Getting new roommate and reevaluating my emotional balance. Help :(

Parents Forum
1

<p>Hi there, </p>

<p>This may seem very rash, but I'm experiencing a whirlwind of emotions that was ignited from the news of receiving a new roommate, and I need some guidance. I'm feeling very fragile right now, but I just came from home and have class tomorrow and so can't go back until at least tomorrow afternoon. I'm so scared and upset, and to be embarrassingly honest, I really just want my mom. </p>

<p>I've had my dorm to myself since school started because my former roommate had to move out, but I received notice from a potential candidate that housing is going to assign me a new one and that this girl would like to come meet and talk to me to see if we'd be a good match. She seemed very nice on the phone and very thoughtful, but I'm still really nervous and scared to the point of maybe wanting to move back home. I know I'll get a new roommate eventually, whether I meet her or not, but I'm so distraught. </p>

<p>I had a reaaaally bad experience last year. I moved out after a semester because I was miserable with homesickness and because my roommate and I didn't get along. It was way awkward with her to the point of painfully awkward, and finally we both got to the point of not feeling comfortable in the same room. This didn't help my extreme longing for home and my mother. I moved out and I instantly felt incredibly happy and relieved. My grades got better, I lost the weight I had gained, my acne cleared up, my nightmares stopped; it was the best thing in the world. </p>

<p>Well, I really wanted to try staying here again. Everyone told me that I should try at least one more semester before I give up, so here I am. It's just my mom and I since my dad passed a few years ago, so that makes it harder, too. </p>

<p>Basically, I'm only spending about $800 to stay here for the semester. I have class 3 days a week and live at a commutable distance, but I'll have class 5 days a week next semester (plus it's very snowy and bad during the winter where I live). I really miss my mom and almost started crying leaving from home this afternoon. We may not be in the best financial situation, but I need and love her and just don't think I can handle being away. I'd also get some Pell money refunded if I move out, like a significant amount. </p>

<p>Sitting by yourself in a room is one thing, but being with another person you don't know very well is awkward. I feel like I've been living a lie by staying away. I don't think I can do it, and I'm so very emotional about it right now. Everyone else loves their time here but I'm just counting down when I can leave for home. </p>

<p>What should I do?? My grades are top priority and I don't want them to slip because of this. I feel like everything is spiraling down.</p>

<p>Thanks so much for reading.</p>

2

<p>Tomorrow, walk out your door and keep walking until you are at the student health center. Speak to the person at the desk, and ask for an immediate appointment with a counselor. Then sit down and wait until you can meet with that person. Your reaction to meeting a potential roommate is off the charts. Truly. You need to speak with a competent counselor and begin to learn how to handle your reaction to changes.</p>

<p>Maybe your best option would be to live at home for this semester, but move back to campus in January when the roads are bad and you have classes there every day. But don’t make that decision until you’ve begun to get help with your anxiety.</p>

3

<p>You must have a hall resident advisor (or equivalent to an RA). Talk to her/him. That should get things rolling for getting the help you need to make the transition to independence from home. It seems especially important that you learn to live away from the security of home. You may also be needing to talk to someone at the school’s counseling center. If your RA doesn’t seem helpful their is someone in charge of her/him. You need to get past this hurdle, with help.</p>

<p>Just cross posted with another post but will keep this as is.</p>

4

<p>middlebrook, you and your mom are obviously very close. Maybe you two became even closer after the loss of your dad. If you didn’t receive counseling then you might still be traumatized, making it harder to separate from your mom. It also sounds like you’re very anxious. This is all tough stuff but it can be addressed, and your pain lessened. Happymom gave you excellent advice and I hope you follow it. You owe it to yourself to heal and move forward. My best wishes to you.</p>

5

<p>If you talk to someone, you might be able to get a single based on what you have been through emotionally. Try one of the counselors at school or a dean that you might know.</p>

<p>It sounds to me like you live partly at home and partly at school. This must be hard, because you haven’t fully transitioned to school life, but also don’t fully live at home. I guess you could try to spend weekends at school and involve yourself, but you could also view your time at home as being truly “at home,” and the time at school as just very temporary boarding for convenience.</p>

<p>Having a room mate is strange for everyone, and this kind of arrangement with a stranger often happens with apartments too. I think that adapting to another person in the room may be harder for you now because of the ramifications of your father’s death and the special closeness you developed with your mother as a result. </p>

<p>If you are going to move on from that relationship, you may need help. How is your mother doing? Do you feel that she needs you? Is it hard to leave for that reason as well? Is she alone, does she work, does she have friends, etc? You don’t need to answer, but her needs might pull on you as well as your own.</p>

<p>Not everyone does leave home, either. I know many families where 3 generations live together and that is a wonderful thing.</p>

<p>Try and get through these years as best you can, but get some help and support at school so you can feel more comfy while there, regardless of what you consider “home.” And if you think a single might help, ask for one through an adult advisor of some sort.</p>

