It’s not always easy, but we’re saying to choose wisely.
Many years ago when I was looking for a school for my kids to attend, I went to a school fair and talked to the director of a Country Day school. She was very kind but realistic. She said that we’d be on a full scholarship, and that even included meals and transportation, but that there wasn’t anything they could do about fitting in outside school and that it was a school full of rich kids. I had been a nanny to a boy who went to this school and he was invited to 25 birthday parties in one year. All I could think of was 25 x $10 per gift x my 2 kids = $500, plus I’d be expected to throw two of these parties? One of the Bush kids went to this school when her grandfather was president and she flew 10 kids to the White House for a party. There would be no keeping up with the Joneses (or Bushes) for us.
So we had to decided if we could live with that and I decided we couldn’t, that I’d rather have them at a more average school where they could play on the basketball team for a $10 fee and be in the girl scouts for a small fee. I do know another family that took the scholarship but they were never part of the school. For us, I made the right decision. Maybe they felt they did too.
Same kind of decision for college. We looked at schools we could afford more comfortably. My kids knew that basic costs would be covered, but that it was a joint effort to get them through school. If they wanted the NON essentials, they’d have to work for them.
Yup, my kids handled spending money and books. And they would have had to whether the college cost $15K or $70K. I’m not in the business of providing spending money for my young adults.
My kids went to all kinds of schools including independent schools. There were not 25 or even 10 Birthday parties a year. Not everyone throws one. And Im in an area that tends to be over the top on these things. Also, there are other scholarship kids there as well as families who have grandparents paying so the budget is tight. And teachers’ and staff kids. Keeping up with the Rockefellers was not an issue.
College can be more difficult for kids whose families are struggling to keep them in school and they can be full pay families too. Though the bills are in the kids’ names, very few pay the bulk of tuition, room and board at the more expensive private schools. The buck stops at the parents bank accounts. Still there is a huge difference between being from a family that can afford $80k a year or even $20k a year, and one that is struggling just to meet basic home expenses with kid st college on financial aid. A whole world of difference.
My kids paid the non direct billed expenses at college other than books, travel to and from school, medical/health type expenses. They all worked a bit during the school year and during the summers. They had college money saved before they went off to college too. Some of them learned to handle their money better than others.
Ours are responsible for personal expenses and books for all four years plus board (food for off campus cooking)after freshman year. They have paid on campus research jobs (learning and earning) and paid summer internships. They do not view their responsibilities as a hardship. Learning to manage finances is a valuable skill to master.
I highly doubt the 81k quoted only includes fees paid directly to a university, too high. It must include personal expenses, books and transportation.
@twoinanddone I know exactly what school you’re talking about… and know two families who pulled their kids out because they were startled by the level of privilege. One man told me of running into a couple of kids from that school on the beach in Hawaii one Christmas. He was dismayed to hear one of the kids ask his own child “you flew commercial?” The following year, his kids were moved to a public school. At least one of them still managed to get into a highly prestigious, elite university. I guess it’s possible.
It really is a lovely school and the kids I was a nanny to are wonderful people (one went to Yale, others to nice schools). One time one did say ‘we never get to go anywhere for spring break.’ When I pointed out they’d been to Aspen skiing, the response was “oh, well that doesn’t really count because we always go there.” Their parents did have them fairly well grounded but they picked up some of the privileged views because they were surrounded by it.
Their friends were, for the most part, lovely too and that’s one reason I would have liked my kids to go there. I just looked at the whole picture and knew WE wouldn’t be happy being the scholarship kids and not getting to go to Hawaii on vacations. Even flying commercial.
A lot of families who have an EFC in that rang have already had those hard discussions with their children before allowing or encouraging them to apply or enroll in an expensive private school.
Those schools were never a realistic possibility for us. We would be full pay and that’s not a good financial move for our family.
Going to an expensive school is a choice, as is the type of car we buy, vacations we take and the food we eat. Even most orthodontic work is is a choice. I’m sympathetic to the student in this situation but the adults needed to take the lead on the financial decision making. If the family has that high of an EFC, I would assume that there is probably at least one financially savvy parent. It’s unfortunate that the parents made this choice, if it is not a good situation for their family.
