Separation anxiety is sometimes from a specific event (or string of events.) Loss, bad news, etc. People can learn new ways to view that. Or it can be too much parenting. For some, if you haven’t challenged yourself to try new things, you don’t have that record to learn from. But new things are how we all build confidence and resilience. (You’d go to Disney again, because you experienced it- and survived!)
I wish you the best. Don’t add guilt to this.
But if you go, I think it’s called tuition insurance. The college should have info they sent.
For now, breathe. It’s the first week of January; nothing needs to happen today. I’m assuming you’ve already sent out your apps. So breathe and relax for now.
If and when you get into BYU-Idaho, and your cousins do too, then start to think. I’m guessing you see a therapist? Work with him or her.
My daughter was similar to you this time last year, except that for all her anxiety issues, she KNEW she wanted to go away. She goes to a school that’s supposed to be 5 hours away (but has been 7 every time we’ve made the trip.) And, yes, the early adjustment was tricky; more than once, she told me she was buying a plane ticket and coming right home. And, each time, we asked only that she give it 2 days before getting the ticket. Each time, that cooling off period was enough to remind her of how much she loves her school. She’s now counting the days till she can return.
Big picture: if you don’t go away, how could you prevent something from happening to your parents? And, if you do stay home, does that mean you’re never ever planning to move out? What if that nebulous “something” happens while you’re in class at CC? Or at work after college-- are you planning to work from home forever? And let’s say you’re home when “it” happens-- exactly how are you going to prevent “it”?
You see where I’m heading, right? As much as you love your parents and want to protect them, the reality is that we as humans simply don’t have that sort of power; we can’t give that much protection to those we love.
Would you consider asking your parents to get one of those Medic Alert bracelets? Would that make you feel better? And perhaps to guarantee that you always have enough money in your bank account to be able to book a flight home should you need to?
I don’t see any pros to staying at home, other than economic reasons, which you say aren’t an issue. The vast majority of students who go away to college don’t have anything bad happen to them. There’s no particularly valid reason that you being away from home is going incure some sort of bad luck to befall your family. Your siblings have been fine going away to college.
Be brave today. Then be brave again tomorrow. Be brave every day for a few months, and you will realize you are ok. You’re letting fear of the unknown dictate your life, which isn’t a good idea. It sounds to me that you are allowing panic to take over.
This can help you make the unknown a little more known. Here is what will happen: you will feel weird and awkward for a few weeks, along with everyone else. You will possibly feel adrift, or feel that you haven’t got any real friends, which is 100% normal. Everyone else will feel the same. You will feel homesick and at some point you will be convinced you’ve made a mistake. You haven’t. You stick it out and be brave for another day. In between all the stuff that admittedly isn’t a lot of fun (at least initially), you will realize that you enjoyed your class that day, or that someone said hi, or that there’s an interesting club to join, or that you like the people in your hall. One day, maybe in a couple of weeks, but probably a couple of months, you will realize you are enjoying yourself more than not enjoying yourself. The odds are that THIS is what will happen when you go to college.
Here’s what will happen at your home when you are at college: nothing unusual. Your home and your family will still be there, a mere five hours away. Five hours ago, you might have just eaten breakfast. It’s no time at all.
As soon as you arrive on campus, make an appointment at the campus counseling center, even if you feel you don’t need to. Ask for tips on how to cope with anxiety and bounce your concerns off of someone who is trained to help you cope with these changes. You will be ok, I promise.
So, if you are supposed to start on the 7th, is everything all set up at that school, like your dorm and your roommate and your schedule and everything? You are enrolled to start this semester in four days? So it sounds like at some point you made the decision to go to the away campus, and this is a last minute doubt? Is that correct? Did your parents get tuition insurance? Some of the answers you are getting are not reflecting the actual current situation, I think, so let us know. Also there seems to be a lot of focus and comparison with your cousin…everyone is different and has their own needs, and wants, and levels of comfort and independence. Also does this cousin attend the same away from home school?
