Funniest College Essays - To Ease the Tension

College Essays
1

<p>MIT certainly has a reputation to be proud of, but its admissions department went a little over-board, I think. The first letter is an honest-to-goodness mailing from MIT, the second is one prospective student's reply:</p>

<p>Mr. John T. Mongan
123 Main Street
Smalltown, California 94123-4567</p>

<p>Dear John:</p>

<p>You've got the grades. You've certainly got the PSAT scores. And now you've got a letter from MIT. Maybe you're surprised. Most students would be.</p>

<p>But you're not most students. And that's exactly why I urge you to consider carefully one of the most selective universities in America.</p>

<p>The level of potential reflected in your performance is a powerful indicator that you might well be an excellent candidate for MIT. It certainly got my attention!</p>

<p>Engineering's not for you? No problem. It may surprise you to learn we offer more than 40 major fields of study, from architecture to brain and cognitive sciences, from economics (perhaps the best program in the country) to writing.</p>

<p>What? Of course, you don't want to be bored. Who does? Life here <em>is</em> tough <em>and</em> demanding, but it's also <em>fun</em>. MIT students are imaginative and creative - inside and outside the classroom.</p>

<p>You're interested in athletics? Great! MIT has more varsity teams - 39 - than almost any other university, and a tremendous intramural program so everybody can participate.</p>

<p>You think we're too expensive? Don't be too sure. We've got surprises for you there, too.</p>

<p>Why not send the enclosed Information Request to find out more about this unique institution? Why not do it right now?</p>

<p>Sincerely,</p>

<p>Michael C. Benhke
Director of Admissions</p>

<p>P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "Insight," just check the appropriate box on the form.</p>

<p>May 5, 1994</p>

<p>Michael C. Behnke
MIT Director of Admissions
Office of Admissions, Room 3-108
Cambridge MA 02139-4307</p>

<p>Dear Michael:</p>

<p>You've got the reputation. You've certainly got the pomposity. And now you've got a letter from John Mongan. Maybe you're surprised. Most universities would be.</p>

<p>But you're not most universities. And that's exactly why I urge you to carefully consider one of the most selective students in America, so selective that he will choose only <em>one</em> of the thousands of accredited universities in the country.</p>

<p>The level of pomposity and lack of tact reflected in your letter is a powerful indicator that your august institution might well be a possibility for John Mongan's future education. It certainly got my attention!</p>

<p>Don't want Bio-Chem students? No problem. It may surprise you to learn that my interests cover over 400 fields of study, from semantics to limnology, from object-oriented programming (perhaps one of the youngest professionals in the country) to classical piano.</p>

<p>What? Of course you don't want egotistical jerks. Who does? I <em>am</em> self-indulgent <em>and</em> over confident, but I'm also amusing. John Mongan is funny and amusing - whether you're laughing with him or at him.</p>

<p>You're interested in athletes? Great! John Mongan has played more sports - 47 - than almost any other student, including oddball favorites such as Orienteering.</p>

<p>You think I can pay for your school? Don't be too sure. I've got surprises for you there, too.</p>

<p>Why not send a guaranteed admission and full scholarship to increase your chance of being selected by John Mongan? Why not do it right now?</p>

<p>Sincerely,
John Mongan</p>

<p>P.S. If you'd like a copy of a fun-filled, fact-filled brochure, "John Mongan: What a Guy!" just ask.</p>

<hr>

<p>Question: Are there any significant experiences you have had, or accomplishments you have realized, that have helped to define you as a person?</p>

<pre><code> I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Cuban refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row.
</code></pre>

<p>I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty Minute Brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru.</p>

<p>Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I play bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Mets. I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When I'm bored, I build large suspension bridges in my yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesdays, after school, I repair electrical appliances free of charge.</p>

<p>I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number nine and won the weekend passes. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat .400. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles. Children trust me.</p>

<p>I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, Moby Dick, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire dining room that evening. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.</p>

<p>I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four-course meals using only a Mouli and a toaster oven. I breed prizewinning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis.</p>

<p>But I have not yet gone to college.</p>

<p>These are two of my favorites. If you've got any to add, feel free.</p>

<p>I hope this eased some tension!</p>

2

<p>lol the first one I’ve never seen before</p>

<p>that was pretty good</p>

3

<p>Guys, seriously, it’s worth the time. They’re pretty funny. Haha I just realized that the only people who would read this comment are the people who already read the essays. Lol.</p>

4

<p>Second is a classic.
The first one I absolutely love!</p>

5

<p>Hilarious…</p>

6

<p>first one. what gut!</p>

7

<p>lol i really hope the kid got accepted.</p>

8

<p>Ahahaha that first one is awesome.</p>

9

<p>This is awesome.</p>

10

<p>hahahaha brilliant!!!</p>

11

<p>That first one is awesome. I have to bookmark this page and come back if I need a laugh.</p>

