From a senior: Girlfriend - College problem, need some advice

Parents Forum
21

I don’t know what you’re majoring in, but most international students return to their country after studying abroad.
What will happen to her need to be in the US if neither you nor she can stay? The US is not required to immigrate neither you nor she, after graduation. Immigration rules are strict and US companies are hesitant to sponsor grads who need sponsorship. Its easier just to hire a US citizen. What will you both do?

She sounds insecure, clingy, and lazy. You will have separate housing and roommates; she can’t intrude on your roommate’s space. You have to take classes. You have to do labs. You have to study in study groups because professors are known to give group projects where you have to meet outside of the classroom. She can’t really tag-a-long. She needs to take classes and do well, or she will be kicked out.

It sounds like a mess that you will need to clean up and this will impact your grades.

22

Why are posters calling the GF “lazy”? Academically her stats are better than his - see original post. So at least in that regard she is motivated. Sounds to me like she is simply in love and wants to secure the relationship. Probably not a realistic expectation at this young age but that is why I urge the OP to speak up now. Could be a case of he sees the problems coming down the road but he is not ready to give her up yet either.

23

Because he is calling her lazy in his posts.

24

Am I the only person here who thinks she makes her decision (not making a decision is a decision) while she is influenced by hormones? A person who is that young sometimes makes choice like that. (Hmm…my kid is much older than either of them and sometimes I am not sure whether his decision is also influenced by this. I actually think she may be more level-headed than him!)

25

College decisions should be made independent of HS relationships. They just don’t last, sorry.

26

Worse things happen than going to UA with a big scholarship, or having your parents pay to go to a more prestigious university.

OP should attend UA.

Or attend some place his girlfriend gets in … if that is affordable, appealing, and he actually has applied.

The relationship will work itself out. If it is a good relationship, her commitment to you and the flexibility she shows are good traits for a happy future together. If it is an OK relationship, maybe you can vow to be friends and provide each other some much needed support in a new environment. If it is a poor relationship or ends badly, UA is a big place and transfers make the whole gammut of US schools available to you and her.

I would make sure OK works out and wouldn’t necessarily try to mess up a good relationship. While they are young, sometimes you do find the right person at a young age (most people don’t or aren’t ready for a real relationship).

It is possible that her parents also want her to have more coddled private school attention … but she wants to remain with OP. It is possible her parents want her to find someone else at another school. Or are worried she is making this decision purely to stay with OP (and who really understands other people’s relationships, let alone your 18 year old daughter).

27

At this point in your life you should do what is best for you, and not your girl friend (which is seems you are). She would be doing the same thing…both of you should think “What if we break up? Would I be happy here?”

Maybe ask her questions about if you were abducted by aliens and had to pick her own college, what types of things would she look for? Being in a more cosmopolitan area? near a city? Rural? Large school with American Football or smaller school that is more academically focused?

28

I’m sorry I don’t see the problem. Clearly she is excited about coming to the US and a priority is being with you. Perhaps she is intimidated by coming here alone. I know a couple who both went to University of Hawaii together after growing up on the East Coast. He is a great guy but would never have taken the iniative to go there. Everyone was glad he had the girlfriend to go with.

The only problem I saw in your post was that the parents want something more prestigious and she doesn’t want to let them down, as you said, so she may face a conflict between wanting to be with you and wanting to please her parents.

As for you, you should go where you want to go. If being with her is a factor for you, take it into consideration. if it is not a factor for you, then you have an unequal relationship where your presence is important to her versus college fit, but the same is not true for you.

I know so many young accomplished couples who are having long distance relationships. I actually thought it was refreshing that someone was putting the relationship ahead of ambition, but it is trickier when it is the female in this day and age- a male is applauded for it but somehow a female is expected to prioritize goals beyond relationship…

29

Eh, what’s the worst that can happen, then? You’re going, she’s going. You love her, she loves you.

You get tired of her and dump her because she’s a super clingy obsessive type that only wants to be with you and goes halfway around the globe to ensure that, and then she turns into a dumped ex-girlfriend stalker and creates drama, and your grades take a bit of a hit because trying to disentangle yourself from THAT is a drag.