It is totally, 100% normal for people even without anxiety and separation issues to feel some degree of nervousness before moving away from home for the first time. Try not to let yourself get cold feet. YOU’VE GOT THIS! It WILL be okay!
Make a list of 10 things you are looking forward to about going to college! They can be big things or small things, e.g., “So excited to take Intro to Psychology” or “They have a great salad bar at my school! And an ice cream station!” or “I want to go to a meeting of the Relay for Life club!” Try to focus on the GREAT things you are heading toward, not on what you are leaving behind.
Also, remember that you are only a few hours away from home. In a worst case scenario–which probably will NOT happen–you can get back home relatively easily. It’s not like you are joining the Peace Corps and moving to a remote location.
Okay, you shared that you are under the care of a psychiatrist. That indicates that your anxiety is probably not considered in the normal range. If that is the case then you should strongly consider the advice of your doctor, therapist and family. If they and you do not feel that the anxiety is under control then delaying college until it is should be considered. That is okay. My daughter took a year off to get her anxiety under control. Best decision she ever made. She finished college and has started a successful career. She still battles her anxiety daily but she has found the balance.
If your anxiety is at a manageable level and you have a support team in place then going away could work. If you are still in the process of finding the right combination of medication and therapy then you have a tough decision to make.
Do you have a therapist that you can skype with? Is there one local to your school? School counseling centers are generally not set up to provide long term therapy. They are more crisis management.
I would normally encourage student to take the leap. That this is all normal and will pass. All part of growing up. BUT if you have a mental illness then that advice goes out the window. Mental health trumps all. While many mental illness are highly treatable, it takes time and a lot of work, it cannot be rushed. Nobody here knows where you are on your journey.
Honestly I think you should start at CC if you are not able to do well at sleepovers and the like.
I think you should start trying to do sleep overs or visiting relatives and doing more things on your own so you can start to gain independence.
But going off to college with everything being new does not sound like a good plan. Yes you could start but the
n you might waste money if you can’t make it through the semester. Your goal should be to go off to school (maybe closer if possible) by your college junior year.
Thank you for replying! I did end up staying and am applying for community college here. Yesterday as I was packing to leave for college like I planned I got way too anxious even thinking about it so I knew I probably wouldn’t last up there. I just REALLY REALLY hope I made the right/ a good decision here…
As a person struggling with mental illness, I’d say it’s good that you have chosen the avenue that feels safest for you for now. What works for neurotypical people wont always work for those of us with conditions. I think my own decision to take my first couple of years at community college was a good decision, and got me ready for a larger university experience. The larger university I’m in now would have driven me crazy if I had went straight for it, the professors and faculty are not as supportive as the ones that were at the community college I went to, but now I’m acclimated enough to navigate it without as much support. Of course, you’re in a different area, but I hope your community college is just as accommodating and easy to navigate as the one I went to. The smaller campus and closer location, as well as the cost benefit, will be a great thing for you.
A plan that gives you the best chance to succeed IS the right choice. There the thing, in the vast majority of cases it does not matter how you got from point A to point B. There are many paths to achieve a goal. It sounds like you have a plan that works best for you at this stage.
“in the vast majority of cases it does not matter how you got from point A to point B”
This is pretty much exactly what I was thinking. Between going off to university or starting at community college, you have two good choices. Many students go either way and end up quite successful.
To me university sort of does two things. Most obviously it is a way to continue your education. However, it is also a way to get a little bit away from parents in an environment which is relatively supportive. Many students show up at university now knowing anyone, not knowing much about where they are, and having to learn to cope. Universities know this and have people there to help.
However, many students also start at community college for one or two years. There are many reasons to do this. Saving money is a reason for many students. Wanting to start college near home is another reason. Some students just prefer to start this way. After a couple of years at community college you will be two years older and more mature and should also be a bit more comfortable being in a setting that is at least a little bit closer to being in a university. This is likely to make the transition easier.
Keep ahead in your homework. Attend all classes and pay attention. Join a club or two in an activity that is interesting to you. Keep a calendar to remind you when you have to be where, and you should do well regardless of which choice you make.
