getting "grounded" while in college

Parents Forum
1

<p>I live at home and commute to a CC, to my disgust and frustration because I do not get along with either of my parents at all... because of some falling-outs related to things that have happened in the past we don't even really talk except for when we're yelling at each other. We all eat dinner in different rooms. A couple of days ago, I was studying for a human bio midterm, and I had out on my desk the two tests we have taken already - I failed both. Mom comes in to tell me something, sees the tests. Goes crazy and tells me I am going to fail out of my CC too (I dropped out of my 4-year because I couldn't handle the workload and lost my scholarship) and "then where will I go." We had our usual verbal exchange and long story short I am now grounded - no friends over, 10:00 curfew, no TV and she even threatened to take away my cell phone. </p>

<p>So I'm not really trying to ask what I can do about it, because my mom is the least flexible, least understanding and most controlling woman I have ever met. I am just curious, really, is what she did reasonable? Would you ever consider grounding your 21 year old child? I understand "my house my rules," but this is ridiculous.</p>

2

<p>If you don’t like the rules, move out on your own. Your mother is probably just fed up.
This doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. Face it–would you want your 21 year old son or daughter still living under your roof, not being self supporting, and failing at the community college level? Sometimes, you need to put yourself in your parent’s shoes and look at the situation through their eyes.</p>

<p>PS–A 21 year old should refer to himself/herself as a 21 year old adult, not a 21 year old child. :)</p>

3

<p>You’re right with my house, my rules. If you want freedom get out of the house and get your own place. That’s probably what you should be doing at 21 anyway. Get a job and out on your own.
Xposted with NYsmile</p>

4

<p>Sorry, L, but you are asking to be treated as an adult while living like an adolescent. If you already bailed on a 4 year school over not hitting your requirements, and are flunking tests at a CC, I have to ask …WHY are you flunking? Your mom sounds like she’s frustrated and wants you to live up to something more in line with your potential. And since you had a scholarship you lost, I’m assuming the potential is (was) there. Time to grow up one way or the other. Either move out and live on your own dime…or give up whatever behaviors, habits etc are causing you to flunk CC, and buckle down and actually make something of your future. I won’t mind supporting my kid at 21 if he’s graduated UG and moved right into grad school successfully. But if his story was the one you posted here…well, he wouldn’t be under my roof or on my dime.</p>

5

<p>I’m not defending your mom but, if you couldn’t handle the workload in the 4 year and you’re failing your courses at your CC, then don’t you think it’s a good idea for you to focus more on your studies and not have your friends over, not go out, not waste time watching TV, and not spend too much time on your cell phone? I don’t like the idea of you being ‘grounded’ but if you’re having this many issues with your schoolwork then you should be minimizing your outside activity on your own so you can focus more on your studies, get extra help on it, and otherwise figuring out what the problems are.</p>

<p>Edit - it looks like I cross-posted with the above but we’re both on the same page.</p>

6

<p>As an adult, what you need to do is analyze why you are getting the results you are getting. If you received a scholarship to a 4 year school you obviously previously experienced academic success. I am sure you aren’t happy about your human bio grade either.</p>

<p>So, what has changed?</p>

<p>What are you doing/did you do differently?</p>

<p>Was your high school academic preparation substandard? Then buckle down and remediate your insufficiencies…you know what they are if you are honest with yourself. Are you going to class, keeping up with the workload, utilizing all of the academic resources available to you (office hours, tutors, study groups, etc.)? </p>

<p>Are you maybe getting in your own way, angry because you are at home after losing the scholarship, and dealing with it this way ?</p>

<p>Are you doing well in other classes, and bombing only the one science class? If science is not your thing, pursue another academic path.</p>

<p>As an adult, you need to start figuring things out for yourself. Making a plan for yourself. I don’t mean that you have to do this entirely on your own…go to your academic advisors, talk to professors, talk to the career center. Figure out what you need to do to be successful, as you define it.</p>

<p>And start talking to your parents. I am sure that, inside, your mom is more frightened and worried for you and your future and that is manifesting itself in the form of anger.
The scariest thing is to feel like your adult child is lost and adrift without any plan.</p>

<p>So start figuring yourself out, and talk to your parents along the way. Write them letters (even write yourself!) or emails if face-to-face conversation is too difficult right now. Be honest with yourself, and honest with them.</p>

7

<p>I DO have a job, but it will be at least a couple more months before I am financially stable enough on my own to live on my own and pay my tuition (parents are against the idea of me living on my own but still accepting money from them, if I move out they will not help me anymore. I don’t blame them for that, however, they do not make a lot of money). ALso, I am doing just fine in my other classes. Science is not my subject and never has been. Will post a more substantial reply later.</p>