There’s a difference between “hardly making ends meet” and “not making ends meet.” Except for the orthodontist, everything you listed – nice clothes, allowances, trips – are extras. If you’re not making ends meet at all, then see if you can get your financial aid readjusted based on job loss, unexpected medical expenses, etc. If you’re making ends meet for necessary expenses, you’re fine; it’s just unpleasant. (And as someone without an iPhone who takes maybe .25 vacations a year, I do understand how much that sucks.)
Are you looking for advice? Besides getting a job, there’s lots of ways to save money. Sell old clothes, instruments, furniture, and sports equipment. Regift instead of buying new. Shop at garage sales and thrift stores. Have a garage sale. Buy off-brand/generic stuff. When you go out, use coupons and eat at Taco Bell, or anyplace without a waiter. Go to free parks and museums rather than on vacation. Give your kids gift cards or pocket change for holidays and birthdays. Sell an expensive car (or even house, depending on your situation) and buy a cheaper one; don’t let your kid take a car to college. If possible, get a meal plan that’s 12-14 meals/week and eat a granola bar for breakfast. Dump Netflix or cable; get a cell phone plan with less data if you have one. Cut your own hair and do your own nails. Skip Starbucks and the movie theater, if you ever go. Learn to enjoy a few cheap, cook-at-home meals, like pasta and eggs. Feed your dog the cheapest dog food possible.
And that’s just what I came up with in ten minutes! It’s definitely possible for most people to cut costs, but first you have to know what you’re spending. It’s hard to do because most people take their own lifestyle for granted, and that’s natural. Every time you do something, think: can I do something similar for less money? I’m not saying you can save 81k this way, but probably a few thousand.
Something does not compute. I simply cannot understand how a family can have an EFC of $81,000, and yet have an income that is only $81,000 a year above poverty level, or even $81,000 a year above lower middle class. Most calculations require income close to, or over, $300,000 and a good amount of available savings and assets to reach such a high EFC. That means that paying $81,000 leaves them with close to $220,000 a year, of a paycheck above that of 94% of all families in the USA.
I find their complaints to be entitled and divorced from the reality of the vast majority of people in this country.
You can’t “cut your own hair” (unless you’re 6)… However having someone take care of your nails for you sounds like a real waste of money even without a kid in college.
There are very very few schools that cost 81k - and this includes cost of living including books and incidentals. So, we’re really talking about a kid who wants to continue their parents’ upper- upper middle to upper class lifestyle while in college and not earning money. The solution? Have a part time job and save for that night out.
That being said, students in urban environments or who insist on Greek life are much more likely to need extra money: you can explain the challenges of living in a city (on most suburban or rural campuses, the college will offer many no cost or low costs options; nearly everything will require going out and spending money when you live in NYC/LA; Greek life can be very costly with dues, formal clothes, certain expectations to ‘keep up with the Z’…) As a result, the family can be upfront about costs associated with big cities and how students won’t be able to do as much as salary-earning adults, and/or they can nix Greek life.
No 18-year-old pays anywhere near $81k/year for college unless parents are borrowing money for them and are making them repay it. They also don’t pay for their own braces. Most kids are out of braces long before they start college, so if they have a bill for the work it’s something the parents are saddling them with. If this is the student’s situation and their parents is a friend of yours, I’d try to talk some sense into them. No undergrad degree is worth $325k.
If the parents are full pay it’s because the school determined that their income and assets are too high to qualify for aid. Part of college costs are the living and personal expenses. If college expenses are more than a family can pay there are really only a few options: somebody has to borrow the difference, the parents and/or student need to work to make up the difference, or the family needs to pick a more affordable school. If the student is really unhappy where they are maybe they should look into transferring.
I think the thread is more hypothetical than a call for advice. It’s not described as OP’s problem. And no, it doesnt make sense that a family would choose full pay for an 81k bill knowing snowflake then couldn’t get his teeth repaired.
I have no sympathy here. It’s an old CC cry of, “But we’re really poor,” when others can’t come up with even 6k.
