Me and my boyfriend will have been dating for 4 years come next February. We were long distance for the first three years and then we ended up choosing the same college (we both accepted the college separately without telling each other so there was no influence on each other.) I am a freshmen this year and live in a dorm and he is a transfer student so he live in his apartment with our 3 guy other friends (but I’m always over at his place because that’s where my friends are). I am starting to look at apartments and because one of our friends is graduating there is an extra spot for me at the apartment. My mom thinks it’s crazy because she’s scared what would happen if we broke up.
My questions are:
1.) Is it a bad idea to move in with my boyfriend and our 2 other friends? I don’t see me and him breaking up any because we have been through hell and back and still come back stronger.
2.) My three best friends are guys just because that’s how life worked out. Is it bad to live in an apartment with all guys?
I got an apartment with my very serious boyfriend and a mutual male friend one year - my boyfriend and I broke up and he moved out for half the lease (still paid his share, luckily). Friendship with the other guy soured, too, because he was a total slob, which I had no idea of before. I was constantly cleaning and doing dishes, because he had no interest, he peed in the shower, he used the kitchen sponge to wipe messes on the floor, he did laundry once a month and left his dirty clothing piled up in the middle of his horrible smelling room and he smoked pot daily. My BF had enough of the bickering between me and the other friend. He saw a side of me he’d also never seen - frankly a side I had never seen since I’d never had to live with someone with such low standards of living conditions.
This was at least 6 years out of college, too. I can’t imagine having to deal with all that drama AND get good grades. Do yourself, and your relationship with all the men in your life, a huge favor and live with others.
Best of luck to you!
PS. No one will likely love you quite as selflessly as your mom. Listen to her. She may well be wrong at times, but I bet she always has what she truly believes is best for you at the heart of her advice.
In regards to your boyfriend: move in with him ONLY if you think you can make rent if he moves out. People break up; you need to take that into the equation.
In regards to the others: Nothing ends friendships faster than rooming together! I would recommend you make your roommates your friends, not vice versa. Unless you’re willing to… lose these friendships…
As a parent: I would counsel you not to move into an apartment with your boyfriend sophomore year.
Stay in the dorms. Make friends. Have some life independent of him. If you are meant to be, then you will have ample time to get together.
I’m also in the camp of staying on campus in the dorm. Definitely don’t move in with the bf. Hard enough living together for the first time when it’s only the two of you, but having other roommate dynamics will make it much more complicated.
Dont forget when you are in an apt. you have to do your own meal planning, grocery shopping (do you or they have a car?), cooking, cleaning up, cleaning the apartment, etc.
You have to deal with more roommates…the guy lifestyle may not be compatible with yours.
Usually people don’t do this until Junior year.
Also will your parent be on board with this? (e.g. pay for the apt)
If he is the one for you, then waiting a year won’t make a difference. You will have the chance to do more stuff with other friends.
If he ends up not being the one for you, then you have limited yourself. Your whole social life will revolve around him.
“My three best friends are guys just because that’s how life worked out. Is it bad to live in an apartment with all guys?”
My opinion:
You are wrong. Girls don’t have guy “friends”… ever. Maybe in elementary school. If you think you have guy friends, you are fooling yourself.
This is terrible advice, do not listen to this. Beyond the sexism of this and also the assumption of sexualities and attraction, even if somehow all guys and girls were attracted to each other and could not stop themselves (not the case), that does not negate the friendship between the people.
All the other posts are pretty solid advice. 4 years is solid, but big steps are just that no matter when you take them. Ease into it slowly, and ideally without the wildcard of two other roommates. Good friends and good roommates are two orthogonal traits and you really can’t know the latter unless you live with someone, and then you’re endangering the friendship. With so much risk here, I would absolutely hold off for now.
I agree with the others. People do break up all the time. My fiance dumped me, seemingly out of the blue. We had been through a lot and I would have sworn we would last. My 23-year-old son just went through something similar. Thank goodness he wasn’t living with the girl!! Yikes.
If you’re the only girl there is a high risk that you will end up doing all the cleaning. (Maybe not, it depends on the individuals, but statistically it’s a strong likelihood.)
Sage advice actually. Guys only hang out with girls they interested in and think they have a chance with. Any dad will tell you the same.
“Beyond the sexism of this” … good grief.
translate to “overwhelming common sense of this”
“and could not stop themselves (not the case), that does not negate the friendship between the people”…
Hey then they aren’t friends. If one of the 2 is attracted to the other and doesn’t say anything they are being dishonest about the intentions of the relationship.
Does your college allow mixed gender roommates in any of the dorms? You could get a double and live with your boyfriend without other roommates or with other suite mates with whom you don’t have a financial obligation. If it doesn’t work out and you break up, swapping up roommates will be likely easier.
Listen to your mom. You only have this one opportunity in your life to be young, live in the dorms, make your own friends and do what 18-22 year olds girls do.
Why would you want to trip over guy’s laundry before you have to? When you get married one day you will be married forever (hopefully). Why rush it and miss out on the steps and an experiences before that?
I dated a man all through college who I ended up marrying later. I’d still say don’t move in with him.
It doesn’t have anything to do with what might happen if you break up. That’s awkward, but it happens all the time. People date, they live together, they break up…they figure it out. Otherwise our advice would always be don’t live with your partner, no matter how long you’ve been together, because you might break up.
It’s more because when you live with a long-term partner, especially in college when you’re young, you have a tendency of folding your lives together in ways that you don’t when you live apart. And while that’s usually a good thing for a relationship, in college, it could mean missing out on a lot of experiences you’d otherwise get if you weren’t living together. A lot of times you’ll choose to stay in together rather go do spontaneous college things with your friends.
Lots of college students move out of the dorms and into apartments. Moving into an apartment and doing the meal planning and stuff, that’s not so much an issue. You’ll have to learn that eventually and there’s no time like the present. It’s more keeping your relationship in perspective, and giving yourself the space to grow and develop less encumbered. There will be plenty of time for living together once you are finished college!