<p>My son lives in a dorm in which there are bathrooms reserved for girls/women only, but none reserved for boys/men only. Actually, the year started out with some male-designated bathrooms, but now there's been a vote to change this. He finds showering, shaving (shirtless, so that he won't be dirtying an extra shirt every day), and just plain old using the bathroom to be very awkward with the girls coming in and out all the time. Some of the girls seem to wait specifically for the times the boys will be undressed or partially dressed to enter the bathroom and spend a lot of time there.</p>
<p>I guess I'm very old-fashioned, but I believe everyone is entitled to some privacy.</p>
<p>My son is heterosexual, if it matters. The gay guys on the floor don't seem to be bothered at all by the shared bathrooms. The girls who like privacy stick to the female-only bathrooms -- but the guys who value their privacy are OUT OF LUCK.</p>
<p>I guess I'm just disappointed that we're paying 65K per year, so that my son can be stressed over open showers in a gender-neutral bathroom. There are no transsexuals inhabiting my son's dorm, incidentally. (I know the whole gender-neutral-bathroom initiative came about as a civil rights issue for transsexuals. No offense intended here.)</p>
<p>I'm ready to complain to someone at the college, but I think my perspective might be considered odd?? Please give me some feedback, parents. I'd like to hear your thoughts!</p>
<p>I lived in co-operative housing at a big 10 school 30 years ago where we had co-ed bathrooms. “Our” guys didn’t go around without their clothes (shirts, etc) on in the sink/toilet area – they wore robes or a t-shirt and pj pants. The shower room had a door, with individual stalls and places to hang stuff, and there was a process (knock or speak before going into the “common” area, wait for responses). It was really okay.</p>
<p>He could keep one t-shirt he pulls on when going to the bathroom to shave in, and just hang it up daily and use it again the next day… if they save their “undressed” or partially-dressed state for the privacy of their dorm room, it seems like this should be fine. We did not have issues. Although (ironically) my mother sort of had a cow about it. :)</p>
<p>How do you know that there are no transgender or transsexual people in your son’s dorm room? Just curious, as some trans people aren’t readily identifiable as such or may not present as their preferred gender at all times.</p>
<p>Although I think gender-neutral bathrooms can be great, I do think single gender bathrooms and private bathrooms (which are wonderful for acess for people with physical disabilities) should be made available as well. People of any gender could feel uncomfortable in gender neutral bathrooms, esp. with showers, so I think both options should be available if possible. I find it a bit odd that your son’s dorm has a single-gender bathroom option for women but not men, even though I can see why women might, a group, be more likely to have concerns about mixed gender bathrooms.</p>
<p>I know you’re being facetious, but how stressed is he, actually, over this situation? If it’s the school I’m thinking of, the shower stalls do have doors or curtains as well as the toilet areas.
