<p>My daughter is a freshman at a school 3 1/2 hours away. Growing up she was always a bit inmatureinsecure,attached to her family, had a small group of friends, and struggled in school. In her junior year of HS I saw a big change in her. More social, started driving, working, and briefly dated 2 boys in her senior year of HS.
I was not sure about her going away to school, didnt know if she could handle it academically and socially. She started school last week of Aug., loves her school, is best buddies with roommate and has a very small social group. She has struggled academically, she started off on the wrong foot but has since worked harder , spoke with advisor and teachers and set up some tutoring.
She started dating a boy the 3rd week of school, which i was not happy about. I feel she should be more focused on school, campus activities and general socializing. So yesterday over a text in a very round about way she tells me sheis now sexually active. I was shocked but I think I handled it ok. First concern was her safety, she said they were being safe, using a condom. How safe is just a condom. So I asked her to please go to health office monday and see if they can set her up with birth control. Second concern, her emotional health. I wonder how she is really handling this, and how in the future it will effect her is this does not work out. Third, I really feel that this has been a big distraction in her school work, campus involvment etc.
I am divorced so cant talk to her dad about it. Don't want to speak to her sibling about it right now, and my friends are grear , but we are one group and it will be the talk of the group for weeks and probably with their husbands and kids who are my kids friends. So I am putting this out her to the parent forum to see if any of you have any words of wisdom for me. Also she is the type to forget to take the pill daily, anyone have any experience with the birth control injections? I have to do some research. And can you believe, when I found our she was dating this boy i made an appointment with the GYN for thanksgiving break so she would be more educated and prepared when the day came. What a fool I am!</p>
<p>Sounds like she is acting responsibly and you were smart not to comment or judge other than to encourage her to go to the health center.
When I was in my 20s, I did the Depo shots, and can’t say that i recommend it. I suffered from the worst of the side effects: weight gain, loss fo sex drive, lower metabolism. Some friends have had luck with the patch and a teenage D of a friend is getting the hormone ring. Of course, the pill is a popular option, and it could make her more responsible by forcing to take it daily. </p>
<p>You are not a fool for making the Thanksgivin appointment. After all, since you are not there it is hard for youto gauge the changes and the intensity of their relationship. She is an adult and your role will change at this time. She may end up with a broken heart, have a bad breakup, or she could learn how to handle it in the same way that we all did. Trust that you taught her well and encourage her to keep communication open.</p>
<p>Your not a fool. Your a good mom who has kept open the lines of communication so your DD felt comfortable revealing this info to you. You have encouraged her to go to the campus health center and reinforced safe sex with condom use. She can follow up with the appt you made and get more info about effective birth control that will fit her needs (various hormone, IUD ect) but condom use should always be a part of that too. Sounds to me that you have done everything right. As to distractions there is only so much we parents can control and this is all part of growing up for her. You can continue to guide her and keep the lines of communication open.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t assume that having a boyfriend takes her focus off her studies. I studied more after getting into a relationship in college. We studied a lot together and did a lot less partying as a couple than we did as singles. </p>
<p>It is a good sign that she communicated with you about this - even in a round about way. Just be a source of info with no judgment. I also wouldn’t assume that she won’t be responsible about taking the pill. Hopefully if she has any trouble remembering, she will enlist the help of the BF to remind her. It is in his interest for her to remember too so between the two of them, remembering shouldn’t be a problem.</p>
<p>Hugs to you. My daughter is a senior in hs and became sexually active, and though I wish she’d waited, what can you do? I’m a pediatrician, I keep an eye on statistics. Waiting til now means your daughter (and even mine) are older than the norm, if that helps you at all…!</p>
<p>DepoProvera is very effective, but does have some side effects, including weight gain (which is why many young women don’t like it) and other hormonal contraception side effects. Low dose oral contraceptives (OCP) work great, but yes, you have to be confident she’ll take them responsibly. IUDs are not recommended for young women usually. Maybe a combination of diaphragm and condoms? I think you’re really smart to make an appt for Tgiving. </p>
