Thanks. Pride is something I take seriously in my family. One set of my grandparents came over from Mexico and the other set were farmers. My wife never met one set of her grandparents and the other set weren’t that well off at all. We were both 1st Gen students to college. It is probably why we got married because we understood each other. Our joke is we went to college and found the poorest kid to marry.
We raise our kids with that same mentality about being 1st Gen. They aren’t but they have been raised about 80-90% that way. I really like that my girls don’t take things for granted and don’t expect things to be handed to them.
I too love these stories (and truly applaud them!) but you can see them go back many generations in many families. My family has definitely benefited from the generations before us. I think knowing the sacrifices the family before you had to make to make your life better today is beneficial and makes you a better person. History matters.
My parents instituted a system for their grandchildren where when they graduated from high school a letter was sent explaining that education was expensive, but summer jobs paid pretty poorly. Their help was to match any summer -earned money, but the kids had to turn in a form to “the bank” detailing what they had learned (and there was even a due date, and an expiration date). This was good as long as they were in some sort of education (trade, college, professional ed, etc) but if any of them had just needed rent, that probably would have been worked out (it did not come up). They did this for 6 grandchildren and two of my cousins’ children. Their theory was they had luck and money in excess of what was needed.
My inlaws said it would “be good for us” to have debt and my husband had quite a bit. They went on cruises, bought a new boat or two, and told us they just knew we would figure it out. We didn’t eat lunch at work the whole first year we were married, while they travelled and bought things and gave us (seriously) laundry detergent for Christmas. The one car we had regularly stranded me and I sat in a parking lot with a blanket most nights after I worked, waiting to pick DH up from his work. We needed $400 to make it run so we didn’t lose our jobs and they wouldn’t help us. (I sold some of our stuff) We didn’t turn on the heat, or go anywhere to save gas. My husband has struggled to forgive them.
We got our kids thru college with their hard work, jobs, and some luck with no debt. We helped our DiL thru grad school as well. My kids are close to 30 and know that if they need financial help, we will always do what we can, but we wait for them to ask. And if I send them grocery gift cards, and gas gift cards, it’s only because we are a team and we are in this together.
I so struggle understanding the mindset of your in-laws. I absolutely understand that not all parents can fund college (or cannot fund 100 percent of it). I also understand the concept wanting kids to have a bit of, “skin the game,” via some debt (even if the parents could fully fund it). But, to have it and just say, “figure it out,” is hard for me to fathom.
However, we had some friends who were the same way. They had had to pay for their own schooling so, by golly, their kids could do the same! Never mind the fact that times were very different in terms of just how much it cost - even to go to the state flagship. These people lived in a 4,000 sq ft house with a dedicated wine room containing their wine collection that had to be appraised each year for insurance purposes!! Are you kidding me?!
And, get this - when their eldest son did his summer study abroad, they had him send out emails to their friends (we received one) asking for financial help to pay for it! These were church friends, and when I first received the email I thought it was asking for funding for a mission trip. Nope!! Summer study abroad costs.
I understand how that would be incredibly hard on your husband.
What gets me & my DH going about my SIL’s current dilemma is that so much of it could have been avoided. DH feels frustrated & angry about it because while they both grew up in the same family, it’s like SIL learned to just perpetuate all of the poor money choices that their parents made. She’s always gone after the shiny new toy, the whole “But I WANT it right NOW.”
As a result, she’s been a person who, for a long time now, says a lot of “It’s not fair.” “It’s not FAIR that…”
people who work harder than her and go the extra mile at work get offered promotions while she doesn’t.
the bank doesn’t TELL her that there are other places to get better mortgage terms, a better mortgage rate, etc.
nobody TOLD her that when she decided to do a concentration in zoology for her biology major and she decided to work in animal research labs, that jobs would be hard to find and not pay much with just a bachelor’s degree.
she doesn’t get paid overtime since she’s a salaried employee.
she has to pay extra now for parking at work compared to last year.
nobody TOLD her that she shouldn’t pay the down payment for her car lease with a credit card.
you have to go advocate for your child when they’re getting the run around with their teacher(s) at school.
she isn’t automatically given huge pay raises each year at work just for putting in the minimal amount possible.
she should pay attention to putting more money away for retirement.
she should pay attention to what TYPES of funds her retirement money is currently in (1 is in a money market account, for pete’s sake).
I could go on and on. You get the idea.
Throughout it all, SIL goes through life with this victim mentality. ALL of these things just “happen” to her. It’s always somebody else’s fault. She does not see that where she is financially today is a result of 20 years of bad decisions.
DH & I aren’t sitting on a mountain of money, but by the time we retire, we’ll do ok for ourselves and will be able to enjoy retirement without having to stress about it or continue working forever. But you know what? That has meant years of going without. My SIL & BIL? They have a ‘landscaper’ who’s paid $75/mo to…do nothing…there literally is no grass to mow, no weeds to whack. I don’t know what the person does for $75/mo. There’s a couple of small trees in their backyard, that’s it. They pay a lady ~$75-100/mo to clean their house once a week.
