<p>What is your experience and what is your reaction? </p>
<p>Greeting you with a hug, a pie in hand, and making eye contact, or greeting you with a grunt a bag of dirty laundry? Glad to be home or seeming to despise every minute of it? Interactive or aloof? Concerned or indifferent to significant family issues? Giving pets more love and attention than family members? Waking up at noon or later, leaving without a word to spend the day with friends, then staying out until 4:30 a.m. when the curfew used to be 11? </p>
<p>How many of us have a child with a genius IQ yet zero emotional intelligence, and when does this change?</p>
<p>Keep in mind that depending on the college concerned, finals may be on their mind as they’re sometimes only a few weeks afterwards. </p>
<p>It’s a reason why I and several other classmates never went home for Thanksgiving. Going home may not only be a hassle travel wise, but may also cut into valuable studytime/head start on wrapping up fall semester stuff. One of my finals one year was only a week and half after the 4-day long weekend. </p>
<p>To some extent, this was also a reason why many friends who attended Harvard or schools with a similar exam schedule seemed “out of it” during the Winter break. </p>
<p>Not too hard to understand once you understand they don’t take their finals until after that winter break and that concerns/being mindful of finals is foremost on their minds. </p>
<p>In contrast, most of us undergrads felt much more free to let our hair down/relax during Winter Break as we don’t have to worry about impending academic assignments/finals as they’re all finished and over with until the next semester.</p>
<p>Moreover, sometimes some families’ expectations of their undergrad/grad student(s) being concerned with family stuff can also get excessive. </p>
<p>One reason why I tend to get wary over any talk of such matters was that I had an aunt/uncle whose expectations of such included attending so many family social events during the semester that two cousins ended up being “invited to leave” by their grad advisers for not prioritizing their graduate academic work/research enough. Some parents/adult family members either don’t understand/don’t care about how such academic expectations may need to take precedence over family stuff…especially non-emergency types like weekend dinner parties.</p>
<p>Mine is also exactly same as when he left in August, which is a relief, because we really enjoy his company. He is spending a lot of time catching up with friends. Wish we had him all to ourselves, but it’s not like he is totally aloof and ignoring us.</p>
<p>Our daughter’s school actually snet home a letter to parents in advance of the Thanksgiving break to warn us to be prepared for a variety of potential scenarios. It is a complicated time, as we go through redefining roles. Even if your child is difficult to live with during this visit, dont worry that that is the new status quo. It is likely just their reaction to trying to sort out many emotions and the temporary loss of freedom.</p>
<p>Here’s my perspective from a year out (D is a clg sophomore): they’re used to being on their own; they’re coming home for Thanksgiving for a variety of reasons, one of which is a) they need to do laundry and b) the cafeteria is closed. First Thanksgiving home, D had friends over, really late and really loud, and went out til 4 am. I was texting her constantly.</p>
<p>This year, she came home super early (Monday); did not ask to have friends over; went out in the city last night (I went to bed; did not text) and rolled in at…3? I don’t really know or care. She’s 20. If she can’t handle herself on a night out, she shouldn’t be in college.</p>
<p>My own experience: I remember fully worrying about coming home freshman year. Would they see that I’m now my own person? Would I seem ok enough so they’d let me go back? Would my friends from home still be my friends?</p>
<p>Sophomore year, I stayed on campus. I just didn’t want to go home. My life was at school.</p>
<p>I got a grunt, a very big hug, and a bigger bag of laundry. My S is always pretty good but this is the first time he’s even mentioned that going back to more papers and finals before the Christmas break is weighing on his mind. He said he hates Thanksgiving (although he enjoys the family time) because it just breaks up the work flow for such a short time–he just wants to skip over it.</p>
<p>My sons first break home we talked about expectations beforehand. The new normal means you might not have a curfew but we have work in the morning, be respectful. He was great and continues to be considerate. He brings home his rm on thanksgiving break as he’s from OOS. We just adore him and love having him here. They both love having a couple of quiet days away to decharge, sleep, and eat home cooked meals.</p>