<p>I think your worries are justified; I fell in love my freshman year and did go through all the heartache, etc. But it’s just part of life. You’ve given her the tools to deal with it, and she knows you’re there for her. Just keep the lines of communication open. The patients I see who can talk to their parents (moms, mostly) are the ones who go into love with confidence.</p>
<p>I’m not going to lie- it’s difficult to remember the pill. I’m 20, been on the pill on and off since I was about 14 (medical issues) and it’s hard to remember even though I’ve been on it for quite a long time. With that said, I just use the pills and condoms. I’ve never had an issue with it (neither has the guy) and I’ve been sexually active since I was 15. One way that really helps is keeping my pills in my backpack and setting an alarm on my phone. She and GYN will talk about what options are best for her. </p>
<p>The fact that your daughter felt comfortable enough to tell you is a great sign. My parents and I are very close and I still didn’t tell them when I became sexually active (they knew, but we never talked about it). That’s a very good sign of her emotional maturity. </p>
<p>It’s not necessarily distracting to have a boyfriend. Ever since getting a boyfriend at the same college, my and his social and academic lives have gotten much better. We go to some parties together, but often prefer to stay in or leave early- much different than when we were single. We also push each other to get our work done. Since dating, our grades have both improved significantly. </p>
<p>Now, if it’s a bad relationship then that’s different. However, that’s honestly up to your D to figure out. I’d say if she’s comfortable and mature enough to tell you about her sex life, then she’s probably mature enough to figure out whether or not her relationship is good or bad. Either way, it’s a natural part of life and usually turns out for the better for both people involved. </p>
<p>Still ask her to go to that GYN appointment. It’s a good idea even if she’s already active. You can never get too much information or be too prepared :). I would highly recommend that you ask your daughter and her boyfriend to go get an STD test right away. Even if he claims to be a virgin (don’t know if he has, I’m just saying), it’s always a good idea. Condoms break and accidents happen. Better to be safe than sorry. If he has an issue with it, then your D needs to get rid of him IMO. If you care for someone, protecting their health should be a pretty high priority. Clinics on/around campus usually have STD testing for free or for a very small fee. </p>
<p>As a woman around your daughter’s age, I’d say you’re doing everything right. You’re not a fool. I would just try not to worry <em>too</em> much unless you start to see major negative changes in your daughter.</p>
<p>Hey noclux - you are not a fool! You are a caring mom who apparently has a trusting relationship with her D. {{Hugs}} to you! I truly understand your concerns, but heck, this is life. Perhaps she’ll be motivated to take the daily BCPs. They are a bit more important than vitamins.
However, I still would - and do - recommend condom use.
D is a junior and has been dating the same guy since end of Freshman year. Although her grades have been and remain very good, his have improved thanks to lots of study time together. Having a BF/GF doesn’t necessarily mean the end of all other social outlets but it is a possibility.</p>
<p>^^^Yes, our son’s gf’s grades improved after they started dating and his did not decline.</p>
<p>Try to see the positive instead of the negative. Praise D for being honest about this new phase of her life. As time goes on, there will be many times that she will do things differently than “Momma’s Optimum Choice.” </p>
<p>Make a list of the horrid alternatives and visualize them. She’s in college. She’s not on skid row. She’s got a boyfriend – not multiple guys “with benefits”. She’s communicating with you – not screaming at you or giving you the “I wish you were dead” spiel. </p>
<p>She’s not perfect – but she’s working hard. How many parents of selfish, destructive, addicted, entitled children wish they could trade places with you? Thousands. Maybe millions. </p>
<p>So, start learning how to ask interview style questions (questions that get you a paragraph in response instead of “yes” or “no”). Try "Will you tell me about Bubba? Tell me how you met? What’s his major? Why that one? Does he have an opinion on . . . (politics, dogs, public transport, Occupy Wall Street, rock and roll . . .whatever). If you show a genuine and caring interest (without putting the guy under the microscope) you might just find that D has picked a decent, sweet charmer. Oh, to be so blessed!</p>
