure your child understands there is no I in team.</p>

<p>I have to now have a conversation with q 16 yo that I never imagined. As a parent I dread it, but from another perspective I know that this opens a door I never would have gone through.</p>

<p>Again, my mind is in a jumble, so forgive me if this post makes no sense. I will keep you all updated on how it is going here, if for no other reason it might help another poster from our own tragedy.</p>

<p>Last, but not least, I am buckling myself in for Friday. The wake is 2 sep. times Friday. One is during school hours, I have yet to talk to Bullet and DS if he should attend since they are still having the game that night. I am not sure if our DS should go to a wake and see the casket, but then again. I don’t know if there will be a casket. Do you go for respect for the family, or do you not go because your child will be playing a few hours later?</p>

<p>Any thoughts would be appreciated.</p>

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<p>Pima, we had something akin to this last year. A friend of my son’s, a girl, died in her sleep one night. One day she was at school, healthy, happy, playing with the band, doing track practice. The next morning she was dead. No explanation. They did an autopsy but it was really inconclusive. How do explain the unexplainable? How do you help you kids understand when there is no understanding?</p>

<p>Follow his lead. Let him talk, and do not be surprised if what he talks about is not his friend or the death, but about himself, his future, his dreams. It was the day she died that our son finally opened up about what he wants to do with his life. Some of it was surprise to us, but it was clear that he had thought a great deal about his future and this was the catalyst that help him put it in words. It help us see him as full fledged adult and really revealed the depths of his maturity.</p>

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<p>Pima,
Ask your son if he wants to go. Even if there is a casket, there will also be an outside room where he can be with you and possibly other students who may be there, but not be exposed to something he is not ready for. You can go during school without him if you feel more appropriate and tell him it’s fine. You will represent your family and say a very personal message from him to the family. This may be a happy medium. </p>

<p>When my boys were in elementary school a neighborhood teen they knew well took his own life. The family invited the young children outside the chapel to release balloons. It was a way to allow them to participate in an age appropriate way, if their families deemed it right for them.</p>

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<p>So very very sorry for the boy’s family, the friends, team members and all who are connected.</p>

<p>When I was in HS, a million years ago, a boy that was in our group of friends died from cancer. In that day and age, we were not encouraged to go to the wake or funeral, and there was no grief counseling offered. I think his closest friends did go, but those were boys that lived right across the street from the boy. Now from my adult point of view, I am sorry that I never went by to see his parents later on, even though I didn’t know them, but that would not have occurred to me at that time. Another HS friend died when I was in college, from an illness that kills people when they are young. My parents did not want to tell me, but I was home for a weekend and we ran into someone who said something. My mom did not want to tell me, but then she had to. I knew that girl since I was about 2 years old, so I did go right to see her parents. Another childhood friend had come in from out of state to spend a few days with her parents.</p>

<p>There are many ways to show respect for the family, by sending a heartfelt note, calling, letting them know that you are there for support etc. Let your son decide what he feels is right. Whether he goes to the wake or not, I doubt that the lost team member will be far from your son’s and everyone else’s thoughts. It is over 30 years and I still remember my friends who are gone when I hear stories like this.</p>

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<p>Pima,</p>

<p>Yes, you should talk about it and let him know it’s okay to talk about it. Often, suicide is a taboo subject. Is his school bringing in counselors? It would be great if they had an assembly to educate about suicide and if they were providing ways for the kids to talk about it. Ask him what he needs from you. It’s okay to share that you feel sad and confused and scared and that it’s normal to feel a lot of confused feelings when someone commits suicide. It’s also normal to feel anger on a lot of levels. Whatever he’s feeling is normal and let him know that there are lots of resources – school counselors, hot lines, family, etc. Death always impacts a high school community tremendously, but suicide is even more difficult to process.</p>

