Freshman year problems

Student Lounge College Life
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<p>Apologies in advance for the long post. I'm having some issues during my first semester of college and I was hoping you people could give me some advice. I go to a highly ranked school up East. I'm a book-smart person (perfect score on SATs and SAT 2s, etc etc, nothing special at my college) and I have plenty of decent, caring friends, but I have a problem with drugs. I've had a thing for drugs since high school but my first semester of college has really intensified it. And the fact that I have final exams coming up is just making the problem worse. (Somewhat ironically, I'm a pre-med, so I have a pretty heavy workload.)</p>

<p>My friends have always been concerned about this part of my life, and they've been especially worried lately, but I've learned over the years to block out other people on this topic. What other people have to say about my "risky" behaviors really doesn't influence me. The problem is, I can't really control myself either. I have a very addictive personality and lately my drug use has gotten out of hand. I feel like I can't think straight anymore. I can't concentrate on schoolwork. I'm still intellectually curious and when I do work my profs love it, but I have very little motivation left to do much other than party. I wish I could go back to my 16 year old self, when lucidity didn't take so much effort (or more drugs).</p>

<p>I just wish I could be normal. It's not the actual drug use that bothers me, because if that was ever going to stop me, it would have ages ago, when I started messing with heavy stuff. What bothers me is the underlying emotional mess driving my interest in drugs. I just don't know how to deal with that in a normal way. Plus, I'm spending ridiculous amounts of money on this habit (in the last month I've consumed packs upon packs of cigarettes, pot, hard alcohol + prescription painkillers/anxiety medication, amphetamines, ecstasy, coke, designer drugs, psychedelics, anything that gets me out of my mind.) I've never been seriously injured on any of these substances, but I routinely forget entire nights when I combine pills and drinking, and I've had a couple bad trips. I've been in some dangerous situations and some people have treated me badly. I've never been caught or permanently hurt, though. As far as my parents know, I've never even sipped a beer. Everything seems "fine."</p>

<p>If you look at that list of substances, you won't think of a student at a top 10 school with a 4.0 and a generally healthy life, but that's what I am. What scares me is that I can't ever envision myself stopping or cutting down on drugs. I honestly don't know what my limit is anymore (in terms of frequency or type of substance), and the fact that this much drug use hasn't stopped me is causing me to scare myself. It's gotten to the point where a drug-free day is an oddity and my drug use is escalating with every week. I hate to be so dramatic about it, but I feel like I ought to. I feel like this is isolating me from most of my friends, who don't understand the appeal of drugs. I feel like I shouldn't be capable of living this way...but I am. The only negative is that my friends are growing increasingly distant from me, and I'm slowly losing my intelligence. But I can't stop. Even after typing all this out I still see myself using because it's so damn appealing. Advice?</p>

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<p>Hi well that is a heavy and very thought provoking post. Very brave as well I might add. As someone who had a cousin to whom I was very close, that was at one time very addicted to drugs, and had the world at his feet, it was and still is devastating to our entire family to have endured watching such a bright and hopeful young man sprial down and out of control. Like you, he hid it well....until one day when he thought he was invinceable and got into a serious life threatening accident, once he was found out, his life went downhill. He was sent off and on for three years to rehab, etc.......it has taken him 8 FULL YEARS of nonstop therapy, doctor visits and constant supervisioin to get to a point where he is finally substance free, but sadly he lost his prime years, when he was accepted also to a top college but couldnt' go because he was entering rehab. Now he is nearly 29, has lost much of his focus, brain power and has permanent lasting effects that will prevent him from ever holding down a real and meaningful life, right now he has a very mediocre job and he is lucky to even have that. All his relationships with eveyone basically went down the tubes, it will take years more to make those connections again. What it did to his parents is beyond words, they have aged in every way twenty years, and went through a living hell.
You sound like a very bright, precocious and astute young adult, you THANK GOD are recognizing hopefully before its too late, how serious this is TRUST ME, IT WILL CATCH UP TO YOU...YOU CANNOT HIDE IT FOREVER.</p>

<p>I am not sure where and with whom you would want to start but you MUST seek help immediately. Your health and well being are at stake and the next time you mix these substances, may be the last, you don't know how much you are playing with fire. People deal with substance abuse successfully once they are willing to seek and receive help. PLEASE for yourself and your family speak to someone even if it just anonymously in the beginning. Just get the ball rolling. Please feel free to pm if you need to talk, an outlet or numbers of organizations that are equipped to help you , you need it NOW.</p>

