<p>My son was overwhelmed with the end of senior year activities and frankly just fried from working so hard at school and in other extracurriculars. He also struggled with a depression/anxiety disorder that through counseling and medication is better. We decided that a gap year would probably make sense for him. He could work part-time, audit a class or two at a local college, play his music (he is in a band and composes a lot of music, etc.), and take an international trip. He went to Senegal for five weeks which he LOVED and still misses the family he stayed with and the wonderful culture there. He wants to go back.</p>
<p>Today, after one day in the college for the audited french class, he said he is ambivalent about EVER going to college. My knee jerk reaction was well I guess that means you are going to work at the ice cream shop (where he has a job..minimum wage) full time instead of college? Luckily I just said that to my husband and frankly this gap year gives him too much down time to fret and agonize over his future. I am getting to the point (it is only Septemnber!) where I am thinking he should just push through with college applications and still see if he has no enthusiasm later.</p>
<p>It was much simpler with our older son who knew what he wanted and how to get there. This one, who graduated with a high GPA and does have a love of learning and strong SAT scores, seems to be happy about the idea of an alternative route than four year college. His true passion is the guitar, music composition, and songwriting with education and language studies coming in second. He is almost fluent in french and is working on Pulaar and Woloff (the two languages in the villages in Senegal). He is fascinated by languages and seems to have a strong ear for them probably from the music training.</p>
<p>I am frustrated and want him to continue with his education. I am tired of seeing his bored face when I go to work. Has anyone been in this boat before??</p>
<p>A good gap year is one that has the student actively engaged in something. It sounds like your son really isn’t. Is there some sort of meaningful volunteer work, or a mission trip, or something he can do that is in his area if interest? Playing in a band, and working at an icecream shop sounds more like high school but without any classes.</p>
<p>I guess what I’m saying is…he needs something more in his gap year repertoire.</p>
<p>Well, if he graduated in June…he’s only had a gap 3 months. Let it play out for the gap year if it’s not a burden on you financially. Did he defer so he has a place to go if he wants NEXT September or just not apply? Not everyone needs or wants to go to college at 18 or 19. I know several boys who were getting their start in college just about the time my son was graduating for college and they are happy and fulfilled…now. The years of minimum wage work were just that…a gap between high school and college. I also know a boy or two that are making their way in the world and aren’t even thinking about college. They are not loser boys, they were boys who did well in high school, they simply have no need or desire for more classroom education right now. They are doing a variety of things from culinary to open wheel race car/learning the trade to building houses. Real jobs. Finally if he’s bored enough, he’ll figure out something because it’s no fun being bored.</p>
<p>I don’t know much about songwriting, guitar and music composition but I would imagine there are other ways to fuel that passion than going to a four year college. Does he have true talent or is he just interested in this. Perhaps in his gap year he could explore some type of music options. Try out for America’s got Talent. Volunteer in a music ministry at your church if you have one. Is he taking guitar lessons? Maybe he could sign up for some lessons with an advanced teacher to hone his skills. I agree with the prior posters that working at the ice cream store is not the way I would want my kid to spend a gap year - especially if I was supporting him financially. Sit down with him. Tell him this is an opportunity to really explore what it is he wants to do and work with him to help him come up with a creative plan that really makes the most of this year. It is truly a gift to have the opportunity to spend the time this way - but only if he doesn’t sqander it.</p>
<p>If music is his passion with education and language studies coming in second, why not look for schools with a great music department and an education department. Maybe he will end up being a music educator.</p>
<p>I agree that it sounds like he needs some direction.</p>
<p>I don’t know what finances look like for your family, but is it possible for him to spend more time abroad? I know that it’s kind of late for a full year, but CIEE has gap year programs (including one in France that has language classes at the Sorbonne, an English teaching volunteer opportunity, and a hosty family) that last a semester - the deadline for France’s spring semester is November 15. ISA Studies Abroad (studiesabroad.com) also has a spring semester program in France (deadline October 15) and AFS Intercultural Programs has a semester community service program from Feb to July that’s quite a bit cheaper ($10,500 as opposed to $15,000) in Belgium. That app deadline is Sep 25.</p>
<p>If international travel is not in the budget again, he could do domestic volunteerism. Most of the structured programs are now recruiting for 2014-2015, but he could structure his own program if he’s only working part-time. Perhaps he can volunteer in the music classroom of a local elementary school or work with an after-school middle school band teacher/club. Maybe there are nearby organizations like Boys & Girls Club or something that could use a half-time volunteer, especially during business hours.</p>