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<p>Mimk6:
I totally agree with you.
Why would any parent allow their child to participate in an elective activity that could kill them or cause them permanent physical harm?<br>
It’s one thing for kids to participate in sports in P.E, such as flag football, basketball, etc.
I think that type of physical activity is healthy.<br>
It is quite another thing to allow your child to play against 225 lb bulked out, hard plastic pad encased, helmeted opponents.<br>
How many more kids will be killed or paralyzed until parents get the message?</p>

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<p>A boy at son’s school committed suicide a few years ago (he was a few years old than my son). We did attend the service as we felt it was important to support the family and most of the HS kids chose to attend.</p>

<p>Since the school was an Episcopalian one, the chaplain (who had been working with this boy closely about his issues) spent a lot of time at the service talking about how much pain the young man was in and how he wished the young man had reached out for help. It was obvious that the chaplain was speaking to the young people who were there.</p>

<p>The thing I have emphasized to my son over and over again is that those hopeless feelings that lead to suicide are often fleeing. Feelings don’t last forever. And more importantly, there are many, many resources out there to help someone who is feeling this way. I have told him we will always be there to help him find his way out of the darkness, if he were to ever experience such pain. </p>

<p>We have had several young adult/teen suicides in our community. There is usually an underlying issue (ie, family problems or substance abuse) or a long-standing history of depression that no one (outside of the immediate family) knew about. Don’t be surprised if more details about this poor young man surface in the days and weeks ahead.</p>

<p>Still, it’s hard not to wonder if the suicide wasn’t somehow connected to the concussion. There is evidently a high rate of suicide among NFL players and they are beginning to think it does have something to do with head injuries.</p>

<p>Hugs - this is one of the days, as a parent, you wish your child never had to experience.</p>

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<p>My S told me just last week that he’d suffered a concussion playing rugby. I forbade him to keep playing, and that was before reading this thread.</p>

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<p>As a parent who has 2 boys that played competitive contact sports. I have to say, I am with you…one concussion in rugby and they would be out of there.</p>

<p>The reason why, is the limited knowledge I have of rugby they really have very little protective gear.</p>

<p>Our eldest was a Jr Olympian, National and State Champ for TKD, but those kids are padded up, plus they really have strict rules regarding head shots.</p>

<p>Our youngest is the FB player and the helmet he wears compared to rugby is so different. I have lived in 5 different states + the UK and I have yet to see a hs that allows rugby. I am not saying there aren’t schools that have it, I am just wondering from a school insurance POV they could have it.</p>

<p>Now for the update regarding our DS’s school.</p>

<p>1st off. Thank you all for your thoughts, wishes and advice. It really has been a source of comfort and guidance for bullet and I.</p>

<p>To answer the question about grief counselors. They were on site at the school Monday when it was announced. They will be there for this entire week. From what has been told to me by the school there are 2 counselors. This is a small hs., for PWC. They have sent 2 because they understand that the athletes not only knew him, but now they want to make sure as athletes they address their unique issues…i.e. playing contact sports. I give them a hats off to this, because for some of the athletes there is now that fear of injury which kids need to express. </p>

<p>Next, our DS came home last night after practice and informed of us/me of a couple of things, which I am trying to process mentally right now.</p>

<ol>
<li>The school will be busing the entire football team tomorrow for the wake that is occurring during school hours.</li>
</ol>

<p>Bullet and I discussed this, neither one of us are feeling at ease over this. </p>

<p>It is a 6 and a 1/2 dozen issue. Maybe it is good because it will give the kids closure, maybe it is bad because it is emotionally hard at any age to attend a wake.</p>

<p>I will be attending and be there for our DS. This is the 1st funeral he has ever attended, and I just want to be there to catch him if he needs it.</p>

<p>I don’t like the idea of the school busing the kids. I respect that they want to give support to the family, but I think the parents of the students should go with them. I don’t think kids on a team should feel they should get on a bus because they are a team member. Emotionally, the kids will go because it is for the team, I just don’t know if mentally they are prepared for what they are walking into. </p>

<p>Again, it is an emotional wrangle within my own head. I know our DS is not emotionally ready, he has no comprehension of what this will be like and I feel the pressure might be too much during the day…i.e. watching the clock until he has to get on that bus.</p>

