Tell him to take the W, maybe insist. Tell him he can make up a story to tell people if that is what is important to him right now. Eventually, this aspect will not seem so important once he is feeling better about the other issues. Good Luck. My heart goes out to you. We are all rooting for your son!!!
Perhaps reframe your son’s choices so he doesn’t feel backed into a wall?
The choice is not: Withdraw, come home in shame, hide in the basement, eat cheese doodles OR stay at college and flunk out.
The choice is: Let’s put your health first and come up with a plan to make that happen OR ignore your distress and symptoms until they get worse.
If he is logical enough to understand that Health First is a better choice than Ignore until you are halfway there. The entire issue of college, credits, W’s, etc. is a very big (and dangerous) distraction to your son right now.
Hugs.
Withdrawing him and bringing him home would be the best option. I would talk to the school and let the know exactly what is going on. He needs a reboot and continuing on this path is not healthy. Bring him home and love him up. There is nothing wrong with delaying school, working for a year or going to community college. Bring him home and work on his problem. Both you and him will be much better off.
Get him home. Find out the reasons for the underperformance. Come up a plan to deal with them for a new semester; alternatively, look for a different college that fits him.
I think you need to go! Give him a hug. Tell him you love him not matter what. Tell him he’s not a failure. Then, help him get to the office where he should withdraw from classes. I don’t have enough experience with Fs vs Ws, but I do have a kid with anxiety. They DO feel like failures because, in their minds, they have tried to get through this. But, they just can’t. Your son needs an immediate appointment… with a counselor. If that means you go pick him up and take him to one off campus, then so be. It will be worth the expense. It’s a known fact that campus counselors have A LOT of patients and the wait can be long.
I know you are overwhelmed. But, right now, he needs you to be the strong one. Go give him that hug. Tell him it’s all going to be ok. As someone above said, this is not a race.
Sending you warm parent-to-parent thoughts and prayers.
Get him home. As I’ve posted here many times before, the best advice I received about my ill son was, “It’s not a race. You want to keep the ball in play,” meaning that you want to keep him alive long enough to get the help he needs. It’s brutal to hear, but it’s the truth. I lost a nephew to suicide. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy.
I have one child with schizophrenia, one with bipolar disorder, and one with anxiety. With lots of excellent professional help, all three kids are doing really well right now. Ws don’t matter. Getting well again is the ONLY thing that matters at this point. Hugs!!! I know what you’re going through. My oldest probably will never finish college, although he’s brilliant. My younger two look like they will. But all three of them are warriors and I’m very proud of them.
My heart goes out to you. If it was me and my son? I would have him withdraw and come home. I would hug him and tell him how much I love him and that his whole life is not defined by this bump in the road. I would see if we could take a family vacation to heal his wounds. Everyone needs to get away occasionally. Do not discount a geographic change.
All this means is that the college was not a good fit. That is all. Not that college is not possible or doable but it was not a good fit. Maybe he would do better commuting to a local school. (I know I did.) After he is home and relaxes for a while you will be able to talk to him about his experience and try to find out what about the college experience caused all this stress. It may be the school was too big and classes too large. He might like a small setting more like HS.
The main thing is to back off and reassess.
Good luck. And God bless you and your family.
I’ve been there with my child. You need to get the Dean involved immediately. Don’t wait until tomorrow. Your son definitely needs to come home; he doesn’t need to tell anyone why. Just say it’s for health reasons. The Dean should be able to give you advice and a plan. Also, the Dean can help with your son’s professors. From my experience, the Dean can be your son’s biggest advocate for a healthy future. That’s really what is most important.
This happened to my son. Here’s what we did:
Got him out of school. (Well, he flunked out.)
Got him into therapy.
Got him on meds.
Did not pressure him in any way, shape or form. Told him his one “job” was to regain an emotional and psychological equilibrium. No matter how long that would take.
Got him a retroactive medical withdrawal from school. It’s legal, possible, and schools do it all the time when the physical/mental illness was diagnosed after the fact.
Lots of us parents on this forum have lived this. You’ll find great advice and support. The kids’ recovery depends entirely on the kid, and the kind of help he/she gets. There is no rule, there are no time frames, there is no right/wrong approach.
