I’ve seen similar posts but thought I would write my own. I have been in college for two weeks (one week was orientation) and I have a terrible social life. In high school I was not the most social person but I had a smaller circle of close friends and I was pretty involved so I was generally busy after school and on weekends. College has been completely different. First of all, my roommate and I were paired randomly. She seemed nice when we first met over Facebook during the summer but as soon as we got to campus she seems to have gone out of her way to make other friends and we hardly talk. Most other roommate pairs here are close and they all hang out together in big groups. During orientation week, I did make a few acquaintances but when I tried to make plans I ended up tagging along with these other groups and felt like the odd one out. It’s only been two weeks but seems that no one is still interested in making new friends and social groups have already formed. Another issue is most people at my university are pre med or engineering or some other kind of STEM major whereas I’m doing political science. As a result, most of the friends I made during orientation have remained friends because they all share classes but I don’t and therefore can’t join them for homework or study groups. I have a few acquaintances who I get dinner with a few times a week but the rest of the time I eat by myself in the dining hall or skip meals. I can’t even stay in my dorm because my roommate constantly brings her friends into our room and they end up laying in my bed or sitting at my desk. I am hoping that as the school year progresses and I start going to club meetings that I will be able to make more friends but I can’t help feeling discouraged. It also doesn’t help that I’m pretty far from home so I can’t just leave on weekends.
Hang in there. College isn’t high school. Two weeks isn’t long enough to call yourself friendless. You have plenty of time to make friends. These early friend groups are going to morph and change constantly, and a lot of those people will not hang out with each other later in the year.
MANY roommates don’t click with each other. You coexist if needed. But you nip unacceptable behavior in the bud. Just say nicely “hey, I would rather people who visit you don’t sit on my bed.” If it persists, that’s what the RA is for.
Be glad you can’t go home at weekends. It’s been shown that students who go home at weekends don’t do as well as those who stay on campus. Please read this whole thread: http://talk.qa.collegeconfidential.com/college-life/2016222-to-those-who-feel-lonely-homesick-friendless-think-they-chose-the-wrong-school-etc-p1.html
I promise things will get better. Start volunteering. Get a campus job. Both are great ways of meeting people. Don’t hide though. And read the pinned post by @bopper at the top of the page on ways to meet people.
The previous poster has given you some great advice.
The only thing I will add is that I don’t think you should avoid your room because your roommate has friends there. I don’t think you should ask her not to allow her friends to sit on the bed or in your chair. I think it’s pretty common to use those spaces as furniture but when you want and/or need to come “home” go on in, put your stuff down and say, “I need to sit down.” Then join in the conversation and maybe you will feel a little more comfortable with this group over time. Maybe not enough to feel a full connection but enough to be in the “Hey, how’s it going?” category.
Hopefully you will get to know some other students in your classes soon. Sign up for any study groups offered and make casual conversation with those sitting near you.
IMHO I think it takes 3-4 weeks to start feeling comfortable as a freshman.
@student5436 Starting over in a new place is hard, and you aren’t alone! My S19 also has a situation where the suitemates have very different interests and friend circles. Some things I advised: Eat in your dorm dining hall (you start seeing the same faces every day - and don’t skip meals there!), study in the common room of your dorm and say hi to anyone who walks in, ask a classmate to go get coffee afterwards and talk about the class, go to the rec center and talk to the person on the machine next to you. It is early, and it will get better!
Join or start a club in your area of interest. If you are musical or athletic, join in playing a sport every week or in a music ensemble. Common interests will help you find friends. Also, once you get to more advanced political science classes, you will find your tribe. Freshman year is often pretty random, and difficult. Its not supposed to be easy to relocate and start over. Roommates often are indifferent to each other, but remember its only a nine month experience and you move on to someone you pick as a roommate. The freshman experience is miserable if you expect to become “friends” with a random roommate. My son said he and his freshman roommate only said one word to each other, once a week’’" Whats up?". The roommate was a gamer, and found his tribe, my son is more athletically inclined and found his tribe through soccer. Its OK to have nothing in common with a freshman roommate and a typical college experience in fact!
Finding lasting friends takes some time and common bonding experiences, so don’t depend on roommates. Most of the “pairs” you see now will split up in a month or two as social life at college is fluid.
@student5436, what kinds of activities/ECs did you do at home? Let us know, and maybe we can help you brainstorm. Also, what are some activities you always wanted to do/learn, but never had the opportunity to do? Getting involved will help break the ice.
Great comments here…just want to add: do your best to not be intimidated by your roommate’s friends coming over. This is very important because you’re establishing the dynamic in your relationship early on; you don’t want to let that feeling of being overpowered get entrenched.
You don’t have to be good friends with your roomate or her friends, but if they come over, you have every right to be wherever you want on your side. If you really dislike anyone sitting on your bed, make that clear to your roommate when her friends aren’t there but don’t sound angry (or too meek), just matter-of fact. Or, as @Empireapple said, if it’s commonly done and you can learn to be OK with it, just make sure you’re not pushed out. Just say, casually, with as much good humor as you can muster, something like “hey…scoot over” or, “you get the chair, I get the bed :)” or, “Umm, I need some room here.” Do it as if it’s not a big deal, but never forget that you’re entitled to your own room. Maybe go bake some cookies and pass them around to break the ice.
Do you get any exercise?Make sure you’re getting enough! Taking a run every day, swimming laps or working out in the gym can help ward off depression with an exercise “high”, help you sleep better and make you feel more confident in your own skin. That, in turn sends positive messages to others. A pro-active person is always going to attract others to you more than someone who feels defeated and gives off that vibe. (You might find a workout friend that way, too).
Others here are right! You don’t have to be an extrovert to get involved. You were able to make and keep good friends in high school. You can do this. It’s scary to take the first steps, but do something every day.
Thanks everyone for taking time out of your day to respond and for the advice! This is my first post so I wasn’t sure what to expect so I really do appreciate it! Just to give some more info for people that asked I signed up for some of the same activities I did in high school like model un, mock trial, the newspaper, volunteering, etc. I also signed up for a few new things like dance, improv, and women’s weightlifting. Most of these clubs haven’t started regular meetings yet but hopefully, they will help! I’m also definitely going to take your advice to start going to the gym regularly and study in the common room. I guess I just never expected to end up as one of those people who struggled to make friends because I never felt socially insecure in high school however I’m learning that this kind of thing happens to everyone, and I need to stay patient and keep trying.
That’s great, @student5436, I imagine things will start turning around soon. Please keep updating us…we long-term posters love to hear back how students are doing.
Good job! I think you are being hard on yourself. You aren’t struggling - it’s just that it’s all new and you are going through the process. Sounds like you are doing everything right and you will feel more comfortable in no time. One day, one week at a time! You’ve got this!
Exercise every day. Study in the library. These are activities that you can control & which will place you around others with similiar interests. Plus, by exercising your body & mind each day, you will improve your self esteem & confidence. No need to force friendships; better to let them grow naturally out of a shared interest or activity.
Also know that the friends you make now and think are “close” may not be your people at all by the time you graduate. When my daughter was a freshman she had about 10 people that she met in the dorm who all hung out together and sophomore year she even continued to room with one of the three freshman roommates and another girl from the group. By the end of sophomore year they all went their separate ways with different relationships and housing wants and needs. They were nice to each other around campus, but did not stay close friends all four years.
Go to the gym, ask to sit with that other person who is sitting alone in the dining hall and make small talk (who knows maybe they feel like you do), smile, be friendly, be open. Friendships will happen. And besides, wouldn’t you like a few real friends rather than superficial ones?