12

<p>I wish I was that funny. No sarcasm</p>

13

<p>“You think I can pay for your school? Don’t be too sure. I’ve got surprises for you there, too.”</p>

<p>I died at that line haha</p>

14

<p>^ ME TOO! Glad someone on this site shares my sense of humor :D. I really want to know if either of these kids got their first choice.</p>

15

<p>omg the first one killed! the 2nd is good too,but didnt make me laugh off my chair</p>

<p>wonder what happened to them…lol…omg I’m dying to write something unique in the essay “your interest and goals…”. this really helps me relax</p>

16

<p>The second guy is Hugh Gallagher.</p>

17

<p>I sent an actual essay, but I decided to send a “supplement” along with it. This was after I had already gotten in to one of my top schools early. I ended up getting waitlisted at the places I sent this to. Considering I got rejected by the schools I didn’t send this to, I’m not sure if it helped or hurt me. </p>

<p>A Guide To Cracking the Teenage Girl
Below is the tested and trusted method for “Cracking the Teenage Girl.”*</p>

<p>The Five Fundamental Theorems (FFT)</p>

<ol>
<li><p>Despite what they say, teenage girls are not looking for someone to understand them. They want someone to control them and tell them what to do.</p></li>
<li><p>The more arrogant and self-confident you are, the more you’ll be able to be the guy mentioned in one. Remember, it’s not harassment if she enjoys it.</p></li>
<li><p>Physical and verbal reminders of the master/slave relationship is constantly needed to be able to fully follow steps one and two to perfection.</p></li>
<li><p>The more she acts as if she dislikes the treatment; the more she’s actually enjoying it.</p></li>
<li><p>Teenage girls have no self-pride. They are what you say they are.</p></li>
</ol>

<p>Right at the beginning a firm master/slave relationship needs to be established with the girl immediately. It is usually achieved by personal attitude, by saying something along the lines of, “Hey, you’re almost as good-looking as I am. I might just let you go out with me.” This will attracts the girl’s attention causing the effect known as “love at first sight,” “a hot flash,” or “sexual obsession,” all of which share the same meaning.</p>

<p>The next step is to add in the punches. Phrases such as “Girl you the dumbest ***** I’ve ever seen” are usually a safe bet. The girl would become instantly ecstatic and aroused, even venturing to touch you, but don’t let her, not yet. When she replies to agree with you, nod your head like you’re not really listening; since she won’t be saying anything intelligent anyways and girls find that very attractive as well. It’s called foreplay.</p>

<p>A side effect however, is what professionals term Hard to Get Syndrome, or HGS. It usually involves the girl feigning shock and anger at the actions of the guy. It is believed to be a sort of mating test used to determine the validity of the opposite partner. A common occurrence is the phrase “You’re horrible I hate you”. However, this is commonly interpreted to mean “Wow I love this so much please don’t stop.”</p>

<p>In order to fulfill her desire for further domination one should take this opportunity to give her a quick slap. The suggested form used is the Wu Slap. Based on the Five Fundamental Theorem, the Wu Slap has become a standard practice in the Player’s handbook. Professional slapping involves the use of several techniques that distinguish it from normal slapping. Unlike other forms of slapping, the Wu Slap neither as light as the “girl slap” nor as heavy handed as the “***** slap.” It is also unlike both in style, consisting of a quick flick of the wrist, mainly to establish master/slave positions. The Wu Slap also contains the use of dragging the fingernails across the face, producing a raking effect. Properly done, a Wu Slap can cause pain and humiliation in a teenage girl, producing a desirable effect that cancels out any HGS the girl might possibly have.</p>

<p>Upon reaching this point, cracking the girl is already almost finished. The final trial simply comprises of hearing her complain, scream, and/or cry about various events. Never pay attention. Paying attention is a sign of homosexuality and male impotency. Falling asleep is an often used technique. This would also be a good time to pull out a nine-millimeter and shoot someone for the increased dramatic effect, which is extremely useful. A different type of firearm would also work, but a nine is usually more gangster and better fitting for a player.</p>

<p>*Disclaimer: The author takes no responsibility for the repercussions that may happen to any idiot dumb enough to follow the above method.</p>

18

<p>^wth would you put that? What was your motivation?</p>

19

<p>OMG, WTH?!!! you’re serious??!!</p>

20

<p>I would waitlist you, too.
Enough guts/humor to warrant not getting rejected, but the humor/sarcasm is a little over the top to accept you. At least, that’s how I feel.</p>

<p>HAHAHA I love the first one! Hope the guy got accepted.</p>