<p>Been there. I’ve encouraged my kid to use birth control too. I had a heart-to-heard with my D though, and suggested that she keep the birth control quiet. IMO, there might be more pressure to have sex if the partner assumes that a girl is sexually active as a result of knowing/hearing about the birth control. (Your D should also still want her partner to use condoms, because of things other than pregnancy.) It’s a personal decision, and nobody needs to know what she’s doing.</p>
<p>My kid didn’t want to hear it, but I also gave the lecture about the fact that many girls are wired differently than guys. I’m speaking in generalities here, of course. There are as many exceptions as there are people in the world. However, I think all of us know a girl whose heart was broken because her emotions were involved and she thought having sex solidified a relationship while the guy was just…having sex. There are still people who have a double standard too, who will criticize a girl with a large number of partners and who will pat a guy on the back. A girl in a relationship doesn’t think that she’ll be that girl with multiple partners, since she’s in love. If she’s 18 or 19 though, she has to weigh whether sex is going to be a part of every relationship with every boyfriend that she has in the future. She has to learn to think about the timing and depth of relationships before she takes them to the next level. It can be a painful learning process. </p>
<p>It doesn’t have to be a bad thing for studies. Sometimes a relationship can settle people down so they actually study more, and miss some of the partying and casual hooking up that happens in school.</p>
<p>I think it’s admirable that your D trusts you enough to start to talk to you about these things. Instead of pulling away or hiding her life in college, she feels safe enough with you to talk. Very impressive, Mom! Good job.</p>
<p>First of all, over 35 years ago I became sexually active several weeks into freshman year. (We eventually got married and still are–how about that?). I’d say this is pretty darn normal, both then and now. (But I never breathed a word to my parents–different times.)</p>
<p>Second, my D has been on birth control pills, as well as other medication, for a year. She has ADHD and forgets everything–but never her meds. If it’s important enough to someone, stuff somehow gets remembered. I bet OP’s D never forgets to brush her teeth in the morning…</p>
<p>She needs to use something more that a condom.
The Pill or the Nuvaring are good for her age group. The Nuvaring delivers lower doses of hormones directly to the female organs: it is a flexible ring that is inserted into the cervix and left there for three weeks. Then it is removed, and there is a light period that week. Insert new one a week after removal.</p>
<p>It is great great great that she let you know!!
You can be her buddy about this- having a good general discussion and then dialogue is a lovely thing. I always emphasize sexual health AND emotional health (is he treating you well? etc.)…</p>
<p>Yes, she now needs a gynecologist. It is good for her to get checked for STD’s and UTI’s periodically. It is great if you find one that the teens and college kids like!</p>
<p>Bets of luck. We are here for you.
They all grow up and do this at some point- it is just such a shock when it happens!
Take care.</p>
<p>seconding each and every point from performersmom.</p>
<p>The fact that she is talking to you about this is HUGE. Suggest that she look at Nuvaring.</p>
<p>If she’s talking to you about this, obviously you’re doing something very right and you two have a good relationship.</p>
<p>I don’t have much to add to what everyone else has said except that if she does use the pill, in case she forgets to take it, maybe it would be a good idea for her to keep Plan B on hand. Hopefully her boyfriend is a really nice guy.</p>
<p>Im going to be the dissenting voice here. Make sure the bf continues to use condoms, and make sure she gets into that habit. Aids cant be fixed. Quiet a number of boys will dispose with condoms when they know a girl is using other contraceptives. Do not let her gamble with her life on a boy. Yes, its true that it is rarer to contract aids in a heterosexual relationship, but you dont want your daughter to be that tiny statistic either. The pill and other hormonal contraceptives? Research what Memorial Sloan Kettering has to say about them, and then be horrified. Get her a diaphragm as Jayling suggests. But please make sure she understands the cardinal rule of “no glove, no love”.</p>
<p>mhmm^^ do you have a link?</p>
<p>mhmm, I don’t think you are in a minority. I never intended that my suggestions regarding her birth control should ever mean that condoms should not be used…</p>
<p>Condoms and dental dams, everyone!!!</p>
<p>Yes, I meant condoms PLUS another form of BC.</p>
<p>Lots of young women taking birth control pills use the alarm feature on their cell phones as a reminder to take their pill each day. Makes sense to me.</p>
<p>D keeps bc pills next to toothpaste and takes them when she brushes her teeth since she brushes her teeth every morning. It’s a good system.</p>
<p>Nothing else useful to add to the other posts. Don’t worry too much, if you can help it. It’s tough to see them grow up, but it’s better than the alternative.</p>