<p>He knows I will be there, but I also know him, seeing me will give him comfort, but this will be very hard on him. He will be breaking inside while trying to hold it on the outside.</p>

<p>2 hours later he will be on the field. I know our DS, while he is on the sidelines he will be thinking of Austin, the minute he has to get in the stance it will be all football. However, that is still hard to watch as a parent.</p>

<ol>
<li> The school has made me so proud as a parent. It is sad that something so horrific has to happen to understand how much the school loves your child.</li>
</ol>

<p>The school has asked all students in honor of Austin to wear the school colors on Friday. The football field was painted yesterday with his number. </p>

<p>I love the fact that the cause of his death is not an issue, they lost a student and they want to acknowledge that loss.</p>

<p>I think for kids this does give them comfort and reduces the stigma of suicide.</p>

<ol>
<li>Our DS is in denial. I had a long conversation with him last night, but he still refuses to accept that it was suicide. On Friday night when he got the concussion, Austin and him were joking in the locker room as they suited up. Our DS just cannot accept that someone joking around, someone known in the school to be jovial would take his life.</li>
</ol>

<p>I know there are 5 stages of death and denial is one of them. Bullet and I as parents will now just have to wait for him to get to the acceptance stage.</p>

<p>When I talked to DS about the suicide last night and asked why he thought it wasn’t a suicide, he said because if it was his brother wouldn’t have been at school today.</p>

<p>Austin’s parents decided to allow his younger brother to return to school. His brother believed that would be what Austin wanted. Our DS being in denial believes it supports the reason that he died was a result from the concussion and he was not in his right mind set. He sees the concussion as the cause of his actions.</p>

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<p>"Why would any parent allow their child to participate in an elective activity that could kill them or cause them permanent physical harm? "</p>

<p>Our DD has participated in mountain climbing and caving and skiing. To some extent following up our own family hiking, outdoorsy stuff. We encourage that - it was good for her mental health in lots of ways. She is NOT rash - she makes sure her helmet is on, belay is done, etc, etc. I don’t expect her to do iceclimbing or other extreme aspects of these sports. But she takes “reasonable” risks. </p>

<p>I am not a huge fan of HS/college football culture, and I am supportive of all efforts to reform approaches to safety in those sports.</p>

<p>But lets face it, if you take the above line seriously, you wouldnt let your kids drive. Or walk anywhere where people were driving.</p>

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<p>Pima, I think it may be a good idea for him to go with the team – it gives him a solid bench to sit with, to be with. The loss for him is a loss of teammate, friend, companion. It will do him good to be with other teammates and friends as he mourns this loss. This loss touches your family, but it touches his “other” family (his team) just a much, if not more. Perhaps he needs to be there for them. If he is a team leader he may want to be the one who shows younger players how to celebrate his friend. I say let him go with the team.</p>

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<p>Oh, my gosh. I had missed the update that it was ruled suicide.</p>

<p>Again, my condolences. </p>

<p>I would guess the school is offering the bus because there are parents who would be unable to attend with their children and would not want them driving while in such an emotional state. It’s a hard call and one that we wished didn’t even have to be made.</p>

<p>DD had a hard time the other week because a friend was injured in Afghanistan and one of his best friends was killed the same week. She was unable to attend the memorial, which she really wanted to do for her friend.</p>