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<p>Your school should have a counseling center that will likely offer a certain number of free one-on-one appointments and also be able to make recommendations of area programs/therapists/etc. If you'd be more comfortable talking to someone off-campus, your health insurance might cover it...perhaps you could talk to your parents and use a "cover-up story" if you're not yet ready to go into details with them (stressed, depressed, having trouble adjusting, etc.). </p>

<p>If you don't feel you can speak to your family just yet, try to speak to someone professional. (S)he'll be able to assist you far better than anyone here will be able to, although ctmom is correct in calling your post both thought-provoking and brave. If/when you do go to talk to someone, I might recommend printing it out and carrying it with you as an "ice breaker" (but I say that as someone who has trouble speaking about heavy issues face to face). </p>

<p>Your situation is very serious, but odds are good that your school has some sort of outlet for you to "get the ball rolling," to quote ctmom again. You should also be able to find various hotlines or organizations (perhaps a local chapter of NA, or another local group program) via the internet. There won't be any shortage of people willing to help you once you reach out to them.</p>

<p>Best of luck.</p>

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<p>stay away from the people providing you with drugs</p>

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<p>^ For someone who's addicted to the hard stuff that's really not an option.</p>

<p>The first question I have is: Do you think that you're addicted to the hard stuff (coke, amphetamines, etc)? Most of those drugs are highly addictive and habit-forming, so it might be impossible to quit without going through some kind of rehab/counseling situation.</p>

<p>It sounds like you're disillusioned with the world like just about everyone else is. Suck it up and realize that the sensations resulting from the drug use aren't the solution to the world's problems. Obviously seek counseling but the best thing I could tell you is to get involved in a few clubs for fun and meet some new people. Chances are you'll have less time to do drugs with these clubs and will have substance-free fun rather than relying on your "crutch" of drugs.</p>

<p>Take this opinion with a grain of salt. I'm a fellow freshman.</p>

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<p>Its difficult to imagine a student with picture-perfect academic records doing all that shiat and not stopping.</p>

<p>I know for damn sure that even a bit of pot can throw off my thinking and ability to perform (thus I limit my use). I can't imagine chemistry while sedated...</p>

<p>As you mentioned, you have an addictive personality + using hard drugs. This = addiction in most cases. It's hard to admit, but you never know. Get counseling...elite schools should have decent counseling staffs anyways and you need to get a diagnosis. Users here on CC can't give a definitive cause for your problems.</p>

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<p>Get help from your campus counseling center. I used to work at one. I know that they are experienced in helping students with the concerns that you described. Your treatment also will be anonymous. I also used to work in the substance abuse treatment and prevention field, and treated lots of young people, so my advice comes from experience. </p>

<p>Please do NOT follow the well-meaning advice from uninformed people who tell you to ignore your concerns or just quit. If you could just quit, I'm sure you would have done that already. Ignoring your concerns won't make the problems from your drug use go away.</p>

<p>You also can get help from the below link. There may even be a support group on your campus or nearby. I've given you the link to the demographic info so you see that you'd fit in. There are plenty of people who are young, students, professionals, etc. who have concerns about their drug use. One needn't be a hard core addict to go to meetings: FACTS</a> ABOUT NARCOTICS ANONYMOUS</p>

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<p>Thanks for all the advice. iljets, thanks especially for bringing up the point about getting involved. You reminded me that friends really do take my mind off drugs (at least the ones who don't judge or lecture incessantly). For now, I'm not too physically dependent on anything. I was addicted to a drug in the past, but when I lost my source I was forced to quit using daily. Cold turkey did work, but only because I didn't have a choice in the matter. Regardless of physical addiction, though, I've never been able to shake the psychological dependency. That part's only gotten stronger. That's why a self-imposed distance from drugs can't work for me right now.</p>

<p>I just don't know if I'm ready to seek counseling yet. When I think about counseling, treatment, and cutting down drug use, I just seem to want to use more because I'm forced to spend more time thinking about drugs/my "problems"/etc. Well, I got myself into this mess so I guess I can't expect an easy way out of it.</p>