<p>Maybe he comes up with a significant project of his own to complete - like three independent but related compositions for the guitar, or writing a paper in French on a topic related to French or Senegalese culture, or music education theory. If you live nearby a university, perhaps a professor is willing to take him on to do an independent study and he could audit.</p>
<p>Although I do think many students don’t need to go to college and can do vocational training, given your son’s interests it doesn’t sound like that’s really what he wants. It rather sounds like he’s worried about the future and enjoys the freedom he currently has as a gap student. I totally understand that, so maybe play devil’s advocate a bit and show him what he can do without a college degree but with technical or vocational training. Given his interests I think he’ll decide those aren’t for them (that’s what happened to my sister, when she declared that she didn’t want to go to college for 4 years. Everything she wanted to do required a 4 year degree. She’s graduating this December, hee hee.)</p>
<p>If he’s unsure if he ever wants to go to college, that’s fine. He doesn’t HAVE to go to college, but he does have to figure out a way to support himself. If he decides that college is not for him, then he has to learn a trade or find some other way to make a living. You can make a decent living without going to a 4-yr university (perhaps, he could get his associate’s if he decides to do something where that would be beneficial), and if that’s good enough for him, then that’s fine.</p>
<p>It’s possible that he feels this way because he enjoys lounging around at home with no real purpose or direction. Giving him a realistic look at how he’d have to support himself (if he has no other responsibilities, have him work full time, rather than part time, even if it’s just a menial job) might encourage him to go to a four year university. Or, he might be fine with it, and if he can support himself, then more power to him.</p>
<p>I also agree with the others that he needs more structure to his time. Have him do enough things (be it a combination of classes, music, volunteering, part time work, etc) that it would equal time-wise a full time work week or school week. He can do things he enjoys or things that could help him figure out a particular career or direction, but if he’s just hanging out at home, then his gap year doesn’t sound very enriching.</p>
<p>Don’t despair, its the first week that many of his friends are starting off on their new adventure in College and he may be feeling that loss and not understand where its coming from. Or he does and its his way of indicating that he is OK with that or that he maybe deep down wishes he had done the same. I think there is a lot of good advice up here so I would follow that. He will probably get bored and start seeking out things that interest him, its only the beginning. Have him set a goals(maybe return to Senegal) make him earn the money to go, have him fill out applications (even if he says he wants to go) so that he has the option next year to go to college. It will get better just help him get a focus and stay positive.</p>
<p>There are many ways, and timetables, for doing college. He can wait until there is a reason for him to go that is clear for him. Or not go at all. I know many incredibly bright young people who are finding their way without college (and without debt). I would mainly suggest not presenting options as a stark choice between college and serving ice cream!</p>
<p>Working in an ice cream shop is fine for now. With supportive but unintrusive parenting, he will probably find his way by slowly adding things. It would seem as if music might be a good path for him for this year. You could head over to the music forum for advice on how to help him progress with that. Lessons, programs, conservatory continuing education…Would he like to teach or work with kids in some way related to music? How about volunteering?</p>
<p>Sometimes when a kid is burned out on academics, something very hands on appeals. Maybe check out certificate programs at community college.</p>
<p>One of my kids left college after a year and worked in a sub shop for a long time. One year later, she is living a multi-faceted life and is very happy, with long term goals that may or may not involve college. Her current wonderful situation took time to evolve and there were some dark days too. I think it helps to show faith in their ability to work it out.</p>
<p>p.s. One kid I know in this situation is doing National Outdoor Leadership School. Google it!</p>
<p>Look up Coursera and look for music courses especially those by Berklee College of Music. I took a songwriting course which I’m sure they will repeat again. Really incredible learning opportunity and it’s free. There are tons of language courses also. These are all college level courses. You can receive certificates of completion if all assignments are completed with passing grade. Some community colleges give credit for them. It’s a great way to try out different subjects–most classes run 6 weeks.</p>
<p>With some research (with your help) your son will probably find no matter what he wants to do that college will help him achieve his goals through business or learning his craft. I would search for job opportunities or careers to see what he might like to pursue.