<p>Things have been fine with my D although I do see a difference in her. She is more self-assured and mature. It has been a nice balance of time with me and time with her friends. I’ve really enjoyed seeing her friends also. </p>
<p>She is struggling a little bit with her friends though. Three of the girls are all at the same school, in the same dorm (although they were smart enough NOT to room together). Two others are roommates at a school less than 10 miles away. The third is within a 20 minute drive from home. They have all seen each other a lot and still hang out together a lot. My D feels like she has expanded her horizons a lot more than they have. She is most comfortable with the one other friend who is at Wellesley. They have a lot more common experiences. </p>
<p>While she’s been home, she has talked more about her daily life at Barnard. I have a better feel for how she spends her time, aside from class. This break was short and quite a whirlwind. I think she might have a harder time when she’s home for 3 weeks over Christmas. Although, she also won’t feel so pressured to see everyone because there will be more time. Curfews, etc. haven’t been a problem because everyone has been coming to our house to hang out.</p>
<p>While I wouldn’t say I hated Thanksgiving, I felt similarly that it broke up the workflow at an inopportune time. My solution was to stay on campus, have the Thanksgiving meal experience on campus and/or at a Prof’s/local resident’s house, and use the extra time to finish research papers and prep for finals. </p>
<p>It did help that my LAC’s cafeterias were open and served Thanksgiving themed meals…including plenty of turkey and eggnog. :)</p>
<p>How much of this is the kid’s behavior vs unrealistic expectations of the parents. Do you really think a college student needs an 11:00–or heck, ANY curfew? How affectionate was he before he left? What can he do about these significant family issues? What was he doing about them before he left?</p>
<p>My son seems more confident and independent than he was when he left in August. He has not been difficult at home though. He went Black Friday shopping with his brothers after the football games, coached his brother in a wrestling tournament, visited a few of his friends and went to the Miami Heat game with his brothers. He didn’t have a curfew when he was home. He is an adult and we trust him to act like an adult.</p>
<p>He is a very family oriented kid and he was happy to see his brothers. When he lived at home they did a lot of things together and we caught him looking at the Miami Heat tickets and lamenting that he could not afford to buy three of them. So we surprised him with the tickets and they all went together last night.</p>
<p>He had some school work to do and he spent some time during the day yesterday doing it. He says he is looking forward to winter break when we are going to the Keys for a few days. He wants more time to visit us and visit with his friends.</p>
<p>AlmaPater, it is difficult for us parents to adjust to our children growing up and arriving home for college break a little different than before, myself included. Some children will always show a little more maturity and independence than others. I believe that we all have done our best to raise responsible, intelligent young people. The first visit home, (usually Thanksgiving break), is an awkward time for everyone, oftentimes not knowing what to expect. I agree that a talk with your S or D prior to coming home regarding expecations is wise.</p>
<p>Our D came home for Thanksgiving and brought laundry and coursework. She did laundry on her own, joked with her siblings, ate dinner with us, and studied. She went back early, very conscious of upcoming final exams.</p>
<p>Daughter came home happy as a lark - loves her new friends (much more than her old friends) - did get to see the old friends one night - otherwise hung out close to home (did some shopping). However, she did say several times how much she missed her friends and was happy to be going back today.</p>
<p>I think the bigger issue will be at the Christmas break - three weeks will be a long time to fill.</p>
<p>Our DD seems a little thinner and talks a bit faster, with more glancing wit and perhaps a little more wry? I guess more “adult” is what I’m trying to say. My fudge cake turned her into a little girl again, though. She is enraptured with her comp sci class and spent much of the vacation curled up with her laptop coding something that translated our voices into pretty colors on the screen.</p>
<p>The old sense of humor is still there, with a greater sense of confidence after having managed to resolve problems on his own far away from home. I enjoy watching the transition.</p>
She is enraptured with her comp sci class and spent much of the vacation curled up with her laptop coding something that translated our voices into pretty colors on the screen.</p>