Sometimes there is so little to complain about that the small problems take on big proportions. I think this may be the case here. But maybe I’m wrong.</p>
<p>By the time my son was a freshman, he had spent a lot of time in pools with kids of both sexes-shirts off, of course and beaches, sleep-overs, camp-outs, three-week hiking trips where kids had to relieve themselves in the woods- so I don’t think the co-ed bathroom made him blink. But my kid isn’t yours, and I don’t want to minimize his discomfort if it really exists. I just know that we moms can be a little bit protective when it comes to our kids having to make adjustments they might not have been expecting to make. Usually, though, dealing with stuff like this just helps them grow up.</p>
<p>I absolutely would not complain to the college. ( I think your son would not be pleased.) I would suggest that he try to use the facilities a bit earlier than most when he could, and to wear a shirt if he’s uncomfortable. The dorm voted, and apparently most students are happy with the way it is.</p>
<p>Also, this may be the last year he has to use a “dorm style” bath. In future years, he’ll probably be in a suite with room mates of his choosing, with a private bath that they don’t even have to keep clean! (Pomona has cleaning people who actually come into the suites once a week.) It’s a pretty easy life.</p>
<p>I second everything psych said. I also want to add that I’m sure it’s in their head that some girls wait until guys are undressed. Really, if girls want to see a guy naked in college, they don’t need to spy on them in the bathroom. </p>
<p>Honestly though, if your son feels uncomfortable then your SON needs to say something. Your voice won’t have nearly the impact of his and likely you’ll just be ignored as you don’t go there.</p>
<p>That is totally creepy, and absolutely BS. I have no problem with having some gender neutral bathrooms around, to make those who prefer it feel comfortable. But to not have single gender bathrooms available is inconsiderate and inappropriate. And then to have it for just the girls? Talk about making boys feel like second class citizens. I would make a complaint about it, and your kid too. I’d get as many people as possible to make a fuss, kids or parents, because in these issues, unless you’re a big donor, numbers count. And if nobody complains, nothing gets done.</p>
<p>I do think that there are some girls that would wait for the hot guys to come around and hang out in the bathroom. College girls can be really, really aggressive (of course, that can be a good thing). But who knows if it’s that in this case.</p>
<p>So I have one son that, though he is quite handsome, won’t even take his shirt off in front of us. Will only do it on the beach or pool, quick enough to get in the water, put it back on when he comes out. Very inhibited, though I’m sure light drinking at parties has helped in that respect. He’d probably avoid going to the bathroom as much as possible in this case. Other kid, well…he just might hang out in the bathroom waiting for the hot girls to come around. People are different, we aren’t all the same, and this is an issue of respecting people’s privacy.</p>
<p>Yes, I guess it just doesn’t fly with me – or my son. We’re from California, and I think we have pretty progressive ideas – but I guess I’m just socially conservative in this respect, and I feel strongly that everyone is entitled to feel comfortable when using the bathroom.</p>
<p>And, glido, I think you’re right that the majority does not have any moral authority here, unfortunately. One other boy on my son’s hall was SHOUTED down yesterday when he restated that he would like access to a male-only bathroom. “You are part of the oppressive majority, so you have no say here!!!” He happened to be caucasian and heterosexual, which was maybe what the other students were referring to??? Stressful for my son, who overheard all the shouting. He feels he CANNOT speak to this issue without being accused of being the oppressor. He’s just an eighteen-year-old boy who would like to use the bathroom without the stress of girls commenting on his anatomy. (He’s very good looking, but very shy – and uncomfortable with girls looking at him and commenting “Yum!” – which has happened!)</p>
<p>Whether it’s true or not, some of the guys seem to be convinced that the more aggressive girls confront them in the bathroom when they are only partially clothed and then brush past them intentionally when they ask to use the sink where the boys are shaving – the girls putting their hands on a bare back and that sort of thing. Makes my son VERY uncomfortable, and I just feel everyone has a right to a certain amount of privacy. But yes, obviously, my son is not going to be able to shave without a shirt on or shower with his guard down. Unnerving.</p>
<p>I would like to complain to the administration, but I do feel that my son would be mortified over this – and I don’t want to make a tough political situation on the hallway even worse.</p>
<p>Oh, please. My college had nothing but co-ed bathrooms. We all survived. </p>
<p>Having a single-gender bathroom for females only is odd, and I can see objecting to that. But it’s the student who has to object, not the parent.</p>
