<p>My daughter has been accepted to a good college close to where we live, as well as a "pretty good" college close to where we will be moving this summer (other side of the country - at least 4 hours by plane). She wants to attend the college close to where we are currently living, but I do not think it's a good idea for her to be so far away from parental support. We have not lived here for very long, and do not have any relatives or family friends in the area. Daughter has matured a lot this year, but is still very dependent and social awkward, and I do not think she will thrive far from family support. She has a hard time making friends. I think she will be very home sick if she cannot see us very often. She also tends to procrastinate A LOT and is not good at prioritizing, so I think it is unlikely she would be successful without some support (although her grades are currently very good). </p>
<p>I have tried to reason with her without success. I have just told her that I will not provide any financial assistance or provide the information needed to apply for student loans unless she goes to the college near to where we will be living. I feel horrible about this, but I believe it is in her best interest in the long run. Thoughts?</p>
<p>If she were to go to school in your new town, would she be commuting, or living at home with you?
I hate to be harsh, but by allowing her to apply to that school, you gave her the impression that she would be able to choose her own school. Backing out now seems disingenuous, especially since most decisions are made and you have already put a deposit down.</p>
<p>MOM,
It is time to accept that your D will soon be an adult and needs to learn how to navigate life without holding the hand of an adult. </p>
<p>“I have just told her that I will not provide any financial assistance or provide the information needed to apply for student loans unless she goes to the college near to where we will be living.”</p>
<p>This was a BIG mistake! You are essentially TELLING your D that you have no faith in her ability to succeed in College without you close by. </p>
<p>“I feel horrible about this”
Listen to your gut. It is telling you that you have made a mistake. </p>
<p>She WILL continue to mature even faster if you change your tune and allow her to learn as all adults to- by listening to others , especially their peers, by making mistakes, and by learning to be responsible for her own actions and living with the consequences of those actions. Having mommy close by to micromanage her or rescue her will delay her maturation process .
Back off of your demand, apologize and show her some support. All you are doing is attempting to tie her to your apron strings for a little longer. It wont help her in the long run all.</p>
<p>Unless your daughter is living at home and commuting to a local college, university or CC, you will have very little influence over her managing her work load, prioritizing, scheduling her time, etc. I think you need to decide if you are keeping her at home because of immaturity or whether you are simply having trouble cutting the apron strings and letting her try things on her own. If you let her go to a sleep away school set some ground rules, like a C or better (or whatever is needed to maintain any scholarships.) If you think it’s a maturity issue then she needs to take a gap year, or live at home and commute. If the “pretty good college that is close” would mean her dorming then I agree that it feels like you think to think through your real reasons why you want her “close.” Edited to add, there are many mothers who have trouble letting go of their babies so do not take any of this harshly.</p>
<p>Honestly, I do not have issues letting her go, but I do have issues with her living so far away that she would probably only be able to come home for Christmas. I really think that she would have a much harder time with the separation than I would. We had planned to have her live in residence regardless, but the deadline for dorming at the college close to where we are moving has passed, so she would either have to live at home or with her grandparents (she could apply for a spot in the dorm next year). I do think there are some maturity issues and a gap-year could be good, but she will not go for it. </p>
<p>I did just tell her that I will support whatever decision that she makes, but that she needs to think about it carefully (and quickly).</p>
<p>MixedUpMom, it sounds like she has already made her decision. You just don’t accept it.</p>
<p>There are some parents who KNOW that their kid is not ready to go to college who turn out to be correct. There are others who fear it, and turn out to be wrong. </p>
<p>I would suggest that you go along with her wishes, since you allowed her to apply to the school in the first place, especially since she would have to live with family off campus at the other school. But you can either encourage or require her to sign up for whatever kind of academic support is available at the school…perhaps something that helps kids with organization? You can tell her that she may not need it, but it would make you feel better. Talk with her about how to make connections, encourage her to join something, anything. Be her cheerleader. Try not to give her the clear message that you think she is not up to the challenge.</p>
<p>If she has a hard time making friends, living with family instead of on campus will only make it that much harder to make social connections. She will likely attend classes at the school and spend the rest of her time at home. Sounds like a recipe for loneliness.</p>
<p>You can stay nicely connected with her through Skype and cell phone as frequently as you like. Meanwhile, start putting aside money (or have her work this summer) so that she can come home for Thanksgiving. This can work out, truly.</p>
<p>Your money, your decision. I don’t think your concerns are unfounded, even if money wasn’t involved.</p>