6

<p>I really don’t think I can handle this right now. I’ve been a wreck the past 2 days and haven’t been able to concentrate in my classes. I need to feel comfortable so I can do well, and I’m just not happy. </p>

<p>I got the new roommate, and she’s moving in tonight. She’s nice enough, but she’s of a different religion than myself, and though I’m not religiously prejudice in any way, it’s just really weird for me because I’m a very devout catholic and she’s of the Muslin religion. She has some different rules about what she does and can do, and she’s also new to the school and I had to basically show her around earlier. Her living habits are completely contrary to mine, and I checked with housing and there are no singles available because they’re overbooked. </p>

<p>I want to move out NOW. I’ll get money back (from Pell), and I’ll be able to focus better. My mom said she’d fully support me in whatever I do, and I can probably get her to come up here tomorrow to help me move. I can take some stuff home tonight and bring reinforcements tomorrow. </p>

<p>Am I being too rash?? I’ve been thinking of moving out ever since I got here, and I feel guilty that I wasted all this time and some money in the process. But I THOUGHT I could handle it. I THOUGHT I was getting better emotionally/anxiety-wise… </p>

<p>What do I tell my roommate?? She’s gonna think it’s all because of her when it’s not… </p>

<p>I’m such a mess. I’m sorry for rambling.</p>

7

<p>middlebrook,</p>

<p>it sounds like you just want to move home. (your mom, btw, sounds great). It’s okay. This was an experiment - character-building as they say. You took a chance and as a result, you learned something about yourself. That’s what happens in life (trust me, I’ve had lots of “experiments” and “character-building events”).</p>

<p>Don’t worry about your roommate’s reaction. You two barely know each other. You will need to tell her, of course, but don’t apologize for your own needs. For all you know, she’ll be okay (maybe even relieved?) to have a “single” all to herself.</p>

<p>That all said, I agree with Happymom. You need to seek counseling so that one day, you can leave home without feeling so anxious. It doesn’t have to be next semester or even next year but you do want forward progress in dealing with this.</p>

8

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</p>

<p>Then you should. I agree with beerme’s suggestions on how to handle your roommate, though you don’t have to mention a specific reason for wanting to leave. Try not to be too hard on yourself for what you might think is some kind of failure. You can always try the dorms again, or even an apartment in the future. Bottom line is you’re in a very emotionally fragile state and if it’s easier to live at home for now, cut yourself some slack and do it.</p>

9

<p>Okay. A friend of mine pounded on my door and dragged me out for a walk around campus to talk about everything (well, not literally, of course :slight_smile: ) </p>

<p>She pointed out how I basically gave up all my opportunities last year when I moved out, and she told me that there’s so much I can do here to stay busy and concentrate. She reassured me that they’re (our group of friends) are all here for me and that we’re a family that will help me fight my emotional issues. I still feel like I’ll never be able to focus on school perfectly, but I heard her out. </p>

<p>She convinced me to at least give it another week, but agreed that it’s okay for me to go home today and talk it out with my mom. (I don’t have class tomorrow). My mom made my favorite dinner and we’re going to have a deep talk about everything. </p>

<p>I still don’t know what I want, but my friends and family are supporting me and want me to think it all through first. </p>

<p>I also want to talk to my priest either tomorrow or this weekend. Maybe he can offer some help and advice about the religious trials. </p>

<p>Whew. And I’m also going to check out counseling. We have 6 free sessions, and I’ll try it out sometime this week (or next.) This kind of sudden anxiety is overwhelming and, from what I’ve gathered, unhealthy. </p>

<p>Am I making strides in the right direction now that I’ve calmed down? Thanks for all the support. It means a lot.</p>

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<p>I think you might enjoy finding out about a different religion and finding out how many commonalities you actually have. My freshman year roommate was also Muslim and we really enjoyed each other and still stay in touch.</p>

11

<p>It sounds like you have the advantage of being close enough to go home for a night a few times a week and stay at school a few times a week so maybe you need to just alternate every few days- ease into it, while you seek counseling. If you keep the room for now, it is nice to have a place to crash in between classes and stuff, but you can still go home when you choose. Ease into it. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing, does it?</p>

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<p>Middlebrook, it sounds as if you need to be in a single to thrive there. My daughter is in a quad (two doubles with a study in between), only one of the doubles is actually occupied by a single student who really needs to be in her own room for emotional reasons. Lots of schools offer medical singles, so before you consider leaving, talk to a counselor, and ask if this is a possibility for you. If you are thriving in your own room, then you should be able to stay on campus if possible.</p>

<p>If you do end up with a roommate, please give her a chance. There are many lifestyle similarities between devout Muslims and devout Christians, even if you don’t agree theologically. She won’t be partying and bringing guys back to your room, and she will respect your desire to attend Mass. When she prays during her daily prayer times, you can do the same, or just get your homework done. </p>

<p>Sometimes the anticipation is worse than the thing itself, so cut yourself and your possible roommate some slack and just see what happens.</p>