<p>If OP’s son is bothered by having people walk in when his shirt if off, he needs to wear a robe, keep a t-shirt handy for that purpose, etc. What if he were gay (or not) and felt similarly uncomfortable when other guys walked in, but not bothered by girls? Should such a guy be allowed to use the girls’ bathroom? Of course not. </p>
<p>People vary greatly in how modest they want to be in dorms–not only in the bathroom, but walking down the hall, opening the door if a neighbor knocks, etc. That’s fine, but it’s up to each individual to handle their own preferences by covering up or not. </p>
<p>Now that I think about it, I am sure there are some guys who lived in my dorm who I never saw shirtless. Plenty I did. That was up to them, and I didn’t think anything of it at the time. And I certainly wasn’t hanging around waiting to walk in on hot guys (or any guys) in the bathroom. I suppose some girls might, but really the bathroom isn’t a particularly sexy or appealing place.</p>
<p>The higher education community cannot have it both ways. They cannot say, “Your child is considered your financial responsibility until they’re 24, and they cannot be considered an adult on their own” out of one side of their mouth, and then tell parents they have no say over the facilities that the PARENTS are paying for. Sorry, it’s not just the son that should have a say here. I can understand if the parents don’t want to say anything because they don’t want to affect things for their son - but to say they have no standing is not correct, I don’t think.</p>
<p>But is it really appropriate for the girls to have a gender specific bathroom (because they want it) and the boys not to be allowed this same right? There are plenty of gender-neutral bathrooms in the dorm already. Why does ALL privacy have to be removed for the boys? This seems to be patently unequal treatment – and for the boys who are private or shy, yes, it does matter.</p>
<p>As busdriver11 said, people are different – and those differences should be respected – fairly, imho.</p>
<p>cro, parents are not required to pay. Not legally. It’s a choice. That is why they can say that. (ETA: Not saying it’s right or wrong, just saying what it is.)</p>
<p>This sounds like a school with an agenda, perhaps somewhere like Oberlin or Pitzer? I’m not asking you to name it, just musing.</p>
<p>While he probably will get used to it eventually, he really shouldn’t have to. Apparently the formerly oppressed minority thinks it’s just fine to treat the oppressive majority with the same disrespect they they used to get. Jeez, just the thought of a co-ed bathroom, even as an older adult is unpleasant. Sitting there, trying to go to the bathroom with a guy sitting on the pot, either side of me? Enough stress to cause constipation. I hate even being in an all female locker room, because I don’t want to look at people when they are dressing, bathing, doing their makeup.</p>
<p>For that kind of money, you deserve a voice. I know your son doesn’t want to make a fuss, and I’m not saying you should stride up and down his hall screaming. But you have the right to be an advocate for your kid, you’re paying the bill, and you might have a stronger voice. I see nothing wrong with complaining to the administration, and getting other parents to do the same. I can’t see how it will ever come back to him, or even that he could find out.</p>
<p>He might consider using the facilities in the gym, or anywhere else on campus if there are more private ones.</p>
<p>“my son can be stressed over open showers in a gender-neutral bathroom.” </p>
<p>What do you mean by open showers? …like gang showers with no curtains?
That would be VERY awkward with girls around. I feel awkward in those showers with just other guys. </p>
<p>I feel like if there are stalls with curtains, you may get used to it quickly (u shower every day!) but understand initial discomfort. Personally, I’d have a harder time pooping in a stall next to a chick lol- have no problem letting my exhaust pipe shoot out a bunch of pops with a guy next door - with a female, not so much. </p>
<p>And shaving with your shirt on does NOT ruin your shirt. Very easy just to put one on.</p>
<p>Why is it that accommodations are made for girls who want a girls only bathroom, and also for those who want a co-ed bathroom, but NOT for boys who want a boys only bathroom?</p>
<p>Somehow I doubt the college housing authority is going to do anything about this. He could consider transferring to another dorm. Room spaces tend to open up at the semester break because of students going abroad.</p>
<p>Cromette, I suspect there may have been a critical mass (“voting” was mentioned, I think) among the girls who cared. Apparently not for the boys. Heck, I am pretty sure there are probably boys on the OP’s hall who are LOVING this arrangement.</p>
and beaches, sleep-overs, camp-outs, three-week hiking trips where kids had to relieve themselves in the woods- so I don’t think the co-ed bathroom made him blink. But my kid isn’t yours, and I don’t want to minimize his discomfort if it really exists. I just know that we moms can be a little bit protective when it comes to our kids having to make adjustments they might not have been expecting to make. Usually, though, dealing with stuff like this just helps them grow up.</p>