~5 yr ago, BIL asked me, “Who’s your landscaper? Because you need to have them clean up a little bit.” He was shocked when I said, “You’re looking at our landscaper.” Then he asked how much we spend each month on maid service. I said, “We don’t. We clean the house ourselves.” Our house at the time was twice as large square footage as theirs. Again, he was shocked, asked why don’t we have a maid. Told him that it’s all a matter of choices. In our neck of the woods at the time, maid service was $100-$125 a visit. And if I had an extra $500 of disposable income a month, it’d be going to a combo of college fund & vacation fund, NOT for a maid service.
If one’s adult children are perpetually living beyond their means, then it doesn’t matter HOW much money one gives them, it’ll never be enough.
I hope these stories are cathartic for those telling them. It really resonates with me. It’s good to hear that things aren’t perfect.
Some people are just very selfish and self centered. It’s sad for the children of those people.
I have a very self centered sil. Her parents are the same way. Always looking for the next handout. Nothing is ever enough for her and it’s not a fun way to live your life.
LOL. We got copies of course materials just in case we’d missed anything. We did make copies and pass them out to others for their families. Spread the wealth so to speak.
“Total Money Makeover” by Dave Ramsey is a great start. My husband gifted the book to every younger member in his firm.
It’s a mind set. It’s a priority set in the family. My mom’s school went to eighth grade only but my grandfather moved towns and changed jobs just to get her to a place that went to 12th grade. It was the depression and not easy but that was a family value.
My grandfather on dad’s side came as an immigrant. Eventually made a name for himself. A good story. But the one I remember is the the one where my grandfather told my dad he had enough money (with money added in from an uncle) to send him to college. Did he want to go?
It’s like seeing your life flash before your eyes. I’ve no idea where I would be (or my kids) without help from family before me.
I think most parents want to help their kids if they can. I paid for D2’s moves a few times before she was earning some real money. I subsidized her for few years when we went on family vacations. I did it with extra money I had. It didn’t cut into my own personal spend.
What I don’t agree with is when parents forego a lot of their own spend in order to subsidize their kids, e.g. not to get a new kitchen so they could buy a new car for their kid, not to travel so they could pay for their kid’s “special program.”
D2 got a very prestigious legal clerkship. She would have to forego her big law salary while doing the clerkship. She was thinking about doing it for 2 years instead of 1. I told her to think hard about if she could afford it because I wasn’t going to help out with her rent and other expenses. She is going to do 1 year and go back to her law firm job.
Interesting that no one has talked about the primary way that I think my parents “gave” to me and my children. At different times when my oldest kids were little, both of my parents helped with day care and afterschool care 1-2 days each week. Neither were able to babysit as much with the younger one because they were too tired by the time she came along, but I was also less broke by then so the help was less needed! And over the years, one of my parents has volunteered to bring my kids to music lessons and sports practices on a regular schedule because my job hours prevented it. While that probably doesn’t add up to a down payment on a house or apartment, it was enormously helpful in managing the logistics of family life. Plus that free care really did save me quite a bit of money even if it was never more than 2 days (and sometimes one). Finally, seeing their grandparents at least once per week and having them active in their lives has been a huge gift to my children and thus to me.
My primary gift to children will hopefully be helping them find affordable colleges and scholarships so that they won’t graduate in debt, but that remains to be seen. I only have one in college so far (freshman). I am crossing my fingers that it will work out for the others as well. It is not the end of the world if they have to borrow some but as someone who didn’t finish paying off loans until fairly recently, I know what a gift of freedom that will be to their young adulthood.
ETA: And if my kids end up settling down near me and raising families, I would love to help them with regular child care. Probably not daily but a couple of times per week would be grand. Then my kids get to roll their eyes at how much I spoil their kids. I am looking forward to it!
I’ve said this on CC more than once, but we gave our kids undergrad college, “all expenses paid” and an inexpensive car to get started. We always said grad school was on them. I also said weddings are not something I want to spend a lot of money on. Kids will get a reasonable amount and can use it for wedding, honeymoon, or whatever.
Other major gift is the hope that we have enough not to burden them as we age.
We have paid for family vacations, and hope to pay for more. We’ve also let kids help pay.
There was some help funding ROTH IRAS with equivalent of summer earnings a couple of years.
Once we figure out our retirement needs, and see how the market does over the next several years, we may or may not decide we have enough to do more for the kids.
I believe it’s important for them to learn live within their means, and not depend on money from parents. We don’t come from wealthy backgrounds.
Grandparents helping with childcare is a huge benefit/gift! But, not everyone lives close to their parents once they are adults, so it isn’t always possible. I feel like a lot of people here on CC have adult kids who do not live close by.
We lived three hours from dh’s parents during ds’s childhood. My parents died when dh and I were engaged. So, we never had that luxury.
A classmate of my kids’ grandfather paid for all their schooling, from pre-school to college. He was very wealthy and was on the cover of Parade one year saying his salary was $7M/yr. He was wealthy but the families of the grandchildren were not and lived on their salaries except for tuition (all the kids went to catholic school, 3 of them were in the same grade as my kids).
The grandparents also occasionally paid for sports (the kids were all hockey/ice skaters, so not cheap).
I think it is the greatest gift to give education. The grandparents also donated quite a bit of money to the school, paying for the computer lab, funding a scholarship, and funding different things when needed.
We would have paid for my daughter’s wedding but they went down to the courthouse on a Friday afternoon so no need. We gave them a big part of the down payment on their house, which had nothing to do with them not having a wedding. We would have done both. I like them. They work hard and are good people.