Finally, just love him. (I know you do.) And reassure him that you know he’s trying, that there are simply unresolved issues he needs to address before he can start succeeding again.
My advice would be to urge him to withdraw. Contact the school and discuss the situation. Odds are, it will be supportive and concrete (this isn’t that unusual.)
Meantime, hugs to both of you.
Can he get a medical W? If not please W him. Go there. Help him. He needs you and your help more than college. Sending hugs.
In addition to the above, remind him that if he had mono etc he might well be headed home for the semester too—it happens for lots of reasons.
Yeah -He can tell his friends anything
He doesn’t have to share his reason for leaving if he doesn’t want to
It varies by school. With the University of CA system the withdrawal is actually better than a single semester, as they don’t take transfers until Junior year. With most schools even a single quarter/semester of grades will force you apply as a transfer. And if you have a bunch of C’s, D’s, and F’s you can guess how that would go.
With the withdrawal you can basically treat it like a gap year in terms of admissions and apply as an incoming freshman, and just put “withdrew for medical reasons” in the appropriate place on the app to explain the gap year. You can always provide additional information if requested.
Lots of questions come to my mind:
Question one: Did he over reach on his class choices? Some kids were top of the heap in high school, but end up in a competitive college with competitive kids and then exacerbate it by ending up in classes that are too advanced for their real knowledge base from THEIR high school regardless of GPA etc… If so, perhaps an overhaul of the schedule, dropping what needs to be dropped and keeping anything that can be salvaged.
Question two: Did he exhibit any of these signs in high school? Did he need you, his parent(s), to navigate, help with reminders about projects and homework, make sure he got up in time, manage his social life, etc. If so, perhaps he just isn’t socially and emotionally ready for college and a year of growing on his own outside of attending school might help.
Question three: Did he pick the wrong college? Colleges come in all sorts of environments…some are full of laid back kids and some are full of neurotic, stressed out kids and some are very large and it’s easier to find one’s tribe. Maybe he’s with the wrong tribe?
And finally real mental issues can pop up in this age group - It certainly would be of value to have him evaluated local to the college or if you can bring him home and also a complete physical ASAP because sometimes kids implode because they just never get their needed balance of sleep, exercise, diet, etc. in addition to time for classes and studying.
If your son feels embarrassed at withdrawing, having to leave school because he fails could be devastating. Please try to convince him that this is an opportunity for him to leave on his own terms. He can tell people (honestly) that he was having second thoughts about the school/major. He can say that he had wanted to take a gap year all along but he let other people talk him out of it.
While he can tell people anything, reframing a story that is a version of the truth will ultimately be the most powerful for him going forward.
My heart goes out to you both.
Have him withdraw. He can always say it was because of a family situation and that he can’t talk about it.
Great advice here, withdraw if he will agree but if not, don’t wait for a school counselor, you need to help find him a psychiatrist immediately - someone he can see once/week, talk to about coping skills, etc and assess if it is more serious than you may know. I feel for you, tough situation.
Has he been diagonise with a mental illness such as depression or anxiety? If so, a heart to heart talk with him is in order. Explain than this is an illness that should be viewed in the same way as a physical illness. That it is an medical issue that needs to be treated. That without treatment it will get worse. It will not majically disappear. Based on what you wrote, the stress of finals could be a diaster.
I doubt this is a result of being at the wrong college. It is very likely that this would have happen regardless of the school he attended. Having said that, it might be necessary/wise to consider a school closer to home where you can supply support. Being able to home home frequently can make a big difference.
It very well might be possible to return to his current after treatment if that is what he decides. A medical withdraw for mental heath should not prevent him from returning. The school will likely require proof of treatment as well as an evaluation determining he is stable enough to return. Every school is different and only your school can tell you haow this is handled.
I can understand how he feels able withdrawing and facing his friends. As other stated, tell him to say he withdrew for medical reasons or family issues. Very few people will be rude enough to press for details.
I would also suggest you reach out to NAMI - they are really helpful!
Just a side question but how far away is his current school. I ask because distance between home can make a huge difference.