It’ great to hear that he is home and trying to catch up, and that the interactions have been positive. At these hard moments in life, relationships are so important.
I don’t mean to be a downer (and you can tell from my head in the sand comment that I have been there), but what is the plan for preventing this situation in the future? Is your son in therapy? Will he have frequent meeting with advisors? Will you hire a time management coach? Etc.
It sounds like he is happy socially, or I would be asking if he has considered finishing the year as best he can and regrouping, maybe community college and work. But it sounds like this is a really good school for him and he is only a freshman so things should probably turn around,
Enjoy his visit despite the stress!
I just found out that he has stopped going to several classes and will probably fail 2 or 3 classes. He is aware that he will not be going back.
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Hugs to you. I wish you all the best navigating this time.
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So sorry that he continued to struggle. Big hugs to you from me too!
Just want to put this out there. Make sure you have your son assessed for depression and/or anxiety. Many, many moons ago when my husband and I were in college, my husband went through a similar situation. He stopped going to class and stopped doing his work. In reality he had undiagnosed depression and anxiety that finally became very evident in college (even though he had symptoms of it all through highschool) For hum, he would see all his assignments and just feel overwhelmed and then shut down. To everyone else it looked like he was being lazy and just didn’t want to do the work. From experience, even the thought of having to go see a counselor or study center for help would have been overwhelming and a reminder of how he couldn’t do the work, causing him to do even less. On the outside, it looks to others like they don’t want help or don’t want to try. Sometimes it’s just too much. In our case, Zoloft was a game changer. From my experience, too many times we miss symptoms of depression. This is coming from someone who would have never understood or recognized the symptoms until experiencing it first hand in a loved one. Good luck
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In this kind of situation I felt it was best to welcome the kid home and not go near any judgmental attitudes or punitive actions.
Executive function issues are enough of a barrier, but if you add depression or anxiety or even addiction to games, the situation is complicated. And he is an adult and may not agree to therapy or meds. You can provide refuge but let him come to you about what to do.
When my kid left school they worked for a bit, did community college p/t and work p/t the next year, then continued working and entered a degree completion program at a small private college that has an “adult learner” program, and after 7 years is getting BA. Social life has been okay this whole time. At first they lived with me, then got an apartment with friends.
We parents sometimes have to let things unfold and just be there when asked, and in whatever way is needed. Every kid is different, but I imagine some kind of structure will be important going forward.
One other thing, a friend’s son did National Outdoor Leadership School, which is a wilderness program, in a transitional time like this. For some kids that might work. Another kid, the son of my MD, did WOOF. I know another young man who did a wooden boat building course.
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I don’t know if this is a possibility, but is it possible to get an academic withdrawal from all his classes to avoid Fs?
I really, really wish all of you the very best.
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Good point that usually gets raised. If he gets a diagnosis and a provider will help with documentation, he may be able to get a medical withdrawal (including a retroactive one) that wipes this semester’s grades clean, and even may avoid W’s. It is okay for a parent to inquire about this in this situation, but he would have to talk to someone who can diagnose and document.
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Sorry to hear about your son’s struggles. College can be a tough time for a lot of reasons and he is not the only one having a hard time.
Most important is to get his mental health assessed and try to get him the help he needs.
Academics is secondary, but reach out to the Dean of Students’ office. @mynameiswhatever gave good advice to see if a hardship withdrawal can be obtained. If not, filling out the formal paperwork for a leave of absense is a good idea. Returning to this particular school might or might not be a good idea, but it’s best to not burn any bridges on the way out. Some schools make it hard to return if you just go away.
From there, make sure he knows life isn’t a race. There are lots of paths that don’t include a BS degree exactly 4 years after HS.
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Thanks for the information. My son is exactly like your husband. He is overwhelmed by the assignments and will not seek academic help or at the counseling center.
I am having him evaluated when he returns home.
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Thanks for the kind words and the suggestions.
My freshman took a medical withdrawal in October, no medical documentation needed. He has since been in therapy, and is medicated for depression, anxiety and mood disorder. We had a full neuropsychological evaluation done and have gone over the results with his therapist, super intelligent, no adhd but some executive function issues, depression and anxiety. He’s taking a class at a local college this summer, and plans on taking more in the fall, has been working part time DoorDash ing, reffing and working at a soccer stadium, will lifeguard this summer. We are working on getting on a regular sleep schedule and not gaming all night. It’s hard, his twin had a fabulous year academically and socially (straight A’s and having the best time if her life), his older siblings rocked college. I think Covid was his downfall, took so much he loved away.
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@Mjkacmom Were your son’s grades wiped clean? I think we needed documentation for that (and also for tuition refund insurance). I don’t remember if we needed documentation for the medical leave versus regular leave of absence, itself.
Coming back involved a lot of requirements for a medical leave that are not required for a leave of absence- work or school done successfully, meeting with s chool MD etc.
My kid did exactly the same kinds of things when they came home, as your son has.
Thank you for bringing in the topic of COVID. So many kids are struggling and for some reason COVID if often not considered as a factor but added on to other challenges it is huge!
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His grades were wiped clean, but he was a few days away from the final withdrawal date. We are now in the process of gathering documentation for tuition insurance. I think we are just waiting for his college to send receipts for tuition and fees, will call today. Hopefully we will be able to get some money back. Good luck to your son, I think how my son does on his summer class will give us more insight into his current capabilities. Every time we get frustrated, we look back to October, when things were much worse, medication has helped a lot. It’s been a very expensive year, probably over $10,000 in medical expenses not covered, although we did just hit our first out of network number.
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If you get tuition refund through the insurance you not only get all your money back but they pay you any financial aid received so you may actually get more than you paid.
We didn’t get any FA except the federal loan, which we already paid back. We did get a partial refund of tuition, hoping to get the rest through insurance.
That “wiping clean” of the bad grades can be essential.
Lots of people have problems, and having a fresh start without being dragged down with grades that are probably not a real reflection of a kid’s abilities is a great way to get back on track whenever it’s appropriate.
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Consider the option of incompletes, which can be a boon (student finishes up the work over the summer, gets the credits), or a bust (student won’t do the work, no matter what, and they eventually wind up with an F).
In the past, one of my kids withdrew from a class (physical illness during a very heavy semester), and regretted it later on, realized after the fact that they should have taken an incomplete, and finish the rest of the work up later on).
Agreed: all options on grades should be explored. My suggestion for a withdrawal was premised on the fact that it’s very likely very late in the semester/quarter today. If there’s no possible way to boost those grades, withdrawal might be the better option to preserve the chance at the fresh start.
But your point is well-taken: all of these ideas are worth exploring in detail, but relatively quickly before the die is cast.
In my son’s case, we knew it would be a huge risk to send him back to live on campus to complete his courses, he will need to live home (and it was strongly suggested he contact the disability department with his diagnoses and request for accommodations). In order to be enrolled at the college close to home he had to unenroll from the other. It was a tough decision.