<p>S1 just called - freshman, usually very upbeat. Didn't get the room he wanted next year with his three good buddies so the others decided to live in their fraternity house (he decided to pledge a different fraternity than all of his friends) so now has no one to live with. Feeling kinda sad. I am not sure why he pledged this fraternity (kind of new/no name) instead of the one where all of his friends were going (which was his #1 choice much of the fall). He hasn't sounded too enthusiastic about the pledge process and now my maternal radar is telling me that there is some other reason why he chose it (his gpa was not great this first trimester and I think new/no name was probably more flexible about it than others). This is a tremendously conflict averse kid who would probably not willingly tell me something like that (only wants me to think the best about him - maintain "prize roster" status) but I'm thinking that's the case, and if so - I really want to suggest that he should wait until the fall and pledge then. This is one of those cases where i want to be careful with what I say - I don't want to helicopter, but I don't want him to make a mistake that he can't change in the future. Argh! the counter transference is killing me!</p>
<p>So…your son didn’t pledge in the fall? Am I understanding this? He’s a new pledge for the 2nd trimester?</p>
<p>If your son depledges, would he be allowed to later pledge the other house?</p>
<p>I don’t want him to make a mistake that he can’t change in the future.</p>
<p>If he makes this “mistake,” how would it really affect his future?</p>
<p>At his school - they rush and pledge in the spring (which I think is a good thing). I think that if he withdraws at this point - he would be free to pledge a different fraternity in the fall. Of course you are right that what fraternity he is in will have a minimal impact on his life (in the grand sense) but I would like for him to have this experience and to feel good about it - it is one of those things that you can really only do once (at a specific time) in your life.</p>
<p>You said you don’t know why he chose to pledge the other fraternity that none of his friends were in, maybe its possible that the one that his friends are in didn’t want him? Maybe thats why he’s secretly feeling about the process, in order to join a fraternity they need to give him a bid and maybe he didn’t get one from there?</p>
<p>it’s possible, and if that is the situation, does my asking him just humiliate him?</p>
<p>3bysmom - there could be number of reasons why he decided to go off on his own. I would have a low key discussion with him just to find out as to why. If you get the sense that he was forced into his choice, then maybe you could suggest a way out, like wait to pledge in fall. But if it’s a choice he is happy with, then I would leave it. Sometimes when they see we are supportive of their choices it makes them feel better about it. In the big scheme of things by pledging a wrong fraternity will not be a detrimental mistake one could make in college. On the other hand, it maybe more damaging to question his decision. With my own kids, if I don’t make a big deal about something, they tend to talk to me more. The minute I start grilling them then they shut down.</p>
<p>I feel for you. We feel every pain our kids experience.</p>
<p>3bysmom: one of my sons went Greek during freshman spring, and the second son is Greek averse and independent. Greek son also had to drop a class and regroup a bit academically at this exact point/probably due to an overly active social calendar and lack of time management/maturity/didn’t realize he would have to work tons harder than in high school. </p>
<p>Freshman year is notoriously awkward for boys and girls sometimes but it isn’t permanent. Greek pledging and related fal-de-ral does break up some budding friendships freshman year just logistically…but it is also not permanent as a divisive force.
Juniors are seldom as preoccupied with belonging to a group as freshman can be. </p>
<p>I would advise you to stay out of it (don’t worry about his frat’s status, rank, perceived or rumoured) and to say things like: “you have always been a good judge of character”…and that your college knows what they are doing when they admitted your classmates…the guys in your frat are also probably great guys…you went with your instincts where you felt wanted and where you were going to get a bid…so put your attention in your new frat. If you have to apply for a single for one year, it could be a good thing as you right your boat academically for a year… and no doubt you will have someone in your frat or elsewhere as a roommate by next year at this time. </p>
<p>I left my sons at college with the advice that sometimes in life we are alone and that is a normal state and in fact a skill set to learn to manage a degree of loneliness/vulnerability, and certainly freshman year is often about tons of friendly acquaintances and budding friendships but seldom about finding your Friends for Life in first semester. Lots of shifting around re social circles ahead…which is what I would say to your son now. He may not even have noticed his actual Friends for Life just yet.</p>
<p>I would tell your good smart son to hang tight, to have confidence in himself, to stay open to all Greeks and non Greeks around him, and that you “have confidence in his instincts” perhaps citing his good friendships in high school as evidence that he has good judgement. Be the voice that tells him that things shake out in a semester or two and no one will even think about his having a single or whatever for sophomore year.</p>
<p>My non Greek son just made a proposal with a group of independents for themed housing as a cluster group which is pretty much available at most colleges as old dorms get “dressed up” with various subsets of students and different purposes. Like you, I care about my son figuring out how to plan ahead and propose such things and I admit I prodded him to intiate and address this as second son is very kind, and a tad shy. That was a hurdle for him as he was raised in a town where his place in everything was simply a birthright and he never had to make his way before re reaching out to others who might also need roommates etc.</p>