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<p>Science was not my strong point either, I avoided to take those classes when I was in UG, instead, I took math which I liked. I got by with my science classes with math and graduated with flying color.</p>

9

<p>You have the power to get your Mom off your back. How? Get a good grade on your next midterm. Stop arguing with her. Enjoy a pleasant meal at the dinnertable with her. And thank her for being concerned about you.</p>

10

<p>Parents pay for college with money that they have set aside for years after paying taxes, feeding and clothing their family and putting a warm house over your head. They have probably struggled to pull together what they have given you. They have gone without the things they might have enjoyed in order to give you the gift of an education. You are wasting their money by not passing your classes and getting college credit. Wasteing their hard earned money is like the ultimate "screw you.’</p>

<p>If you were my kid I would gladly reimburse you any tuition money and book money that you spend on your college classes AFTER you pass them. So YOUR money upfront. YOUR sacrifice, YOUR savings from YOUR job where YOU got up and worked 8 hrs a day. No loans either. make the money take the class, pass the class and I will pay you.</p>

<p>You need to thank your parents for the gifts they have given you, man up, and be responsible for your life.</p>

11

<p>I agree with UCLA Band mom. Enjoy a nice meal together. Maybe even do the cooking? Be sure to thank your parents. Sounds like your parents just want you to achieve success.</p>

<p>It’s very hard when the parents don’t have control, the way they used to when you were younger. I know you think it’s ridulous that they grounded you, but what should they do?</p>

12

<p>Some thoughts. </p>

<p>If my child behaved as a child treating him like a child would be reasonable. If you can’t choose to spend your time on school work instead of TV, friends and cell phone conversations your parents are trying to help you with priorities. You have a past record of underperforming you need to overcome. Your mother can’t control you. You control you. You can’t control her, either. You have been choosing academic failure as she sees it- it hurts her to see you do that. Both of you react to each other based on your past history. A human biology class is not beyond any college student’s theoretical grasp, it probably takes more time than you have been willing to put into it to learn terms. Stopping the time wasting with friends, TV and cell phone use may get you back on track. That should have been your idea, but do it even if someone else has the idea first. Don’t sabotage yourself rebelling against authority anymore. Live with the house rules until you can live on your own. Act like an adult to be treated like one.</p>

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<p>^^Says it all</p>

14

<p>@lissezmoi,</p>

<p>I find it disturbing that you live with your parents “to [your] disgust”. Those are awfully harsh words for the people who are supporting you. </p>

<p>You mention that you “all eat dinner in different rooms”. Do your parents buy the groceries and cook the meals too?</p>

<p>If you are failing your class, then you should do the responsible thing and not be partying past 10:00, watching TV & texting on your cellphone, until you get your academic performance up. If you were an elite athlete that failed abysmally at some competition, I’m sure your coach would reasonably expect some remedial training from you until you got your performance back up.</p>

<p>“Would you ever consider grounding your 21 year old child?” You–yes, because your complaining original post makes you come off as a spoiled child with an incredible sense of entitlement.</p>

15

<p>I am also in a similar situation. I am living at home for the summers. Last summer I was grounded because I didn’t do what I was told. I am a 22 year old Senior at Ball State. I will be graduating in 2014. I am a construction management major and I am going to be working with and electrical contractor for another summer as an internship requirement. My mother sees that I should have a curfew. 11pm on the weekdays and 1am on the weekends. I don’t smoke anything and I have never been in trouble. I feel that she is being unreasonable and controlling. I am looking at living with my friend and paying for everything this summer but I unsure how to go about asking her if I can. Any thoughts?</p>

16

<p>BallStateSenior, you really ought to start your own thread discussion, as your situation is not truly like the OP’s and her thread is two years old at this point. </p>

<p>Meanwhile, I am not sure why you feel you have to ASK your mom if you can live on your own this summer when you are 22 years old, will be working and paying your summer living expenses. Just tell her that is what you are doing this summer. My kids worked every summer during college (younger than you) and lived away from home and paid their own expenses in doing so. They didn’t ask my permission. They just told me their plans (we paid for their expenses during the school year).</p>

17

<p>I would never attempt to ground my adult child for his grades. He knows that if he slacks off, I’m not paying for tuition. We talked about it. If he is not in school, he needs to pay rent and contribute to the household financially like the rest of the adults in the home. Sounds like there are other issues going on and you are not happy being home. If you don’t like something, change it. Sounds like your parents would never throw you out, but are at a loss with what else to do. Is it time to fly the coop? As far as BallState ‘asking’ your mom if you can leave…I drove across country with my new husband to live on the west coast for a few years at 22yrs old. I didn’t ask. My mom would have said no. We have NO regrets!</p>