<p>One of my D's best friends is facing a major dilemma at home. After two plus years of visiting and applying to schools mostly in the southeast (all with her dad taking the lead role) her mom has now said that she will not let her go to a school outside the state. Her top choice school is in the southeast (about 850 miles away) but her mom is insisting that she stay close to home, in fact she really wants her to go to the private school in our home town. Financially the difference between the two schools is around $4-5K a year and to be honest finances are not the issue. Her mother went to college in her home town and doesn't see why this is bad for her D.</p>
<p>Throughout the process her mother has stayed somewhat removed letting her father do all the leg work and her mother has not even visited any of the out of state schools. My D's friend is very upset, doesn't want to go to local U (which is really not a good social fit for her and she knows it) and does not know what to do. Her father has been trying to convince her mother that their D's top choice school IS the best fit but all that is doing is creating turmoil in the house.</p>
<p>My D's friend feels that her mother should not have let her spend two plus years visiting and getting invested in these schools and part of the country if she had no interest in ever letting her go away.</p>
<p>I am in an awkward position and a trying hard not to take sides bit I fear that her mom is driving a wedge between D and herself that she may not be able to repair.</p>
<p>Can anyone offer some advice or opinion on how to deal with this?</p>
<p>It could be that you’re only hearing your friend’s version of the story. Perhaps the Mom has said all along that she will not support her attending an out of state school so your friend turned to her father. Kids often play one parent against the other–when one says “no”, they go to the other parent.</p>
<p>Stay out of it. This is a family matter. Remind your friend that it is not the name of the school nor the location of the school that defines her future success. Remind your friend that wherever she attends college, she should give thanks that she is being given an opportunity to attend when many other kids are not as lucky.</p>
<p>I’m not sure how this would turn out. If the parents are married, and the dad has said all along that they would pay, how can they back out now? I don’t know how this gets resolved if money isn’t an issue and one parent is saying “yes” and another is saying “no”.</p>
<p>If the parents are divorced, then the dad can pay for her to go where she wants.</p>
<p>If the costs are going to get paid no matter where she goes, then she needs to go to her pick…the mom will just have to deal with it.</p>
<p>I agree with nysmile, just stay out of other people’s family matters because they are FAMILY issues, nothing else. If the parents are paying, they have the right to tell the kid where and where she can’t go. If the girl wants to pay her own way then she can go where she wants. So many college kids feel they are entitled to complete freedom from their parents yet they rely on them for all of their expenses.</p>
<p>This actually sounds just like a situation I am very familiar with. A friend of mine’s D wants to go to school in the SE (Virginia) and focused almost all of her college search process in the SE with only her dad along for the visits…mom has not visited any OOS schools. Dad is all in favor of D’s choice which is actually a very good school for her desired major (higher ranked than any Texas school she has been accepted to) whereas mom wants her to go to SMU or Baylor. SMU is NOT a good fit socially because of heavy Greek influence on the social scene but mom has more or less drawn a line on the sand. </p>
<p>It’s a bad situation all around and the D is miserable with the choices her mom will agree to while the dad (my friend) can’t find ways to convince the mom that she needs to let go which is really the issue here. Money is essentially the same because the difference between the two schools is about $5K excluding travel …parents can afford it either way.</p>
<p>I’ve spoken to him about “fit” and happiness being major contributors to undergrad academic success but he’s not the person who needs to be convinced. I was actually about to come here for advice on trying to help him myself.</p>
<p>Wiscaway - I’d stay out of the family matter. Maybe you could do some internet research and find 3 really great things about the local U to share with your friend.</p>
<p>To say a college isn’t a fit because of a certain “social scene” is not right. There is something for everyone at any given university. In my opinion it is more important to look at the surrounding city and what is offered outside of campus that what is in the campus. I’ve been to quite a few universities and there will be a group for any student at these universities.</p>
