Freaking Out and Need Help

So here’s my situation. I recently graduated from high school this past May 2018 and have been planning on going to college at BYU-Idaho, which is about 5 hours (256 miles) away from home. I was planning on rooming with my cousins which I felt would make it a lot easier on me. However, I struggle with parental separation anxiety and started stressing to my parents I didn’t know what I wanted to do. So they told me I could either go up to the university and see if I like it or stay at home and go to community college for a little bit and ease into the college experience without feeling stressed and anxious, I need to decide what I want to do ASAP so please help me! I’m so scared

What specifically are you scared of? And when are you expecting to start college?

I’m really just scared of leaving home because I’ve never really been away from home a lot (except for a couple months ago when I went to Disneyland with just my cousin for 5 days, I was really proud of myself but then again I love Disneyland and was having so much fun I don’t think about home, and I’m not really an outdoorsy type and that’s basically what Rexburg is like. I expect to start January 7th and if I decide to go I leave in 2 days…

What do you think could happen to you when you are away from home? (By thinking of the “what ifs” you can conquer them.)

Also, if you do not leave home to go to college now, when will you not be scared to leave home? Next year? Three years? Ten years? What will change to make you not scared?

Just that something bad would happen to them, however I just really need an answer on what I should really do in this situation here

I’m just not sure but maybe I’m just not ready, I’m just not as matured yet and maybe need to just move at a slower pace and start here, I don’t know though

Only child or eldest? Lots of us worry something could happen. (To our parents or our own kids, when they go.) But we plan to stay in touch and to believe parents when they say they’ll be ok.

Edit. Missed this is soon. Good luck. If you go, consider a college plan that insures you, if you do drop out.

I’ve had two older sisters go away to college, and a younger brother in high school. My parents can afford college costs and there really isn’t any other options for colleges besides the community college 15 minutes from my home and the college that’s 5 hours away that I both mentioned.

You are worried something bad would happen to your parents. Like what, for example? What’s the worst that could happen? And will that thing happen BECAUSE you went away to college? Or would it have happened anyway? I am asking these questions because you have to get it all out on the table, all the “what ifs.” That is what a cognitive behavioral psychologist would do to help you learn how to cope with your anxiety.

Nobody can tell you what to do. But whatever you do, don’t do it out of fear.

Well I’ve talked to a doctor about these what if things already but I just want to know what I should do

It has to be your decision. You have to own it. But remember this: Your decision should be because you are in favor of that course of action, because you are “pro” going away to school or “pro” staying home and going to community college. The decision should not be made due to avoidance or to do the safe thing. That said, the “safe” thing (which could be either choice, by the way) could also be the option that you are “pro.”

So, are you pro going away to school? Or are you pro living at home and going to CC?

There’s pros and cons to both which is my issue here

I can’t tell you what to do. Nobody can because we don’t know you. What I can tell you that a lot of kids feel scared and are afraid of being home sick. It is a normal reaction to change.

Based on your post, your parents have gone through this process with two kids and sound like reasonable supportive parents. What do they think? They know you. Do they feel your feelings are in the normal range? Do they think that you need therapy or maybe just more time. They want you to succeed so I am assuming they would be willing to be honest with you. Just because your siblings were ready doesn’t mean you are. Ask them for a honest frank assessment. Tell them your fears and see if they can help you but them in perspective. If both of you feel you need more time then there is nothing wrong about taking it.

Starting college can be scary. There are a lot of changes and new responsibilities. However, schools have support systems in place to help you. There are RAs, counseling centers, education help centers, academic advisors, heath centers that are there to help. Your parents are only call away to talk or skype with. Most parents love to hear from their children. It sounds like you have supportive parents so that help.

“However, I struggle with parental separation anxiety and started stressing to my parents I didn’t know what I wanted to do. So they told me I could either go up to the university and see if I like it or stay at home and go to community college for a little bit and ease into the college experience without feeling stressed and anxious”

Sounds like you should stay at home and do CC to me.

But don’t you think that would just be putting off the inevitable and would make it just as hard to leave but just a few years later? I am scared of staying here and not being able to graduate with my cousins who I know

You are not the first kid to ever go away to college. For many it is their first time living away from their parents. So many incoming freshman will have some anxiety about this new experience as they transition to new phase of life of becoming independent and taking responsibility for yourself. You need to learn life skills and get exposure to the real world. The sooner you this the better off you will be in the long run. You are not going to live with your parents forever. One day you will have to learn to manage things on your own. Suppose later job opportunities require that you relocate? What are you going to do then?

Freshman year of college is a transition time for all the new students. It’s the ideal time to make new friends as many will feel the same way as you. Focus on why you applied to the schools that you did and focus on how this college experience will shape your future career. So many kids come from families where the parents can’t afford the opportunity to go away to college and for this reason attend community college or a commuter school. Appreciate the fact that your parents have given you the gift of pursuing further education. They have worked hard all their lives so that you would have an opportunity to create a good future for yourself. Every parent wants their child to flourish in their education and career. Seeing you become independent and becoming mature will make them worry less about you.

If you are having anxiety issues please see a counselor to discuss this. The college years and the experience is meant for you to grow and smoothly transition to adulthood. At 18 you are considered an adult and there are woman out their that have children and have to take care of responsibilities and manage their own family. This is all part of growing up.

I think you should go to college and give it a year to see how it goes.

Very important point. Everyone at college is in the same boat. You are not doing something that nobody on earth has ever done. You are not walking on the surface of Mars. You are going to college. It’s typical. It’s normal. It’s also normal to feel anxious. Some students are more anxious or less anxious than others. You seem to be on the higher end of the spectrum. But that’s OK. Very OK.

Again, what is your worst fear? You said you are afraid something will happen to your parents. Like what? If the worst does happen (whatever that may be), it would NOT be because you went to college.

Of course there are pros and cons to every choice in life. But that’s not the question. The question at hand is, which choice do you back? If “going away to college” were a candidate running for elective office against a candidate “community college”, which one would you back? Which is the choice that suits you ON ITS MERITS.

Also realize that in life there will always be things that are unknowable. Do you know EXACTLY how it’s going to be if you go away to college? No. Do you know exactly how it will be if you stay home? No. You never can know everything. You have to take a leap of faith and be OK with not knowing. Instead, think about what choice you are a backer of on its merits.

Yes, a counselor or therapist, not just your doctor.

Your anxiety is clear here. But you can’t take a poll of strangers to make this decision.

Is this separation anxiety long running? Has it stopped you from other trips or experiences, overnights with friends, so you could be home? That’s different than normal college concerns just before starting. What have you been doing in the last 7 months?

Yes it’s long running. I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist for a while now. And yes it has prevented me from sleep overs and activities away from home ever since I was little. I have gotten better over the years but not to the point where I feel ready for college like my cousin does. I’ve been just at home this past 7 months.