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<p>I know seeking counseling is really scary, but what you said in the post above is exactly why you NEED counseling. It's very likely that you won't be able to cut your psychological dependency on your own. A counselor can help you think about the problem in a healthier way, hopefully one that doesn't want to use more.</p>

<p>Still, it's your decision, and I know with these types of things, YOU have to want to get better, no one else can force you into it. So if you aren't ready, find things that, like you said, take your mind off drugs. Friends, hobbies, whatever. You're obviously a smart kid... don't let it get to the point where it ruins everything you have going for you.</p>

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<p>It sounds like you might use drugs to replace something deficient in your life. Do you have some really close friends, or a romantic partner?</p>

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<p>I have both. I don't know why I use stuff, other than habit, and to cope with stress. I don't know whether that kind of insight would even help. That's probably something a counselor can figure out. Thanks for the advice. It's a big step, though, talking to a counselor.</p>

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<p>Here's something you can do RIGHT NOW, when your contemplating change. Not as good as face to face, but it's like cc for people trying to recover rather than get into college.</p>

<p>SMART</a> Self-Management And Recovery Training - Powered by vBulletin</p>

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<p>Get PROFESSIONAL help. You can't do this alone. And its only a downward slope from here. Please, seek out professional advice. There are resources on campus. Get your butt there NOW.</p>

<p>I lost my brother to drugs. He was only 33. He died two years ago. A superstar too, he was. But loved his drugs so much. Didn't see the downside. He really felt he could control it. Then rhe ationalized that as long as he kept up the functional parts of his life he could manage it. </p>

<p>But by the time it was blatant that he was unable to maintain the life he knew and control the drugs, he was way deeply entrenched and they controlled him. Physical addiction is very very real and very difficult to combat. You can not do it alone. But the sooner you get professional help. the easier it will be and the more likely you will be successful with it.</p>

<p>Please seek the support of someone who knows far more than I, or anyone on this board. </p>

<p>I wish you the best.</p>

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<p>I wanted to follow up because your post so bothered me, and I can't stop thinking of your situation. Clearly you are a smart young man, especially being able to keep it all together while abusing drugs is particularly challenging since most fall apart at some point. The thing is with the haphazard approach you seem to have in mixing and taking several different things, one day it might just be that lethal/wrong dose or mixture and this could cost you your life. Happens every day. Have you put your own needs aside and stopped to seriously think about the devastation this would cause your parents/family? Trust me from someone who has seen it with my cousin, it rips families apart and forever changes and alters their lives. Normally when someone does drugs or drinks excessively, there is a void of some kind. You want that high to get away from something else, yes it could be stress but there could be much more underlying than maybe even you realize. This is when therapy can be a life saving tool. There are so many many outlets, and avenues to pursue getting the help you truly need. If you are not ready to approach a family member, then by all means going to a professional who is ready and willing to help you is the first step. BUT the first thing you must ask yourself is do you want to quit? Are you ready to commit to doing what it takes to end this? You know the longer you do it, the more likely you are to go into adulthood severly addicted, and then the chance of something going wrong increases. You are young, and bright, your future is full of endless possibilities, you don't to throw it all away for drugs, think of your future family, children, career, spouse........do you see a place for drugs in that life? I really really hope you will at the very least make a phone call to get started even if you speak to someone anonymously. Its a start and it will be the best decision you ever made.Good luck to you.</p>

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<p>You can call your area mental health crisis center (in the blue pages) 24 hrs a day and be completely anonomous. They will give you some options and this will give you a real person to bounce things off of. It's difficult to do anything when you are as conflicted as you are about stopping. So rather then do nothing (which you are starting to realize isn't helping you) take a step and make the phone call. CALL. NOW.</p>

<p>Look, you only get one life so quit screwing it up. You have dreams of your future and getting high all the time is not going to get you there. CALL.</p>

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<p>I keep thinking about you also, since reading this thread yesterday. I know you say in your post you are "not addicted"; however part of my work in research involves neurological pathways in the brain that different drugs "work" through, and there is thinking in the scientific field that using certain drugs even one time can subtly change a pathway so that your brain desires the drug; you may not feel physically addicted, but the fact that you are scared of having to be without the safety net of drugs/alcohol indicates an addiction. Obviously, you are intelligent, on some level you know this. I feel for you; seeking help is not for the faint of heart, and I hope you will be one of the strong ones that will do so, as you have a lot to offer.</p>