And one day in an audited French class would make me not want to go to college either…</p>
<p>“Ambivalent about ever going to college” just may be an 18-year-old way of saying he is ambivalent about auditing that French class. Make sure he applies to colleges “just in case,” and, if he is staying at home, encourage him to get a real job with real blue-collar workers - roofing, landscaping, framing, or something along those lines. A dose of reality (vs. the extended summer job) will let him know if he is ready for the no-college working life.</p>
<p>I know a bunch of successful guitar-playing musicians, some signed by Sub-Pop and making money with their music. They almost all have day jobs.</p>
<p>A lot of kids are ready for college much later than age 18. If your son is one of those people, that’s fine: the biggest thing is to make sure that he eventually attends and graduates. </p>
<p>
I know I sound like such a scold when I say this, but adults understand that they have to do a bunch of things that they don’t like, or may not like all the time, in order to get where they want in life.</p>
<p>Skyscrapers didn’t build themselves, or weren’t build because someone loved every single second of the process. The computer monitor that you’re reading this one wasn’t built by someone who was uber-enthused about getting out of bed and assembling the thing in a factory. Even some parts of music production can be deadly boring, repetitive, or frustrating.</p>
<p>Incidentally, most people in most countries, and almost everyone before about 1900, did not think that life was meant to be easy or fun, or think that there was something wrong if it wasn’t.</p>
<p>What is the college where he is auditing this French class like? Sounds like he is a high-achieving student. If the college and the students are lackluster, he may be seeing this as just more high school. If so, perhaps you can suggest to him that he could take this as motivation to find a more engaging college environment.</p>
<p>Lots of great suggestions above about ways to make his gap year meaningful.</p>
<p>It sounds a bit a total break from academics for a few months may be best. Many kids just out of high school do not go straight through to college or do anything having to do with college. My husband joined the Coast Guard because he felt unready for college. At 22, he was ready. One friend’s daughter went to cooking school and became a pastry chef. And yet another friend worked as a chef and then eventually went to college at 29. The path to/through college just may not be so direct. </p>
<p>I agree that his time needs to be more structured but I don’t think college courses need to be part of it. I think he needs the gap year to realize just what he wants to do and how he can accomplish it. He also needd to know how to pay for it all (e.g., figure out how to earn a living). It’s great that he loves music but is it enough to earn him a living? Too many times, the answer is no but that just means figuring out a way to keep it a meaningful part of his life if not a career path.</p>
<p>Instead of auditing a French class because it sounds like being in a classroom is the last thing he wants to do, find a French conversation group. Often, they are found on college campuses but non-students join them. It gives people a chance to work on or maintain their foreign language skills.</p>
<p>I used to work in an ice cream store in Philly that hired quite a few Curtis students and supported them through music school. I get that ice cream shops may not be the long term solution but if your son can increase his hours and gain responsibility, that would be a good thing. Many kids worked up to shift manager first and then to managing a store within a year or two. </p>
<p>Sounds like his gap year has just been a vacation so far. And if he IS fluent in French it’s probable that the French class he was auditing was not going to be challenging at all. I think that until he really gets into the work force (full time) he won’t see where having a college degree would help.</p>
<p>I tend to agree with Erin’s Dad that OP’s description sounds to me like an extended vacation. Did he apply to colleges at all during his senior year, or did he decide last fall that he was taking this “gap year”?</p>
<p>If he has health issues, by all means get those addressed quickly. It would only be harmful to let such a condition linger untreated. On the other hand, don’t let common symptoms be an excuse for inaction.</p>
<p>It’s great that he has interests such as music and travel, but I would have concerns about an adult living in my house with no plans for supporting himself. If he continues to live at home, you should start charging him rent (hopefully he is already paying for his own transportation, insurance, cell phone, etc.) and increasing his share of the household chores so that he will recognize his responsibilities as a contributing member of society.</p>
<p>I would never charge my kid rent in these circumstances. He should, however, pull his weight around the household in terms of doing some chores.</p>
<p>@Consolation - I’m not sure what you mean by “these circumstances”. It sounds like the son is not presently interested in being a student and not engaged in full-time philanthropic activity. He simply prefers to work and pursue other hobbies. In my mind, that is the perfect time to start charging rent as he continues his transition to adulthood.</p>
<p>I’m not advocating throwing him out, unless he defiantly breaks family rules. Perhaps the “rental contract” could be structured to facilitate his maturation - for example, put a portion of each month’s rent into an escrow account for his first home’s down payment.</p>
<p>Honestly, I didn’t and don’t pressure my kid at home to go to college at all. She went one year and made a good decision to leave. Maybe most parents wouldn’t react that way, but I have found she is much more responsible for her life when I don’t direct, but support. </p>
<p>A burned out kid may need rest, may need counseling, but should be given the time to figure things out. Just have faith that it will happen and be there to help whatever glimmers come along. </p>
<p>There are many philosophies of parenting on this board, and as long as we are consistent with our kids, I think it can work out. So I mean no disrespect to anyone, but am just putting in two cents from my own philosophy, which has resulted in a mutually respectful (mostly!) relationship and an autonomous kid- in the end.</p>
<p>Adulthood takes a long long long time to achieve in our culture. Zigs and zags, not straight lines, for many.</p>
<p>Take a deep breath, and trust yourself, and your son. Strangers will give you lots of advice, and anecdotes ranging from “it’s all down hill from there” to “best thing he could have done, changed his life”–chances are, if he’s been a high-achieving kid before, he will be again. Give him time, and try not to worry.</p>
<p>College is not the be all and end all, and it takes some guts and self-knowledge for a young person to admit to himself and the world, in the face of great pressure, that it’s not for him. If your son is not at least minimally invested in the idea and motivated to do it, sending him to college will be a waste of time and money. </p>
<p>That said, lots of unstructured down time is dangerous because people sink into a slough of despair without a reason to get up in the morning. Encourage your son find alternative goals besides college. Maybe this is not a “gap year.” Maybe it’s a paradigm shift.</p>
<p>Perhaps your son is one of those who will find his purpose through work, discover what he wants to do with his life experientially, and go back later for the necessary training or credentials.</p>