<p>If you are not asked, do not join in on family issues, period.</p>
<p>I sympathize with the mom, although I do think it is unfair of her to voice her objections now. My daughter wants to attend schools 1,000+ miles form home and I admit, it has taken some getting used to. She is my youngest and the thought of her being so far away makes me sad. But she is a smart kid, knows what she wants and it would be unfair of me to hold her back for my own selfish reasons. I have no advice other than maybe try talking to your friend and see if talking about it with someone outside the family can help her come to terms with her feelings. This is a difficult situation, a real lose-lose if the family can’t work this out to everyone’s satisfaction.</p>
<p>Why in the heck does “everyone” need to be satisfied with which school the kid picks?</p>
<p>Shouldn’t whether the kid is satisfied or not be the only consideration? I honestly don’t understand why Mom feels she has a right to be “satisifed” with her kids college choice.</p>
<p>This is all assuming money isn’t an issue, which the OP said it wasn’t.</p>
<p>The parents may need some outside help to work this out–probably not from the OP, though. Perhaps OP’s D could suggest to her friend that she ask her parents if they could talk it over with an advisor–a guidance counselor at school, a religious leader, etc.–somebody neutral who might be able to bring out what is really going on.</p>
<p>You have obviously never been to SMU. I live in Dallas and have been there often.</p>
<p>The Greek scene is so dominant and the wealth of students so obvious that I have never seen another campus like it. The student parking lots are full of BMWs, Mercedes, Land Rovers and Lexus. The girls exude money and privilege and the sheer number of diamond encrusted Rolex and Cartier watches and Louis Vuitton, Prada, Chanel, Gucci and Fendi “Spy Bags” would astound you. It is and always has been a school for Southern rich kids and sadly even today many female students are there just for their “Mrs. degree.” Walk around the campus and try to find a girl who isn’t dressed in designer clothes, hair nicely styled and wearing make up, diamond studs and pearls…it looks more like a page out of Lilly Pullitzer or Ralph Lauren ad than a typical college campus.</p>
<p>This is an excerpt from a blog written by a SMU lecturer that created a bit of controversy a few years back:</p>
<p>It’s been this way for the 30 years that I have lived in Dallas…and knowing my friend’s D as I do, it definitely would NOT be a good fit for her socially.</p>
<p>I agree with the notion of getting a third party in to help referee. I can’t wait to see what this mom will come up with next – trying to forbid D from taking a job out of the area? No dating of guys whose families don’t come from the area? </p>
<p>It is one thing when parents set a limit on what they will pay, and the child wants a school that is tremendously more than that, or when parents try to limit where a child can go based on a child’s mental or physical illness or limitations. But deciding that you can’t cope with your child being - gasp - 850 miles away from home is the sign of a parent with a problem. A big problem. Which, of course, becomes the child’s problem.</p>
<p>If the situation is truly as it’s presented, and there aren’t other issues going on, then the mom is being selfish and does not care at all about her daughter’s happiness. And to let D become vested in other schools, only to pull the plug at the last minute is outright cruel. That sort of behavior should not be rewarded.</p>
<p>The daughter or her dad should let mumsy know that forcing the issue can really backfire. Once D is on her own, she’s outta there.</p>
<p>My MIL is one of those clingy/demanding types. We reached a certain point and then moved very very VERY far away.</p>
<p>Sometimes a kid will say a school isn’t a good fit because of “the social scene” or “didn’t like the tour guide’s shoes” (one of my favorites). But trying to verbalize why a school doesn’t feel right can be difficult, so they’ll just pick out something seemingly random. It’s more of a “the school doesn’t feel right, not a good fit, and I can’t quite describe why it turns me off, but I’ll pick something if I have to.” So social scene is a good enough reason.</p>
<p>If Mom is driving a wedge between her D and herself, there is absolutely nothing you can do about that.</p>
<p>For the daughter’s sake, you MUST avoid the temptation to take sides, because she will need you later to help her see the positive aspects of the home town school, if indeed that is the outcome of this situation. Fanning the fires of her resentment towards her mother by speaking against the mother’s stance, or reinforcing the idea that the home town school would be a bad outcome won’t help her at all down the line.</p>
<p>I think both you and your daughter need to stay completely out of this.</p>