<p>It might be easier if the RA could bring up the subject, i.e., “Several people have mentioned to me that…”</p>
<p>I absolutely think directness is the best policy here, not dropping hints with gifts of deodorant or by doing his laundry for him. First, he may not get the hint, but more importantly, if he catches on, he will feel worse because his roomie is indicating it is something too embarrassing to talk about. I would try bringing it up in a somewhat casual manner in guy language when he´s using the Febreze: “dude, sorry but you´ve got some b.o. issues and it’s stinking up the room”. (sorry if my impression of teen talk is off-base). The idea is to not make it into a bigger, more shame-inducing issue than it needs to be. He could really help this kid by being honest.</p>
<p>I think its interesting that the roommates mom was/is so concerned with hygiene and, yet, here you have her own child who has such an obvious problem with it. Is it a coincidence? I just think it odd that the mom made a point to comment on the clean appearance of your son and her own has proven to have poor personal hygiene. Maybe there is a connection between the roommate’s behavior and his mom’s issue. Is he rebelling? I hate to play amateur shrink but it seems a bit weird that the conversation came up when you first met and now this.</p>
<p>Hi, Irishmary. I think the best advice offered earlier in the thread is to let the RA handle it. My son has been an RA for almost three years, and honestly, they are trained to handle sensitive issues. In addition, it would be wonderful if this young man could address this situation for his own good. What good will a college degree be, if one’s hygiene is so poor people cannot bear to be anywhere near you? My brother-in-law had severe OCD when younger, and somehow this affected his “showering abilities.” Only after seeking therapy (and medication) was he helped. Have your son speak to the RA; as I recall, they had to address all kinds of scenes in role-playing situations in order to qualify for the job of RA. Good luck to you.</p>
<p>The roomate might not know the difference between antiperspirants and deodrants.
I have found this true with some of my friends that use deo—they dont perspire that much and are shocked when their kids smell.</p>
<p>Also antiperspirants take a while to activate and do their job. Some people several hours. So if it is applied in the am, the person is sweating before the antiperspirants can start to work. </p>
<p>I would have the RA talk to the roommate. And suggest that he clean all of his clothing, sheets etc. He should shower before bed and use the antiperspirant at that time. Then in the morning, he should clean under his arms–he can use a disposable wipe if he does not want to shower again and then reapply antiperspirant. (I had a strange sweating problem after the birth of my first child and did this and it worked.) </p>
<p>I would also recommend the stongest antiperspirants that he can buy. Also he should be drinking more water. (One last thought does the roommate drink a lot of alcohol? Boys can smell after a night of heavy drinking because they sweat it out.)</p>
<p>Good luck</p>
<p>I agree with wildwood11 - this is the only option IMO other than just living with it. In 5 years of dorm living (HS included) my S, who really hates a confrontation, learned that direct and friendly is the only way - subtle just doesn’t cut it. In this situation since the roommate isn’t offended by the febreeze or sheet washing he will be fine with they ‘hey, no offense but I use this and it really works’ - adding the dude where appropriate :)</p>
<p>Also, In S’s HS the shoes were definitely the culprit in a room of boys - well showered, clean and neat otherwise - the room just plain old smelled because of exercise clothes and shoes.</p>
<p>Cross posted with a few others, so I want to add that the RA can be of help but in my S’s experience they provided what he called ‘anti-help’ bringing too much attention to something that could be handled more directly with less shame factor brought about by including others.</p>
<p>There’s nothing wrong with your son telling his roommate, “Hey buddy, you reek - you’ve got to do something about it,” and tossing him a bottle of deodorant. My guess is that he’s not wanted to be too confrontational, otherwise he would have already tried this. I still think leaving him a “present” is a good first step. If it doesn’t work, he can try talking to the RA. If the roommate is a decent enough kid otherwise, your son may not want to make a big deal about it unless he is forced to.</p>
<p>
Some of us don’t use antiperspirants because we are allergic to them. If the OP’s son can’t bring himself to be direct (and I think that’s really the best approach) I’d see if the RA route would work.</p>
<p>Wow, thank you all so much for your thoughts on this matter! I think that the RA approach may be the best one in this situation. Their RA is great, he does alot with the boys (so he must know this is an issue) and I think that perhaps if my son, the RA and the roommate can have a private conversation that may be the best solution. My son is very non confrontational (except with his younger sister HAHA!) and I think that having the RA there will give him the courage to speak out and do so in a manner that is sensitive. Plus, his having a conversation with the RA present puts the complaint on the record so to speak. EPTR, I agree with you, I found it strange that his mother mentioned hygiene being a concern or rather her comment of “Thank God you look so clean”. Hmmm…my alarm should have gone off at that one immediately, although I found it almost funny, not exactly the first thing you say to someone!<br>
Someone mentioned the shoes and now something is coming back to me. While we were down there in Oct. I mentioned that the room smelled bad and this kid said it was my son’s shoes (cleats). I said “No, it is not that smell because I know that smell”. My son loves sports and plays baseball and I will be the first to admit that his cleats are awful!! I have told him numerous times to put them in a cleat bag and put the deodorizer balls in the shoe. Now that day the cleats were under my son’s bed (Ugh!) and I did tell him to put them in the bag when they are in the room. I will tell you that he is somewhat oblivious to that stench (everytime we got in his car last spring and summer I would go crazy) so maybe that is the case here. Maybe this kid just doesn’t smell it. Or maybe he thinks the problem is my son’s cleats. Either way this discussion has reminded me to talk with my son about the cleats so thanks for that. Oh brother, BO and smelly feet…anyone want their kid to stay with them for their college visit!</p>
<p>Aside from the negotiations (which of course should be done), a carbon air filter might help with both the rancid cleats and the stinky roomie. They’re pricey, but they work great and the smallest one could take care of a typical dorm room. Google site:allerair.com airtube for more info. I use a small one in the office to ward off the smells from my teammates’ lunches… and that weird, mildewy-smelling, sprouting potato on one of their desks.</p>
<p>lol–my S was just talking to me about a couple of his classmates with the same problem. S talked to one (a closer friend) about it. “Man, you really need to shower daily–and use deodorant!”