Or when others have legit non-discretionary expenses.
@MYOS1634 I’ve cut my own hair and my oldest’s hair for years now because I can’t even stomach the $25 each it costs at a hair Cuttery. My younger daughter gets only her bangs trimmed there for about $6 after tip. I cut the length myself. It is possible.
Unfortunately, the elite colleges only have to accept 5%-10% of their applicant pool. As long as 20x to 10x of potential customers get to go, the cost will keep going up. That’s basic economics. But as others have said, there can’t be but 1 or 2 colleges that tuition, books, room and board approach 81k/year. The vast majority of colleges and universities in the US are around 1/3 of that cost or lower. As long as people keep lining up to pay the elite price tag, I’ve little sympathy. Going to Harvard, Chicago, or Stanford isn’t a right, it is a luxury that one chooses to pay.
That being said, both my sons live on summer job earnings throughout the year, and seem to have enough for occasional pizzas, trips into town for clothes, and the like. Are they flying to Monaco for spring break? No, but very few of their classmates are either.
Unfortunately when you are full pay but not quite at that mega-rich level you have to make some choices. Many families will limit their kids to state schools or to private schools that offer merit aid. Others will pay the full tuition anywhere but, like your friend, expect the kids to pay for any extras. It is worth considering when looking at a college what the social life is like… are kids mostly involved in activities on campus that are already covered in the tuition and activity fees, or do kids spend a lot of time and money off campus? Do you have a kid who cares a lot about their wardrobe and would feel badly if he/she had more basic clothes than their friends, or do you have kids that wouldn’t care at all about that?
There are some schools where lack of spending money will be a bigger issue than at others. Schools with a big Greek life (costs extra, and often goes along with wanting to spend money on clothing), schools where the percentage of families are full-pay is high, and schools in cities (things to do off campus) vs rural/self-contained campus probably are going to have more perceived pressure to have spending money.
My DD goes to an expensive elite college, I pick up the tuition room and board, she picks up everything else including room and board over summer. She works part time during the school year and full time in the summer. She started with $2k in the bank from her summer job after high school and now starting her 3rd year this Fall she has $8k. I guess financial responsibility is not taught at home in some cases. No sympathy here.
this whole thread makes no sense to me.
would you buy the nicest house you could afford, but not mow the lawn or turn on the air conditioning or heat because you ran out of money?
Or buy the nicest car in cash, but not change the oil or fix the brakes?
Why would someone send their kid to a college at $81K a year, but not fix their kids’ teeth? Why is there a culture that values the college name so much over other good choices?
I can appreciate the value of a top college with the networks and opportunities the name/education might provide. But would that education make one more wealthy? happier? successful? I’m not judging; but I do not understand this culture of sacrificing your orthodontia (and other needed life items) to save so much to attend a full-pay college.
Orthodontia is a luxury for most families. Unless there is a direct health problem being created. Actually, most of us old folk could use a bout with Invisiilign and retainers if we want to keep our smiles attractive. Teeth and gums start looking old when you hit your 60s and 70s. Few will do do
For all but the über wealthy, and those who get enough money to lighten the college costs to comfortable range or pick an affordable college , it can be financially painful to have kids in college.
A lot of expenses crop up that are not in the budget. Kid ends up in ER, didn’t go through referral process. Glasses break, tooth breaks. Computer crashes. Crisis occurs and they could use some parental presence.
I have a cousin who runs a farm as major family livelihood. His oldest son is in college; just finished and things really did not go as planned. Cousin had major prostate surgery, soybean crop didn’t pan out, right hand help moved out of state , etc etc. The college kid had done a lot of farmwork and knew how to run things and he was out of state. There is another major hit on income this year and not having this young man around is costing way beyond the cost of the college. And this is an upper middle income family.
There are kids who are literally holding the family together. They work enough hours to buy the occasional treat at least, maybe pay for some essentials, emergencies. They are the ones who learn the rules and procedures of life for the family. They have network of friends who’ll give rides and come up with help. When a kid like that leaves home, it causes immense hardship and, stress on both sides.