<p>So many people post on here about their children having big problems being successful at college for many reasons. You would know better how she will do than any comment here.</p>
<p>You contradict yourself in your post. Here’s one example -
</p>
<p>And…
</p>
<p>
I don’t see how you’re going to do much in this area once she’s in college. It’ll be up to her to succeed or not. You’re not planning to nag her every day about what HW she has, what projects she has, when she’ll do them, etc. are you? If she lives on campus you simply won’t be able to do this even if you wanted to and if she lives at home and you try treating her as if she’s still in middle school it’s a recipe for disaster for all of you.</p>
<p>Your post was all about what you want and think and not about your D. </p>
<p>But you appear to have already made your decision and laid down the law -
</p>
<p>Given that, why are you posting here?</p>
<p>For the record, unless your D has major issues that you didn’t indicate in your post or finances enter the equation, you should let her make the final decision. She might sink or she might swim but she needs to be given the opportunity to test the water.</p>
<p>Ok, thanks everyone. As I said in my 2nd post, I have already told her to do what she wants. As you said, GladGradDad, she can “sink or swim” - but she needs to be aware that I will not be flying her home for weekends. I have other stressful things going on in my life right now, and I am not even sure that I can cope with teary phone calls. She will have to live with her decision. BTW, I have not been very involved in the day-to-day details of her academics since elementary school, and she has managed just fine; my fear is that the stress of being so far away/home sick/lonely will collide with her poor habits and overwhelm her. I will encourage her to seek out on-campus support systems and hope for the best.</p>
<p>How is it that she hasn’t already needed to make this decision? Did she get accepted off of a waitlist? </p>
<p>Unless you plan to hover over her…you will not really be able to monitor what she is doing in college no matter how far or close her school is. It sounds like you want her to live with a relative or at home. Maybe she doesn’t want to do that.</p>
That was a good point to cover up front. She needs to understand her decision has practical implications and it’s best if she understands what they all are. This goes for whichever way she chooses.</p>
<p>If they’re living on campus it really doesn’t matter that much if they’re a half hour drive away or a day’s flight away - in both cases they need to be responsible for their own time management, course selections, roomie handling, eating, etc. and in both cases the parents need to respect their space and give them their own room to grow. The closer one has a few obvious advantages in being able to come home more quickly, frequently, and less expensively but the further one may have other advantages. If they’re commuting from home there are other benefits and implications.</p>
<p>If she has a hard time making friends, and is socially awkward, doesn’t it make sense for her to go to a college in an area she already knows? Wouldn’t that give her a boost of confidence, and a greater degree of comfort? </p>
<p>Few things make kids mature as quickly as going away to school. I think making her be near you could slow down her maturation process – and instead really create tensions as she’s forced to live with you/grandparents AND attend a college she doesn’t want to be in. This is a recipe for misery – for all of you, IMO.</p>
<p>-- UPDATE, MixedUpMom, I see the situation is somewhat resolved. Good luck!</p>
<p>Two suggestions: First, help her pick out her freshman schedule so it’s not too hard. Second, why don’t you find out if the college has any classes (whether for credit or not) on study skills, etc? At my alma mater, those classes were noncredit and run through a support center but I think they now have a 1-credit freshman intro class which covers a lot of the same material.</p>
<p>" There are some parents who KNOW that their kid is not ready to go to college who turn out to be correct. There are others who fear it, and turn out to be wrong. " </p>
<p>This is how I envisioned my step daughter’s college experience at her 6 hour away from home college. She was completely dependant on her mother to do just about everything ( which her mother perpetuated ) </p>
<p>She struggled academically , but made it thru her first year and as a result , really matured
Surprised us and pleased us as well. I say let her go</p>
<p>Another way to help her succeed socially is to make sure she does any pre-frosh activities. My son’s colleges both had outdoor adventure things where they were able to get to know a couple of dozen kids before they started college. For one son, several of those kids turned out be his best friends and roommates later. For the other son, while those friends did not turn into close friends, he at least felt that he knew some people and became more familiar with the campus and that gave him some confidence.</p>
<p>“Another way to help her succeed socially is to make sure she does any pre-frosh activities” - Great suggestion! </p>
<p>The last thing the parent of a rising freshman wants to consider is extra expenses. But if the student is game and schedules and budgets permit, it could be a good way to ease into college.</p>
<p>It is a powerful incentive to a student to work things out when things go wrong (and believe me, things will go wrong), when the student is at a college s/he chose. It’s also soooo easy to blame mom/dad/the college/wrong choice when things go wrong when railroaded into a school by parents or others. </p>
<p>These young adult years are difficult ones and college is a tough transition. You want as many things to be on your side for things to work out, and your student’s attitude towards the whole experience is very important.</p>