Friend Problems

Lately I’ve been thinking twice about continuing my friendships with some people, and I’m not sure I’d be justified in cutting them off. My closest friend of 10 years is integrating into a new friend group that no longer likes me because of petty fights I had with them over the summer. When my close friend isn’t spending time with her boyfriend, she’s typically with that other friend group, never really with me any more, like once a month at most. It definitely hurts because she doesn’t fight for her new friends to include me and stop holding their grudges that developed in the summer. She says she often suggests they include me but feels it’s none of her business to fight with them over it. I guess I just feel really lonely and abandoned and think that if I were in her shoes, I’d stick up for me more. I get the most upset about it at big events like homecoming and Christmas parties and prom, where I don’t get to hang out with her at the after parties or sit next to her because her other friends don’t want me there, and she always chooses them over me at those things. I’ve done everything I can to mend the broken friendships I have with the people in her new friend group, and I’ve told her how I feel. There was one time a few months ago where I stopped talking to her completely and focused on making new friends because I was tired of getting hurt. I felt happier doing that until she begged me to stop ignoring her texts and efforts to talk to me, and I caved in and continued our friendship again. I just don’t know what to do at this point. It’s my senior year and I want to get through the rest of the year and have a fresh start, but in the months to come until I’m able to do that, I know I’ll be miserable at the rate things are going.
I’d appreciate it if anyone has any suggestions or insight, it’d mean a lot. I know CC isn’t really meant for things like this, but I feel like this online community is really supportive and often does give really good advice. Please no hate, but if you think I’m completely overreacting, please don’t hesitate to let me know that. Thank you!

If she asks you to do something, decide if you want to or not. Don’t ignore the texts with specific invitations or questions. If you want to ask her to do something, do so.

Other than that, continue on with the expectation you will not be ask to attend things with her so make plans with other friends. You could ask her to join you.

I would absolutely broaden my friendship base… spend time with those new friends.

And if she texts and wants to hit the mall-- and you don’t have other plans-- then by all means go. But I would suggest that she not be the focus of these last months of high school.

Make prom plans with those other friends. And if you can get the picture of the two of you together, great. But don’t make her the focus of your social life.

But it seems to me as though you value this friendship far more than she does. I think, from what you say, she loves that imbalance, and that’s why she reacted the way she did when you found other friends. It looks like she wants you firmly planted in the sidekick role.

This is pretty much exactly what happened to my daughter last year. Once she realized she was worth far more than the sidekick role, she was so much happier.

Be polite and friendly to everyone. Let this particular situation play out. Keep your head up, smile, be kind. You will get back in life what you put out.

Reflect up on this situation as you move forward to learn from it, grow, and make sure you don’t repeat behaviors that got you in this situation.

New things are upon you as you are a senior. You will get a chance for a fresh start. Move forward. Be kind. Don’t talk about others. Be mature. Good things will happen for you socially.

Do what your heart decides and stay confident. No one can take you away from you. Be kind and mature, and know that even after a storm comes a rainbow. It will pass and you will find better people in your life.

Keep focusing on making new friends. Friends will come in and go throughout your life.* So making new ones is a useful skill to develop.

*This is not necessarily a negative thing. People’s circumstances and locations change. When you move away, you might find yourself talking less and less to that old neighbor who used to be a good friend. When you have children, you make new friends with parents of children of a similar age. When you retire, your workplace friends don’t invite you to lunch often any more.

This can be upsetting when you are young, even beyond. I grew apart from a childhood friend. We hung out occasionally, but not like when we were young. When she got married, I was there as a guest. A few years later when I was about to walk down the aisle, she inexplicably got very upset with me for inviting her also as a guest (evidently she wanted to be a bridesmaid).

As you get older, though, you grow a thicker skin and don’t take it personally.

  1. If you want to keep this friendship, do it one on one. Invite her over for a sleep over or something.
  2. Expand to new friend groups as well.

You won’t be the first kid who has been kind of dumped by a long term friend who found a more popular crowd. Happened to one of my kids. I’d say work on making new friends. I wouldn’t be rude to her or ignore her texts/calls, but I’d make other connections and plans without her.

@StudentBMA2 : I think that you are experiencing a period of growth and change in your life as are your classmates. It is helpful to accept that there are things within one’s control and social aspects beyond your control. Be polite & respectful to everyone, but do not depend upon them or on their friendship.

As a competitive distance runner and as a very strong student, you can control your time. Consider running more, adding some light weightlifting or other types of exercise. Take up tennis–which is a great social activity as well as great exercise. Read, write & study. If you schedule your time with healthy activities, you will grow & your concern with others will dissipate. Continue with healthy productive activities without depending upon others and the right people will find you. This is not easy. Teenage years can be quite hard. But this is normal.

Engaging in healthy, productive activities will result in self appreciation. You will like yourself for who you are & for your consistent work toward becoming a better, more self sufficient person.

P.S. In my view, you do not have “friend problems”. I think that you are experiencing growing pains. While never easy, better to do so now so that college will be more enjoyable.

Don’t let one person make you feel down. A true friend will always have your back and if she doesn’t maybe she isn’t a true friend. The thing about growing up is you often grow apart. Life is always changing and remember that change is good.

Never expect people to fight for you. You have to fight your own fights. If you want to be included, it’s your job to make them like you, not the other way around. If you find happiness when you distance yourself from your old friend, then pursue that path. Do not do something that makes you unhappy, but be ready to cut off all relationships with your old friend. Unless you know for sure that distancing yourself from your friend would result in a happier life, then do it – but BE CERTAIN. If you continue an on an off relationship, it can be unhealthy and lead to a sense of loneliness.

It seems that you are just trying to be friends with that group of people so you could be included. Trust me, DO NOT be fake friends with someone in order to pursue a relationship with someone else. That’s just silly. If you want to continue your relationship with your friend, invite them to more activities. Allow for more bonding opportunities. As long as you make the best of the time you spend with your friend, then who cares about how often you hang out. You can find your own group of people to hang out with that doesn’t include her, and then only spend time with her occasionally. This doesn’t mean your friendship is falling apart, it just means you would rather value having a good time than frequent bad times.

Hope this makes sense and is helpful