13

<p>Why didn’t you room with a friend?</p>

14

<p>Do you really want to spend your life in a bubble? Life has so much to offer if you’d only open your mind and heart to people of all shades, religions, and ideas.</p>

<p>Don’t judge people by your preconceived ideas. You may be missing out on a wonderful relationship with a new friend.</p>

<p>It honestly sounds as though you’re trying very hard to find a excuse to justify moving back home. Why not give dorming a solid try while addressing your anxiety via the counseling center? Keep in mind that your anxiety has nothing to do with your roommate.
It’s something inside you that triggers it so deal with it head on and work through it with a counselor on campus. You don’t want to spend your life focused on avoiding things. Life is full of change, transitions, new people, new situations, etc.</p>

15

<p>Can you stay at school consistently and then instead of you going home, your mom could come visit you, even if it takes a few times a week for her to visit to make you feel more comfortable? That’s what I did with one of my kids, who has a serious medical condition. Instead of bringing her home to take care of her, I went in to the city where she is, an hour away from home, as much as possible, to keep her development going in a positive direction.</p>

<p>Sounds like you have some amazing friends who care, are sensitive and see you as part of a “family.” I was in the camp of thinking you should go home, but now I think you should give it a few weeks.</p>

<p>And having a room mate with a different religion will broaden both of you!</p>

16

<p>Your ‘family’ of friends sound wonderful! Obviously they care about you very much. With that level of support, along with professional counseling via student health services, maybe you can comfortably and productively live on campus. One suggestion- hard as it may be, try not to project so much. An anxious mind sees all kinds of perils down the road, but many of them never happen. Try to take each day as it comes, dealing with what’s in front of you instead of what you’re afraid may materialize. You may be able to help your new roommate (and vice versa) in ways you never expected. </p>

<p>P.S. I was paired with an international student at one point during my undergraduate years, and she turned out to be one of my favorite roommates. Because she couldn’t go home for the holidays I invited her to my house, and she became sort of an adopted member of my family. This was a great experience for all of us.</p>

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<p>Thanks so much for all the support! It’s really helping me feel better about everything. I also feel a good sense of clarity since I’m home and in my “real” room and bed. </p>

<p>My mom is quite upset that I’m upset and just wants me to be happy. If that means moving all my things back home, she’ll do it; if that means dealing with me coming home every other day, she’ll welcome me home with a powdered bed and warm, homecooked meal. I just need to dig deep and decide what I want to do. I’m so blessed to have such an understanding and caring mother. </p>

<p>For now, I’m thinking that I’ll indeed need to ease into this. I’ll go back on Tuesday afternoon and see how the night goes. I have dinner plans with a friend already and an invitation to work out in the gym later at night to burn off some steam. Everyone seems to be tripping over themselves to help keep me busy, haha. </p>

<p>What kills me, though, is leaving home. I seem to always cry (or want to) when I’m walking out of my house to my car. I’m getting sad already just thinking about tomorrow night, but I’m really going to try and be an adult about it. I also need to get over this so I can do my homework, which is the most important thing. </p>

<p>And PS- I couldn’t room with a friend because after I moved out last year I was classified as a commuter, and commuters can’t choose their own rooms or roommates. My friend and I (the one who pounded on my door) had it all planned out until we reached that snag. But we miraculously ended up on the same floor, so I see her every day and usually eat lunch with her every day. Plus I like her roommate and eat dinner with her. :)</p>

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<p>Why don’t you invite your roommate to join you and your friend?</p>

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<p>I would say skip the RA, and go to the counseling center and talk to someone there. RAs are not going to be trained for this.</p>

20

<p>The thing is, it can be hard to truly adjust when you are going back and forth, and the community will not see you as one of them in some ways. I think you should commit to staying and decrease visits home.</p>

<p>My mother is in assisted living right now. At first, we visited her every day, but we have slowly withdrawn and now that we do not visit her as much (I go 2-3 times/week) she has made friends, and participates in activities. If my siblings and I had continued to “support” her by constant visits and trips home, she never would have made this adjustment.</p>

<p>I think you and your mother need some counseling. It’s great that your mother welcomes you with a warm bed and meal, but she may also be enabling you. I think your mom may need help in letting you go, and helping you let go.</p>

<p>I am usually in the camp of letting a kid come home and not forcing growth, letting it happen with maximum support. But there is something wrong with this picture.</p>

<p>You have friends and support at school. Get more, whatever you need. Go on medication temporarily. You just need to get over the hump of homesickness. I remember doing this at camp. You will continue to struggle with homesickness because each time you go home, you are leaving it all over again. Human psychology tends toward adjustment, and if you stay at school more, it will become “home.” That is not possible as long as you are going back and forth so much.</p>

<p>Please understand that your mother may not be really helping you, much as she loves you and thinks she is helping you. That may be hard to hear. I cannot judge from online posts. She may need some advice from someone who understands this transition.</p>