No biggie. Welcome to college.

As for how to fix it? Break up with her now and see if she still wants to go to UA. Then if she does, romantically reunite on campus next fall.

30

In my view this whole issue exists because OP has not been entirely honest with this girl. She is operating under one assumption and he has done nothing to set the record straight. I get the distinct impression that OP is somewhat uncomfortable with his GF attending the same college - not entirely clear to me why. He says it might not be the best “fit” for her, but I am not sure that is the whole story.

I just think she should know the reasons behind OP’s hesitation before basing her college decision on the relationship - perhaps the knowledge of his reluctance would change her own view of attending the same school.

31

I think she can be just as happy at UA as at UVa. Some people really don’t care one way or the other. Go to State, go to small private, go to Jumbo big school half way around the world.

You will be happy to have a familiar face once in the US. Just do your own thing, let her do hers.

32

IMHO, compmom understood it correctly but some others did not.

As regard to the “why” mentioned by HarvestMoon1, it is because OP consciously or unconsciously wants to show (maybe wants to convince himself and her) that he cares very much for her because she cares so much for him.

The way a couple in Asia shows their affections to each other could be quote different from the way in the main stream culture here; it could be perceived by many as being too clingy to each other. At least this is my take on this (of course, I belong to an old generation. But I still think I likely know how it “works” there better than most CCers (I may be a little bit arrogant to say this. But I have been living in that world in the first half of my life, i.e., 3 decades, there and have learned from sometimes painful experience.) I knew of a case that one of the couple similar to OP’s case was unpleased (almost quite upset) when the other was not “clingy enough” (using the standard here) which was perceived as “not care for each other enough.” Some may think this is strange.

Compmom is right. The only potential problem is her parents’ opinion. If this is not handled properly, it could bring pains to all parties involved. They need to sort this out eventually (But it is likely not now; it will be in the future, for example, when OP (especially) and his GF succeed both academically and career-wise, either in the US or back in your country of origin. Just showing affections to each other will likely not change her parents’ opinion about OP. Thus, no matter whether OP’s GF attends the same college or not, if OP really cares for her and she cares for OP, both OP and his GF had better work hard and succeed. (OP and other CCers may or may not agree with me on this. But I said this with a good intention and genuinely wish both of you, OP and his GF, well.)

33

I think some of us are being needlessly cruel in this thread. And we have been reading a lot into the OP’s few posts, although what one person reads into them may differ radically from what another reads into them.

Anyway, it seems pretty clear at this point that the OP can’t do much if anything to change where his girlfriend goes to college, short of being so nasty to her that she would rather do anything than go to Alabama at the same time he does. And that doesn’t seem like a good course of action, or something the OP could even pull off. However, it’s about equally clear that it’s not the OP’s fault that his girlfriend wants to go to Alabama with him. He hasn’t asked her or encouraged her to do that.

So it’s mean of us to harp on the disadvantages for either of them in attending the same college. I think the OP is aware of them, but he can’t do anything about them at the moment. The girlfriend seems very immature, and so does the OP to some extent. Luckily for everyone, immaturity is something that time tends to cure. I believe that every day in Tuscaloosa there are kids who are growing into adulthood successfully.

As @MotherOfDragons suggests, the world’s not going to come to an end any way this goes. Maybe everyone will get lucky, the girlfriend will get accepted at UVa, her parents will pressure her to go there, and problem solved. Maybe the OP will get a better offer someplace else that he would rather attend than Alabama, and he’ll go there without her (but it sounds like he will have to withstand a storm of tears to take that course, if it’s even a possibility). Maybe they’ll both go to Alabama, and some hunky frat boy from Mobile will sweep the girlfriend off her feet during orientation. Maybe they’ll limp along as a couple for a while, then break up. Maybe they’ll do that and get back together again later, sadder but wiser. Maybe they’ll actually grow and mature together, and want nothing more than for their children to join the Crimson Tide.

As long as the OP can look at himself in the mirror and know that he’s treated his friend with respect, that he hasn’t played her, he will be alright, and probably so will she, no matter what happens.

34

I agree with JHS. What will be will be. I “followed” my hs bf to college and it turned out to be a great move, even though we broke up a few months into it.