<p>I bet your son’s college also has a big variety of residential theme options to consider, some of which are buildings with singles in them. So perhaps he could pursue getting to know his new frat and getting to know other independents at the same time.</p>
<p>Faline2 and oldfort- see, now THIS is why I post on CC instead of talking to my H - what wonderful, calm and rational responses - thank you. I think I tend be more involved in my firstborn’s choices and much better about allowing #s 2 and 3 to figure things out on their own. For some reason I project so much more of my own hopes/fears/experiences on him and probably vicariously resolve my own issues. This situation so clearly reflects my own experience with rushing a sorority and being disappointed in the outcome.</p>
<p>3bysmom, does your son have the opportunity to live in his frat house? After all, I think the pledge process is designed so that the kids are close with all of their “brothers”. Maybe pledging will expose him to some new friendships with the new kids also pledging your son’s frat and he can find a someone to live with next fall. My son is also going through pledging. I don’t ask much because they can’t say much. I only pray that he makes good, safe choices. My son’s school doesn’t have frat houses but dorms where the frat has a lounge and I guess that the kids live in that dorm if they so choose. But I think he is free to live with kids who are members of other frats, or kids that didn’t join a frat at all. My son and a few of his very close friends are all pledging a certain frat but some of the kids on his floor are pledging a variety of other frats and some have chosen to remain independent. It doesn’t seem too odd to me that your son may choose a different frat than that of his friends. Sometimes kids are looking for different things from an experience and some of the frats can be known to be hard partiers, while others are more middle of the road or service minded. Perhaps when it came right down to it, he chose the one where he felt he best fit in. My son is very open with me but he is a tad tight lipped about this whole process. He told me about the different frats during rush, mentioned the ones he was interested in etc. but that was about it. He never even told me he got a bid to his first choice (although he did tell my husband). But once the pledging started I noticed that I don’t hear from him as often although he texts me still, but it is never about anything to do with pledging. He says he is so busy with pledging and schoolwork and if I ask anything specific about the process he tells me he can’t discuss it. He has a good head on his shoulders and so I feel I have to trust him and respect his desire to remain silent. You may find that if you ask some questions that you may not get alot of info and honestly, I think that is just part of this process rather than your son being upset about something. Pledging is not supposed to be fun but rather a bonding experience so maybe that is what you are hearing in his voice (and probably why my son doesn’t call much, maybe he too is afraid I will hear something in his voice so text messaging is much easier ). I think asking a question like “Gee, how come X,X,X (insert friends names) all pledged one frat and you chose another? Were you just more comfortable there?” He may say yes, I liked X (frat) better or he may say no, I didn’t get a bid from their frat but I did from my #2. Boys seem to work out room mate situations more easily than girls. I am sure that there must be someone that your son is comfortable with that would be willing to room with him. He just may be disappointed because he assumed that he would live with the boys that he was closest to, but as we all know things change. Would he be interested in living in a single? I think singles are great for sophomores because you can choose to live near your friends but have the privacy of your own space when it comes time to study, sleep etc. It took me until I was a college senior to realize how much a single can really be the best of both worlds. Good Luck to you and your son.</p>
<p>Thanks, I would love for him to have a single so that he could study in peace and quiet - now he is saying he might move in to the fraternity house!</p>
<p>My Greek son lived in the frat “section” his sophomore and junior years… altho I admit I am not a fan of aspects of this choice, he received a lot of support (OK, I will say it…brotherhood), emotional sense of belonging which helped him often with stress…he is more of a pack animal than some guys and likes the whole male bonding and let’s compete with all the other groups in rec sports etc life from his frat membership re his courses, tutoring, good advice, and some serious examples of hyper focused students who worked very very hard at their majors (this is Duke and everyone was very motivated to learn in his frat) </p>
<p>and more importantly, someone who graduated from his frat a long time ago hired him when the recession ate his job offer in the private sector post graduation.</p>
<p>His frat also gives him a place to go have a hamburger and a beer on alum days in the autumn and on the occasional trip to campus for football…</p>
<p>so, if you had heard the HARD time I gave him when he pledged…you would understand that it is eating my hat to say Go Frats. For some, not others. </p>
<p>Anyhow…moving in with your brothers can certainly be a positive re grades and studies and can mean good things. What I can’t bear to listen to is the “ratings and rankings” don’t get me started and to hear about kids who went all the way to please and were rejected…</p>
<p>It can help a lot to tell him that you are immensely proud of him that he was willing to try a path independent of his buddies AND that you know he is in a stressful time and you will support which ever path he chooses. </p>
<p>It can also help if you relate a couple of family history incidents where you or another family person had an unclear path that worked out terrifically – and then another one where it worked out in ghastly fashion. You can conclude we never know on these deals what is going to unfold and that you love him no matter how this particular adventure goes next.</p>