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<p>My son lost a friend to suicide in 8th grade. He was not very close to her, but we did know the family.
Son has absolutely refused to go to the wake. I went with my then 6th grade daughter. I went as a support for the family. My daughter went because she was curious (I think).
All I can tell you is that it was a very difficult two hours. The line was huge, the conversations in line were OK, but once we got tho the proper room it was a total devastation for me. It was an open coffin wake and the younger sister of the deceased girl was standing by the coffin, constantly caresing the dead gilr’s face and her long hair.
It was very, very difficult to watch, even though the behaviour of the little girl seemed natural and very loving. And I say this as an oncology nurse who has seen her share of deaths. It was very, very tough. Hugging the parents and feeling mom’s fingernails digging into my back as we embraced - will never forget.
The worst part though came the following day, just before the funeral, when the time came for closing of the coffin. The family was in the room alone with her, hundreds of mourners outside, but the screaming that came from the mother’s lungs was something I really do not want to hear again. I just could not stop bawling, and trust me, I was not alone.
Overall the experience was so overwhelming for my daughter, that she says to this day she is not going to attend another wake. Son was happy he did not participate.
We all went to the funeral, as did majority of the class. School did not organize anything, parents were just taking their kids to the service privately. My heart aches to this day when I remember the heartbroken 8th graders standing very close to each other, next to coffing at the cemetery.
But I also have to say that it was a tremendous learning experience. Very traumatic, but since the family did not pretend that it was an “accident”, kids did learn a lot from the fact. I spoke and to this day speak very openly about suicide to my kids.</p>

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<p>I have to say this. Bullet and I, knowing the roads here, take getting a license very seriously. We are in a unique area. Rural on the roads around the house and school, but take a left instead of staying straight and they are on one of the most congested highways in the US. We know they have both ends of the extreme. We consistently tell them that a car is 2 tons of metal that kills and it is a priviledge not a right.</p>

<p>Hate to say it, but sometimes I feel parents hand over the keys because the state said they were ready due to a legal age, not maturity. Bullet and I do not take that approach, you have to earn it and we are the ones to determine if you are mature enough. We tell our kids it is 2 tons of metal. Also I am not worried about them, but the other driver coming down the road on a dark night. IMHPO 16 is too young for a license.</p>

<p>Back on topic, our DS is a jr., but he is being groomed for team leadership/mentoring next yr. He does play Varsity and JV, that is why he knew Austin. Austin and him were both on JV and Varsity last yr together.</p>

<p>I do agree because most parents commute to DC it is a transportation issue. Bullet just called me to say, he has meetings and there is no way he can miss them tomorrow. Fortunately, I can, which relieves the fear from the emotional standpoint for our DS.</p>

<p>I actually feel guilty that I am placing the concern of my child over the grief of the parents.</p>

<p>I am okay for my child since I will be there during the wake. I think I am just more concerned about sitting on the bleachers that night for the team and cheerleaders because it is hard to see a child’s face when their back is to you and they are wearing a helmet.</p>

<p>Any parent who has watched an athletic game from the sidelines sits on pins and needles for each play, but at least you know their mind was in the game. </p>

<p>I guess I have to believe in a couple of things.

  1. Fate
  2. Our DS</p>

<p>~~~If he wants to go in the game be it to honor Austin, the team or for himself, we gave him the foundation to know when to go and when to stay.</p>

<ol>
<li>Our school</li>
</ol>

<p>~~~The coaches will never placed the team in harms way for a win. They protect the players and will take a loss if it means protecting the student.</p>

<p>You know we all thing hs is about the easy path in life compared to the real world. Strange how that on a flip of a coin could be further from the truth.</p>

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<p>Hey Pima,
What an awful week you’ve had – I am so sorry.
Just catching up and saw your post about the whole team on the bus. I’m with you – not a good idea. Now that we’re talking about suicides, there were 2 parent suicides when D was in 5th grade. I took her and 2 of her classmates to the wake (it was the first for all involved, including me). I walked in with them; we spotted the casket with their classmate’s dead mother; and I led them away to a separate room. After they stabilized, I asked them if they wanted to go up and told them they didn’t have to if they didn’t feel up to it. Your son is older, but these are very upsetting things. Emotions are high and I would want the chance to offer comfort. Can you offer to “chaperone”? Anything so you can be on the bus with your son and thus can prepare him/comfort him? Or tell the coach “I had planned on driving my son so we can collect our thoughts and have a moment of prayer together.” Anything. I don’t like the bus idea. You don’t know how these kids (again with the macho thing) will react. If one tears up, will the others make fun of him? If one of them tries to laugh it off (unlikely) will the others beat him up? Either get on that bus or don’t let your son on it. Good luck.</p>