And yo if I were going halfway around the world for college I’d want a familiar face too.

35

Thank you everyone. I have receive some different perspectives that I’ll take into account and come up with my solution to my issue.

I’d like to give some background information so people can have a better look at our situation.

As I said, she is somewhat lazy and unmotivated. In college research and in her future. She couldn’t care less about finding a fit school, and she still doesn’t know what to do in life. Yes, it’s still early, and I don’t dare to say that I know. But I’m trying to figure out, or at least to come up with a temporary plan.

Academically, she’s strong. She cares about her grades, so in this regard, “unmotivated” and “lazy” cannot be any furthur from the truth.

To some who claimed that I didn’t want her at UA with me. I do want her to. I asked her to take the SAT (the forth time), which by the way raised her score by 200 points, so that she can afford the school. Unlike me, she needs large aid to attend US colleges. It’s nice to have a school under her belt that early in the process. I also did all of the paper work when she applied to UA.

Also, I’ve been completely honest with her. I had the talk with her numerous times in which I told her why I thought there would be a better fit for her than UA. I know choosing a college is a life-altering decision, and most aid is given for incoming freshmen. Therefore, all I want is that she makes the best decision for herself. I want her to be at UA with me, but I’m afraid that would be selfish of me.

Lastly, her parents let her make the decision for herself as long as it is financially possible. They do say that they want her to be at better school, but they respect her decision whatever that is. She knows deep down they want her to be at UVA or the alike, and she doesn’t want to let them down. That’s one of the dilema.

Again, I thank everyone for at least caring enough to comment. I’ve talked to her a lot, and she is also applying to others. We have till April to decide, and I’ll respect her decision also. After all, it’s her future, and she’s the one who is responsible for it.

36

90% of the time, this site can be helpful and provide some much needed perspective for students who aren’t sure what to do. 99% of the advice that veteran posters give fits that description.

Then there’s the 1%. I count one overreaction and one me-first viewpoint, so we’ve all seen worse. We still shouldn’t give (nor should OP take) advice on breaking up with his girlfriend, who none of us have ever met. I don’t think much of the “It’s not your problem” mindset either.

OP: A discussion with your girlfriend is certainly in order, to make sure she isn’t choosing a school purely based off your relationship. In the long term, that is probably not the best of decisions. If Sonia Sotomayor found that her HS sweetheart wasn’t the person she wanted to spend her life with, it can happen to anyone. The odds are against a HS relationship leading to a successful marriage, and this is one time when she needs to be objective about that fact.

If she’d be happy attending UA even if you broke up tomorrow, leave the matter be. It’s not as though she’s attending Bob Jones University as an act of love (setting aside how singularly unsuited BJU would be to that purpose). This is her decision to make, and there are worse options than graduating debt-free from a state university where she can do well academically.

37

He is quite critical of her, and seems to see breaking up as a possibility once they arrive. Just because they are coming from a long ways away and attending the same school doesn’t make the “Turkey Drop” any less likely. They are 18 – it is nuts for her to follow him, and I think he knows it – but he has enabled her by doing her paperwork, etc. It would free her up to pick the best school for herself. I don’t see anything cruel about the suggestion, it is one of a range of options the OP has.

38

I don’t think you should worry about being selfish in this regard. She’s not an idiot. She obviously knows what she wants, and that’s to go to UA with you. If that’s what you want as well, then your responsibility in this matter ends there, in my opinion.

Let’s give her the benefit of the doubt and not think that you know better for her than she does.

If it all goes kerflooey, then it all goes kerflooey and you move on.

If she’s plucky and determined enough to follow you to another country and has great academics, she’ll be fine with you or without you.

39

I think it’s sweet that he cares enough about her that he doesn’t want to see her in an unsuitable place should they break up. That’s a lot more mature than “follow me, follow me.” Nonetheless, if they do break up – he’s not responsible for her happiness. He’s making his decision independently; he can’t force her to do the same, he can only suggest to her that she do the same.

40

I just find it contradictory that OP does all the AU paperwork for her, says he wants her to accompany him and then poses this question. Just doesn’t make sense.