I think guys should be direct. They don’t take hints easily. I doubt the roommate will get offended. You can get prescription strength antiperspirant at chain stores. (My D is an athlete, and SHE uses it!)
Just buy him one (or two) and give it to him–“Here, you need this.”</p>
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<p>At my D’s college, there were no rooms that you could move to if your roommate had the swine flu. D got the flu and the next week, her roommate got it! He should be grateful that his college had a place for him to go to.</p>
<p>It is a good time in his life for your son to learn how to stand up for himself… “Dude, the body odor is killing me. Use these, please” (handing him body cleaning products and laundry products).</p>
<p>If he simply doesn’t have the gumption, have him go to the RA and the RA can deliver the message.</p>
<p>Why not be direct in a non-patronizing way? </p>
<p>Your S could point out that it’s weird that the roommate showers every day and does his laundry (except for the sheets), but smells anyway.</p>
<p>As rhumbob suggested, it is a good skill for son to learn to be direct with another and not hide behind a third person. Imagine how the roommate will feel if he is first approached by an RA, instead of son, who he will know to be the instigator anyway. It will be more humiliating for him to know other people are involved. Of course, roommate’s reaction will depend on his personality and I agree the RA should become involved if he ignores the request to take measures to solve the problem. But really, unless the kid is a real jerk to begin with, son should really talk to him first alone.</p>
<p>I know I have appreciated in my lifetime honesty from friends and family in all kinds of personal matters that I may have been oblivious to. They have helped me to correct things. I try to return the favor to my friends.</p>
<p>This situation has existed since the beginning of the school year. It seems the OP’s son is not comfortable using the direct approach, or he would have. That is OK, remember, we are looking at this from an adult perspective. Just because a situation “presents” itself, does not mean it is the right time for a young person to be “direct.” We, as adults, have (hopefully) learned that tactful skill at our own pace. While the direct approach is seemingly right, it is not up to us to know another person’s level of comfortability in situations. Hopefully, however it is resolved, it will be a learning experience for all.</p>
<p>ellemenope, just to clarify…my son’s university did not give him a place to stay while his roomie had swine flu. The kid came back from health services, handed my son a mask and told him he had it. Needless to say my son decided to leave immediately. The school’s attitude was that they had nowhere to put up the healthy students and they were just trying to contain the sick ones by confining them to their rooms. Lousy for those that were healthy. This happened 2 weeks into school and luckily my son had made friends with several kids on his floor that he felt comfortable staying in their rooms for a few nights. I have recommended that my son speak to his roommate directly and if there is no change to get the RA involved. He tells me that there is no way that this kid doesn’t know what is going on as he and several of the boys on the floor have dropped numerous hints. I hope he does it and I will be sure to post if there is any change. Keep your fingers crossed. Thanks everyone for your replies.</p>
<p>This is a really good example of the benefits of clear communication - whether between friends, spouses or roommates. Sometimes, dropping “hints” is not the answer. A good friend would state the problem, in a kind way, giving the other person the benefit of the doubt that they do not realize the severity of the problem. I’m sorry that your son had to suffer with this issue all semester long. I wish he had said something sooner. Sometimes people do not realize that they have BO, or bad breath, and need to be told. The issue has been addressed. I only ask that if it continues to be a problem, your son speak to my son directly. Thank you.</p>
<p>Is this really the roommate’s mother because frankly I have to agree with her. A friend - even if not a great friend - would state the problem directly. Frankly, I can’t believe not one kid on this floor gave the guy crap in a very direct way. In fact, boys (as a general rule) can be very direct with one another and seem to delight in discussing odor of any kind!</p>
<p>Unfortunately, because it wasn’t addressed as soon as it became any kind of issue, feelings are hurt more and … well, there is nothing worse than feeling like everyone is talking or snickering behind your back and trying to convince yourself you’re merely acting paranoid, only to find out you weren’t paranoid at all!</p>
<p>I can only hope that OP’s son can now sit down and apologize for not saying something sooner and learn that being direct is not the same as confrontational. Sometimes being direct saves another embarrassment and humiliation. Nothing confrontational about it.</p>
<p>I think it’s learned behavior. Perhaps the OPs son didn’t have occasion to hang much with other boys in such a way. Generally in my experience of spending days and nights with loads of teen boys overhearing their interaction they are pretty forward about stench, stink, body emissions and such LOL.</p>